It is past 11:00 at night. I am in my studio and the pugs are anxious to go to bed. I have been dragging myself through the day, unable to write this post until now, but I signed up for the September Blogging Challenge With Effy and I am determined to meet this challenge and post every day this month because I want to keep myself writing, and blogging. I believe that I can make it if I just keep writing.
But right now I am nearly wild-eyed because I started writing this post an hour ago, already very late, and after writing fast and furious and becoming more and more afraid because the words were pure drivel and the time was passing, I thought, “I cannot do this, I cannot get this done, I have nothing to say and my bipolar brain is spinning. Help me God, please help me…” And I deleted everything that I had written.
I just wrote and deleted three more paragraphs. My mind will not let me rest.
It is quarter to twelve, just minutes before my deadline today, and I think that if I push myself much harder right now I will crack. Effy said that we needn’t write a long blog post, some days just a few words, or a picture. For tonight all I have to offer are these few words…
Be kind to yourself, don’t push too hard, be gentle with yourself, all of you, always, but especially if you suffer from some form of mental illness. In this last hour I have been pushing too hard, I have been at war with myself, I am near tears, and I want to curl up with my pugs and go to sleep and that’s what I’m going to do.
I’m sorry I have so little to offer you tonight. I am hurting and afraid and numb and I am going to post this now so I can see some words on the screen that let me know I made it today, that I exist, that I am here. Tonight that will have to be enough. I hope you understand.
But know this, you are in my heart, always, and I will be here again tomorrow, tomorrow is another day…
