Okay loves, when you are doing a 30 day blog challenge you have to come up with something to say every single day. I have the wonderful Effy Wild to thank for this and her  September Blogging Challenge With Effy, truly, is one of the best things I’ve done for a long time. And as the days go along things just will come out, silly things, sad things, hard things, and things that are just really random. I’m thinking this post is the latter, let me explain.

In an effort not to do another blog post that sounds exactly like yesterday’s (Zendoodle + Jenny Lawson) I am putting the Zendoodle at the bottom of this post and leaving Jenny Lawson out entirely mostly. Mostly because I just need to say that while striving to get through the day with my usual difficulties I did resort to having Jenny Lawson videos on again while I Zendoodled, but the subject matter in the Zendoodle was a little embarrassing. As you will see when you get to the bottom of this post there is both a bottle of xanax and two wineglasses and a bottle of wine in the Zendoodle. I felt this was entirely too revealing but it’s not as bad as it sounds (and both glasses of wine were not for me, the other one is there for you if you’d like a glass…), I neither abuse prescription drugs or alcohol. I have xanax (which I’m actually weaning off of) in the morning, and a glass (or two, but most nights only one) of wine in the evening. This helps me relax and keeps me from cowering in my chair (When I refer to the chair it’s a huge, oversized recliner called, seriously, The Beast, which I got after the fire, note the largest one in the picture!). I nap in it, I sleep in it at night, and I hide in it with my soft blanket and my pugs as often as I need to when I am having a very hard time. This chair with my super soft blanket covered with 3 pugs is, many a day, the only way I feel safe in the world.

Today was not one of the really bad days with depression, anxiety, and the rollercoaster of bipolar disorder, but I have a serious toothache which, as I am typing this, is killing me. I called the clinic today and they have not called me back yet. When you have no medical insurance and rely on the clinic it seems you don’t get right in like you once did with your private dentist and I am really hurting. It’s better in the morning and worse at night but the thing is it’s not just a tooth, it’s the whole right side of my bottom jaw and hurts on my face from just under my lower lip all the around my jaw to my ear. I have pains in my ear. Oh God it is aching. Tonight I had a glass of wine and just held wine in that side of my mouth to try to numb it because I have no clove oil or numbing products to help. (Agoraphobia won out over tooth pain today, as bad as it was, but I have therapy tomorrow so I will get something then.) I also am intermittently keeping a little ice pack on which seems to help. And the thing is I just went to the dentist last Tuesday, exactly one week ago, and they did a full set of x-rays + panoramic x-rays and I was checked by both the hygienist and the dentist and they all said I was in great shape and just made my next cleaning appointment. My tooth started bothering me a little over 24 hours later and by the time I was in increasing pain, really uncomfortable, it was the weekend and they were closed. And yesterday was a holiday, and I called and left a message today and they didn’t call me back. And I’m just not in very good shape at all. I will call ten times tomorrow if that’s what it takes but in the meantime if you have any good remedies for toothache please leave them in the comments below. I’d appreciate them more than I can say.

By midmorning I was in pain and worried and didn’t know what to do with myself. I put Jenny Lawson on for company because she writes humorous books and a blog about mental illness and in her youtube videos she is darling but seems definitely nervous and anxious and says things like “Pardon me my pills haven’t kicked in yet.” which I totally relate to. She feels like something familiar and I know I’m not the only one who understands this. And I got out my markers, that big black bag of markers at the top of the page, and my pad of paper, and I start to draw. Now I have to say something about these markers because they just came a week ago and I’m thrilled to death with them and I want you to know how I got them cheaply!

I bought these markers through the app called “Wish” a place that has a whole lot of junk but amazing art supplies CHEAP. And if you’re going to shop at Wish first get online and get a coupon. You get 50% off your first order. These markers are $40 on amazon, I’ve seen them up to $80, but I paid $16 and it was a splurge and a treat for me but I had just signed up for art therapy and that’s why I got them. I love them. And I like to share amazing sales info like this because most of us can’t pay $40 or $80 for markers (There are 80 in the set and they come in amazing colors!) and I didn’t mind for this month taking it out of my grocery money for my art therapy class. These Zendoodles sprang out of my art therapy although they were really supposed to be regular Zentangles and as I’ve said I kind of got about half way into it then flipped over into doodling which really doesn’t come until the 2nd part of the art therapy course. I am not especially good at following directions, but it is very therapeutic nonetheless and really helping me a lot, even with the toothache. Jenny Lawson (Oh I’m so sorry, I said her name AGAIN!) and my fabulous new markers (The brand is TouchFive, they are alcohol markers and have a broad chisel tip on one side and a fine point on the other. You can find them on amazon just for the information if you’re interested.) and Zendoodling got me through the day.

I really really wish I had something more profound to say. I had less to say a couple of nights ago when my bipolar bits and parts had me weighted down like there were cement blocks around my ankles all the while my brain was spinning, but that might have been better than tonight when I’m just sort of rambling. But I’m here, I showed up. Blog Challenge, Day 5. I DID it! I wasn’t sure how I’d get anything written at all because of my tooth/jaw ache and the fact that Hurricane Irma is headed toward us, unless she veers course, which I am praying she does, but living in Wilmington, NC where hurricanes are nearly a yearly thing always makes us nervous here and it does my bipolary bits and parts absolutely no good at all.

So here’s the Zendoodle for today, made with my fabulous markers, when I had Jenny Lawson, xanax and wine on the brain, and if I had any serious filters I’d probably have more sense than to put this up because it really isn’t very good, and, well, wine and xanax and all. Just remember I do not abuse either, they both just tend to be leitmotifs in my life. Especially when I’ve had weeks worth of really bad days and I have a tooth/jaw ache and I’m really not sure what’s going to happen to me for the whole rest of my life and I’m scared most of the time. But here it is, it’s all I’ve got…

So there you have it. That’s today. I’m praying I have something more meaningful to write tomorrow.

But I do send you love and I do wish you well and I hope if you’re reading this tomorrow is a good day. It’s nearly 11 p.m. here. I better get this sent!