The two sides of myself are at war…

I thought that I would write this entry, that I needed to write this entry, that it was something, if I shared, it might help others.

Oh HELL no, you can’t be that naked, that scared. that vulnerable. You can’t afford to.

What the hell does THAT mean?

You are the polite, kind, nice person and nobody knows your demons, your pain, what terrifies you and wakes you in the night so that you are so afraid you can’t get out of bed and you are terrified to stay there.

I won’t talk about that.

Well, if you don’t you are a liar.

I know.

You said long ago that you were here to be of service.

Well, yes, I am, but…

But not if it embarrasses you, shows your human side, your fear, your anger, your hurt, your disappointment?

Well, how does it help anyone to yammer on about my feelings. It can’t help anyone.

Yes it can.

How?

Because they have that same person yammering inside themselves, and they think no one will understand, or that they are crazy, or that people won’t like them or…

Okay, I get it but this is too embarrassing.

I know, but what if you never say it? What if you helped one person, wouldn’t that be worth it?

Well..

You’re a liar if you don’t.

Well…

Are you here to rise above your own human shit and..

YOU CAN’T SAY THAT! What will people think?

They will be relieved.

What?

You don’t seem human to people you seem all nicety nice, but you feel anger and rage and fear and despair and…

Okay, I get it…

So say it.

I am afraid…

And…

I am angry and stupid…

What do you mean?

I live in a fairy tale world where I believe if people say something they mean it…

They do mean it when they say it, but life happens…

But why do they say it, if they know it might not happen?

Because they are human.

I don’t do that.

Yes, you do.

I…

Well…

Yes, I do, I just want to make someone feel good, and I’d really like to mean it, and I want to be there and I want to make someone feel good but…

But it’s not possible because inside you are too afraid…

Afraid of what?

You know.

I can’t spend my whole life worrying about that.

But you are, you have been, you will..

Why..

Because you loved her, because she told you to hold on, to trust, and…

And she didn’t come back, but…

But she had to leave the country to…

You can’t talk about that. About her work, it’s secret.

I won’t.

She might be dead, she might have…

You still love her.

That has nothing to do with this.

It has everything to do with this. If you love yourself first you can feel sad about that but you will know you will be okay.

I don’t know that, my heart is broken.

And so you are looking for other people to keep promises to make up for her…

NO, I’m not.

Really?

I —

Really?

The only way to help others is to get out of your own way. You keep working no matter what happens. If something doesn’t work you keep on going, you are here for others not for your fragile ego, you’ve got to understand that, to let go of that…

I know (crying)…

You will be okay honey. Do your work. You left the world for a reason.

Yes, I did.

Then keep working, no matter what happens. Something will work or it won’t but it doesn’t matter, just keep on working and stay in the present moment. You  did a lot of work, it didn’t pan out, you learn from that and keep on going.

What do you have, what is ALL you have?

Right now, right now in this moment, that is all.

Will you remember that?

I’ll try.

No, that’s not good enough. Will you remember that? Will you keep the promise you made? Your heart broke in half but the half that you are still holding onto is more than enough and it’s good that is was broken.

I hate you, you’ve no right to say that.

If it wasn’t broken you would have no way to understand, to really help those that come to you, that need you.

I…

Yes.

I… You’re right.

You may hurt until the end of your days, but your pain is your strength, and in the end. you can’t control the past, you have no idea what will come tomorrow you only have —

The present moment.

And it is enough?

Yes, it is enough.

Will you get back to work now.

Yes.

Go do your work.

I will.

Now!

I am.

Good. Don’t forget.

I won’t.

You will make it, you really will, and your making it and being honest about it will help so many people. More than you know.

I hurt, so badly, but… I know that I can do this.

You can.

I will… Thank you.

You’re welcome.

I’m leaving.

No, don’t go.

You are on your own, you were meant to be on your own. This is your journey this time around.

I’m scared.

Good, keep that, use that, be honest about that. That’s the only thing that matters.

Goodbye.

(Silence.)

I will do this, I can do this, I’m ready.

(Silence.)

Here I go. I don’t know how I can post this. I am terrified to post this. I have to post this. Here I go…