Circadian Rhythms

Glorious Hibiscus Moscheutos

This morning I was out in the garden with the dogs before 8. I photographed my beautiful hibiscus and a rose just starting to bloom again. It was a wonder to be out in the yard that early. In the last few years I have walked out on the deck with the dogs and waited for them to go out to the potty and come back in. Today my glorious, huge hibiscus beckoned and out I went. Something in me is shifting, I have been fighting it for some reason, but this morning I gave in and got up. I’m glad I did.

When I was young I was definitely a morning person. I loved early mornings. And when my children were young and we were homeschooling I would set my alarm for 5:00, creep into the kitchen and make my coffee, and then settle back into my study to read and write for 3 hours before the kids got up. But after my marriage ended and I was alone my Circadian Rhythms went topsy turvy. I had a very hard time sleeping at night at all. If I went to sleep at 3:00 a.m. that was an early night. Often I was up until dawn. During those years I would sleep until noon but I never liked that because I was starting my day so late I was out of sync with the rest of the world. In the last few years I have gone to sleep between midnight and 2:00 a.m. and been up between 9 and 10. Now things are shifting again. I have been fighting the change and I don’t know why. I am beginning to give in.

Last night I turned out the light before 11. This was unusual for me. I got up a couple of times briefly to go potty but by 6:30 when I got up I knew I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep. Still, I fought it as I have the last few mornings. I keep my blackout sleep mask on, I try, try, try to go back to sleep but it is no good. Yesterday morning I refused to get up before 9. But what happens for me when my body won’t go back to sleep but my mind is fighting waking up is that my mind starts going in all kinds of directions that just make me increasingly anxious. This morning I stood it until just before 8, sat up, turned on the light, and told the babies it was time to get up. The dogs are so unused to getting up that early and were sleeping so soundly it was an adjustment for them to get up then, but up we got, and out we went.

There is something so precious about being out in the garden that early, before it gets so hot out, when things are freshly blooming, still dewy, and not limp from the afternoon sun. When I was at home with my children my favorite thing, after the kids got up, was to go out into the garden, coffee cup in one hand, notebook and pen in the other, and go around to see what was blooming, what was sprouting, what new changes were occurring in the garden, and to make notes. In those years I had a very large garden and every morning there were new things blooming everywhere, a succession of miracles. It is not like that now, but, still, there are delights and surprises. Just this morning a new bud opened on the Julia Child rose. One of my favorites. I have always loved yellow roses…

The dogs and I were back in the house a little after 8. I fed them and put the water on for coffee. I cleaned out Canela’s papers, and got her food — so much fun to have a parrot in the house again, even for a few days — and a little after 8:30 I was here at my desk with my coffee, the pugs snuggled in close, and I started my day. It is hard for me to get up earlier, but it is so good to be up and going earlier, especially as the days get so unbearably hot now by noontime, that I feel I have been given a gift of time. I am not going to fight getting up any longer. Still, neither the dogs or I are going to be quite ready to start the day at 6:30! I am going to try, after I get up to go to the potty, to maybe snuggle back in with them and read for a little while, maybe jot down a few notes as thoughts arise, and try to be up and going by at least 8. I am going to see how that goes. Going to bed earlier and getting up earlier is a shift that will work well for summer.

Too, something else is happening. Since I got rid of cable t.v. over a year ago I have been watching the news on my phone at bedtime. I would be settled in my recliner with the pugs between 10:30 and 11 and would watch, or at least listen, to the news as I was getting sleepy. But the news these days is too hard to bear. I am so deeply sensitive I just cannot stand to listen, it is upsetting me terribly, and I think it has been keeping me from sleeping well. Last night as I sat here at my desk and started watching The Rachel Maddow show which I have really loved, I just couldn’t stand it. I turned it off. I am not trying to be an ostrich with my head in the sand. I am praying with my whole heart for change to come with this hard news we are hearing, but I cannot even function if I get too deeply into it. I have had to fight, for years, to function at all, to be well enough to survive and keep my head above water. This is not politically on point as I wish I could be, but for me surviving, and functioning, are what I have to focus on. To this end I am going to read at bedtime. No news. I have tried listening to an audiobook I am enjoying but it puts me to sleep and I miss the book and have to keep trying to find my way back in the story and it’s just too hard to manage that way. Tonight when I get off the computer and snuggle up with the pugs it will be with a book and my journal.

So much in my life is shifting. I don’t know why we fight change, even when it is better for us, but I have decided to embrace my Circadian Rhythms and see where the changing hours take me. And to find peace in my heart and life I will be turning away from the news and back to books, and my days will be filled with my animals, the garden, my writing, and my fiber work, and I am going to be open, without expectation, to where it all leads me. It is a new day, and I am slowly finding my way. I will embrace the changes and go from here.