For some reason it has been one of the hard days. I am sad and I feel lost.

The day started well enough. Last night I made the decision to close registration for the classes and keep our group to the 20 or so lovely women in it. This was well received and all went well. My daughter was here last night and we had the loveliest evening. I made dinner for us, we visited, had a little wine, watched a movie. I slept not too badly last night. This morning was another dark, rainy morning with torrential downpours, but there was a break in the rain and I was able to get the dogs out. I took care of them, fed them, made my coffee, and got started on my day. It seemed, as some days do, that all was going along okay, but this afternoon things started to unravel.

I don’t know why these things happen.

It is as though something starts to come apart somewhere in the center and you can feel yourself falling through. You try to grab onto the edges but the threads slip through your fingers.

I had looked forward to something this weekend that isn’t going to happen. And then I got an unexpected bill in the mail that scared me. All of a sudden I’ve begun wondering about medicare and it completely overwhelms me. A laundry list of fears that is 10 miles long is flying through my mind.

Stop. Sit down. Take a breath.

I walked outside with the dogs. The little area that I broadcast a million different seeds in in May but which are mainly varieties of cosmos and zinnias which I planted heavily has begun to bloom. It is beautiful but not quite the glory that it once was before the fire. The once beautiful green fence looks old and dirty and the wood is rotting all along the bottom, but there are the flowers, and the whole area was abuzz with bees, dragonflies were everywhere, there were butterflies. My heart lifted. I plant this area for the insects. I rarely even pick any of the flowers though there are thousands. I plant for the insects and the birds. It makes me so happy to see them enjoying themselves there as they will late into fall.

And just as I was turning to go in I spotted the one perfect pink zinnia. Somehow it felt like a sign to me. Amidst chaos and confusion there is still perfection and beauty in enough places to help us make sense of the world. In that moment it was enough.

Tonight I am scared again. And sad, and lonely. As I write this there are tears in my eyes and that feeling you get when you know you are about to break down and really cry. But there was that one perfect zinnia, and there are many more. I will try to remember that.

I know, somehow, that everything will be okay. I go through this. I get past it. But tonight I am sad, and I am lonely, and not even the zinnia is helping.

The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda

If you would like to be put on the waiting list for our group please send me an email to: TheSundayNightWritingGroup@gmail.com. Tell me why you would like to join the group. For more information about The Sunday Night Writing Group click on the link herein.