I had the dream again.
Tell me about it honey.
No, it makes me sad.
Why?
Because it’s a dream, it’s only a dream.
Sometimes dreams come true.
Mostly they don’t.
You’ve had dreams that came true. Just look where you are. You are here in your little cottage with your pugs and parrots and the garden and your books, you are living the life you’ve wanted your whole life.
Really?
Isn’t it?
Well, I love my life, but I think I chose it because it’s the only way I can live, and have peace, and be okay, but…
But?
Well, sometimes…
Go on, say it.
Sometimes I get lonely.
That’s okay.
Not often…
No?
But sometimes I do.
Tell me about the dream.
In the dream I had a friend with flowers in her hair, and she put flowers in mine. We were outside in a meadow. It was so beautiful…
It sounds beautiful.
But it made me very sad.
Sad? Why?
Because I don’t believe it anymore and I can’t let myself believe it. I believed it once, but the girl with the flowers in her hair always leaves.
Why do you think she leaves?
Because I’m odd.
Not too odd.
Very odd. And you know it.
Well honey, you’re being a little hard on yourself. You’re just different.
Why do I have to be different?
Everybody is different.
Not this different. And don’t give me that unique as a snowflake bullshit.
Why, my word, listen to you!
I didn’t mean it, it slipped out.
You meant it.
No I didn’t.
Yes you did.
Yes, I did. I did because I want the girl with flowers in her hair to come and stay. Do you think that’s possible?
Do you?
No.
Well if you don’t she won’t.
What are you saying?
I am saying that if you don’t believe someone will love you they won’t.
I DIDN’T say love, I said a friend.
You meant love.
No I didn’t. You’re going to embarrass me in public. I just said a friend…
… with flowers in her hair.
Yes.
Not all people who you have loved have gone away.
I didn’t say love…. but…
But what?
If she came, the girl with flowers in her hair, it would be okay if she loved me, I think…
I think that would be very nice.
Why are you always talking to me.
I’m not talking to you. I’m just sitting here, with you.
I’m talking to myself again aren’t I?
No, we’re just thinking, trying to work this out.
Oh dear God, I’m crazy as a loon, do you see what I mean. Girls with flowers in their hair don’t love somebody who is crazy as a loon.
See, you said love.
I was just saying…
You want to be loved.
It’s not going to happen.
It might.
I don’t think so. I mean, I don’t see how, and I need to lose weight and I have to get my work going and I need to figure my whole life out and solve all the big problems and get everything sorted out first. I have to be ready.
Honey, you’re just shy of sixty. You can be ready when you’re dead, while people are alive they are never ready, the time is never right, they have weight to lose, or maybe their hair is falling out, or maybe all kinds of things, you just have to admit that you want to be loved.
By the girl with the flowers in her hair…
She might not have flowers in her hair, and it might not be in a meadow, but she could be nice, and you might pick her some flowers from your garden.
Do you think she’d like that?
She might. Now, go ahead and say it.
I think I want someone to love me. Oh GOD! That is the most terrifying thing I have ever said outloud. I want to go and hide under a rock.
Don’t go hide under a rock. Let’s just sit here quietly. We’ll breathe, and we will be very present. We will just sit here. You don’t have to worry what will happen tomorrow, you just have to say it.
I’m afraid.
It’s okay, everybody is afraid, go ahead and say it.
I want somebody to love me.
There, was that so hard?
Yes.
That’s alright, you said it, now don’t worry about it anymore, let’s just sit, and breathe, and rest, and be. You feel better don’t you.
Yes… but I’m going to close my eyes. I feel shy and I don’t want anybody to see me now.
It’s okay, nobody can see you.
Let’s just breathe.
Just breathe.
Breathe.
Yes.
