Course correcting

I am coming through a period of hard nights. After coming off of all psych meds I still had one medication that I have been taking on an “as needed” basis to help with sleep and I have taken it for that purpose for a long time now. I really didn’t realize just how much it was doing, but terrible dry mouth and lack of clarity in the morning after taking it were not something I wanted to continue on with after clearing so much else out of my system. Two weeks or more ago I stopped taking it. It has not been easy since then. I had not realized that it was masking something else that all of a sudden was making it impossible to get to sleep very easily at all.

I purchased one natural sleep aid on amazon that had over 4400 positive reviews. People said it was nothing short of remarkable. I took it — you were supposed to take 2 — and it did nothing. One night, in desperation, I took 3. Still nothing, at least it still took me a long, uncomfortable time to go to sleep. But there was something else going on that I did not figure out until the middle of the night last night on yet one more night of fighting to find my way to sleep. As had been happening I will start to fall asleep watching a movie as I did last night, I mean my eyes were closing and I felt like I was very nearly really asleep but I turn off the movie, turn out the light, and all of a sudden I am wide awake, my body as rigid as a board, and uncomfortable sensations begin to take over. I had not realized, until last night, what was happening. My legs were all over the place, I had to keep moving them, and the more I did the more I had to until I was near tears, and then the words Restless Leg Syndrome popped into my mind. Of course I had heard about it for years but never thought it applied to me. I’m not sure when it really began.

I grabbed my phone and looked “Restless Leg Syndrome” up online and read site after site that was describing exactly what I was going through. Then I researched natural remedies and a number of sites recommended a homeopathic remedy called Hyland’s Restful Legs Tablets which has not only been around for a very long time but there were over 600 reviews on amazon and it wasn’t expensive. I ordered it at 2 a.m. After that I felt relieved that I at least had a better idea what was going on with me, had done what I could about it, and somewhere along the line I went to sleep. I will let you know how the remedy works after I try it.

The point of all of this — and I wrote about it in case others are also struggling in the hope that perhaps they will better understand and find something that will help — is that I have just not been sleeping well and it has taken a toll. When you are not sleeping everything else is harder. I have written about struggling emotionally these last weeks and I hadn’t really thought about the sleep issue making it all worse, but the fact is it has, and this weekend it came to a head when a bill, unexpectedly much higher than it should have been, came through. On a fixed income you watch things very closely and when you have a pileup of unexpected and suddenly necessary things happen in one month it can be terrifying. And it panicked me. And lack of sleep made it worse. Since losing my financial security after the fire I have been very afraid about money. I know it is indelicate to talk about such things but I have a point to make and I think it’s a good one. We can get so caught up in the fear that we make things exponentially worse. I was caught up in fear. Fear gets you nowhere. I was feeling desperate. Allow desperation at your peril. These things do not help, in fact they make things worse many times over.

What the fear led me to, last evening, was to begin listening to an audiobook that I had purchased some time ago, so long ago I don’t even remember when. It was by Dr. Joe Vitale of “The Secret” fame. The book is called “The Secret To Attracting Money.” Now, mind, the movie “The Secret” gets on my last nerve. I tried “The Law Of Attraction” and I know a lot of people are all about it but there is something about it that is like nails across a chalk board to me. I’m sorry to those who believe in it, and I think there really is something there, just not like the media and all the people making money from the concept would like you to buy into. (While you buy their books, products, and attend their seminars.) But yesterday I was scared, last night even moreso, so I started listening to the book while doing the dishes.

I cringed at nearly every word. It was just so awful. I couldn’t believe I was listening to it and after the first section I stopped. I thought I would continue today but I just couldn’t stomach any more last night. I watched a movie instead.

Today as I was having coffee and scanning Facebook I stopped short when I came across a post that Anne Lamott had written on Facebook where she writes long essays on her page there, shared by my dear friend Lila. I have all of Lamott’s non-fiction books, have read and reread them, and the last few I bought only as audio books because I absolutely love hearing Annie read her own books. She has a mesmerizing way of reading them, a way that gets right to the heart of things. Her writing is soul writing, she is a Christian who complains about much of the way Christians deal with things and talk about them but who is Christian to her core in the most beautiful ways. She is so real and down to earth and inspiring, and an incredible writer. And her book on writing, Bird By Bird: Instructions On Writing And Life, is a classic in the field and should be read by every writer on the planet. This is what she wrote today on Facebook and you do yourself a disservice if you don’t read every word…

I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve posted here, and I’m not really back, but wanted to wave and save hello. I have been working on a book about hope in these dark, strange days, that will be out in October. It has been all that I’ve done for months, except for a little random life thrown in here and there.

Random life is the reason for hope. Random life means looking up and around, not staring at our achey feet, so homely and so often planted in stunned hopelessness. (The original title of my new book was Doomed: A Book Of Hope.) Random life means picking up litter, which always feels good, and random life means cats, and oranges, and random life means the student and mothers’ movement for gun control, which more than anything, fill me with hope. These feet of mine will march with them in joy, sorrow and conviction, and people I know who have lost the use of their feet will march in wheelchairs beside us.

(A certain kind of person—probably a Christian—hears you mention your feet and insists that you look at the bright side. You still have feet, ie doctors did not have to amputate them because of frostbite or leprosy. Or at least the surgery was not performed under a bridge.)

That’s very nice, I say to them; thank you so much for sharing. What I want to say is, I’m hearing a lot of rage. Also, I back away before they can tell me that God never gives us more than we can handle, which will make me want to hurt them.

(And speaking of leprosy, if I might digress, Mark Shields said the other day, after an unusually trying week at the White House, that it’s like civil war in a leper colony.) (I know he meant that in a nice way.)

Random life, random feet. Mine took me to spend Tuesday with one of my closest friends, who is suddenly on a deep decline. Why is this best man in the world so sick? Because this happens to people, and he is a person. I do whatever I can for him; I do what is possible. And what I do NOT do is tell him is that God never gives us more than we can bear.

My sick friend was happy to be with me, because I don’t repeat naggy stupid spiritual cliches. I was happy because I love him so much, and got to serve. Getting sober in a loving community, 31 years ago, taught me how to go from big shot, to servant, where I have found happiness and hope. I found it Tuesday.

Then Wednesday, my feet took me to the ER, where my young associate had a mild concussion. He turned out to be okay. He had been chased into a metal pole at school by his colleague, and had a big goose egg, but passed the brain tests. We all sat around ER for observation. Aides brought us cards and games, and he beat the rest of us in Connects 4, which is unseemly in an 8 year old. Finally he let me win a round. I said, “You are my favorite relative, and I am going to leave you all my money.”

On Thursday, my random feet took me to my periodontist, who did two implant surgeries. Why did I need two implant surgeries? Because my mother was English, and English people have teeth made of of chalk and Necco wafers. Plus it is not fair. Okay fine–fair is where the pony rides are, but I still hated all of life that afternoon. My only hope was to practice radical self-care—I ate ice cream all day in bed, as God intended, although I was in pain, and a little bitter.

But everyone babied me—God with skin on, in Her distressing guise as my boyfriend, my son, my grandson, the cat, the dog and the sacramental element of ice cream.) (Oh, and 4 Advil at one time.) (And the newest issue of People.)

On Friday, I went for the slowest walk humanly possible with a younger friend, who suddenly has severe lung disease. She used to run 8 miles a day, and now a two mile walk took us 2.5 hours. I said, “This walk is making me GAIN weight.” But we were beside a rushing rain-filled creek, in a grove of bay laurels and redwoods and sky peeked through the clouds and the canopy of trees, like blue jigsaw pieces. Why does she have sudden severe lung disease? Because these things happen to people, and she is a person. We have stuck together for 20 years now, and we will stick together through whatever her future brings, and we will walk slowly together, and lift our gaze into the rushing creek where one of these times, if we don’t give up, we will see salmon spawning. I mean, come on now.

Thank you, random life, thank you student movement, thank you loving and furious mothers, and thank you feet that will march with you.

Thank you for the minuet of old friendships, and for a gorgeous profound romance of a year and a half. Thank you, God, who as someone just told me, never said it would be easy, but did promise me that it would work. Thank you, periodontist, and thank you to my readers, who were always here and helped me be able to afford implant surgery. Thank you ER doctor, who looked about 18 and was so smart; and nurses, who along with public school teachers are God’s favorite people and will get the best seats in heaven, and smiling aides with playing cards.

You are all why I am so filled with hope. Thank you.

I read Annie’s words and I WOKE UP! What in God’s name was I doing reading Joe Vitale? My apologies to Dr. Vitale and all of those who love his work but seriously, this is not who I am nor who I want to be. Yes, I need to be able to create income with my work, it matters to me more than I can say, but that is not the way I am going to go about it. I have to pursue my work and my dreams by being real, by writing from the heart, by living each day giving everything I’ve got, by being of service in the world, and believing that what I do matters enough that everything will fall into place. If what I do in the world has value and worth it will come in an honorable way because people care and the work I do matters. And I am going to get there, not by reading Joe Vitale and others who have “the secret” about how to make money, but by people who are standing up in the world living their beliefs, one day at a time, one person at a time, giving all they’ve got, and know that that’s what matters. Anne Lamott’s words set me straight, they brought me back to myself, and I am thanking God for this revelation. I have her book Help, Thanks, Wow: The Three Essential Prayers cued up to listen to again (For the 3rd or 4th time.) as soon as I get this blog post up. Then I am going to listen to all of her other books. And I am going to delete Joe Vitale’s book from my phone and never look at it again.

And yes, I am still afraid, I am almost 64 and I need to see an income building in my life so that I know that I will be okay in the world, but I’ll tell you what, it won’t happen if I stay in fear. I won’t get the work done, the work I do will be tainted, and I won’t be able to be in integrity with my work. I feel that I have once again this week been pulled back from the brink, and I am heaving a sigh of relief yet again.

This blog post is way too long and if you’ve stayed with me to the end here I thank you and I do apologize but there’s nothing I can really cut and say everything I feel like I need to say and share. I hope that it has helped you in some way. It helped me enormously writing it. Now I shall publish this post and spend the next few hours with Annie Lamott. It is exactly where I need to be.