Well, it wasn’t that bad, but it may have been close. Maybe. Sort of. I mean I turn the computer on before I have even taken my meds or had the first sip of my latte. Uh-huh, you got the picture. The pugs kind of slunk away and the parrots put one wing over their faces.

My OY VEY could have been heard up and down the East Coast!

One hates to admit being so computer dependent, but there you have it, and I know I’m not the only one. I hope. Gee willikers do I ever hope.

The thing is that the computer is really my link to the outside world and I work from home and most of all it is part of my routine and if I don’t stick to my rigid routine (as rigid as rigor mortis) my bi polar bits go nuts! Well, they’re not happy anyway. My routine is email with latte. Latte with email. I have gotten 4 dogs and 5 parrots up, fed, and well taken care of before I even make the latte and by the time I sit down and turn on the computer I am ready to start my day. Ready. 

It already didn’t bode well last night but I was too tired to really make sense of it. I got rid of cable tv so now it’s just the roku box and streaming this and that. I was watching something past midnight to help me settle down and go to sleep, a 3 hour BBC show I had watched half of the night before, and it was good. Really good. Thrilling. Riveting. I couldn’t wait to watch the last half but it kept freezing up and finally wouldn’t work at all. I fiddled around with it and it seemed that it was the wifi but these things often work themselves out by morning.

It didn’t work itself out.

My first reaction is frustration, then agitation, moving right on into over-blown anxiety, and then the dread horror of having to call technical support. These things never go easily or especially well and usually require a long time on the phone. This time was no different. I always seem to have the problem that baffles the tech guy. When a tech guy says, “Oh, uhm, gee, this is unusual, do you mind if I put you on hold?” you know you’re sunk.

I gulped my pills down with the now lukewarm latte, teeth clenched, and nothing close to mindful.

Breathe, I told myself, breathhheeeeee.

HELL NO I’m not breathing!

But you teach this, you’re trying to make a business of this, it works for you, you…

But it’s the WIFI… (whiny)

Breathe…

(sniff)

Breathe…

Okay… Half enthusiastic breath.

You can do better than that.

One fat tear rolls down cheek.

Your meds will kick in soon.

Silence.

C’mon.

(Big breath in, big breath oouuuutttttttt. Body slumps down in chair.)

Good girl.

The tech guy comes back on the line. Try this, he says cheerfully. I tried. No go. Try that, he says hopefully. I tried. No better. Well, maybe try this then, he says somewhat warily. Uh-uh. “Oh God, can I put you on hold?”

I set to breathing like my life depended on it, which, actually, by now it did. I picked up little Delilah and hugged her and started breathing. Something about her soft, warm little self and that wee pug face looking up at me makes me actually smile, and then kind of laugh. I mean seriously, could you resist this…

That’s exactly the look she gets on her little face when I pick her up.

By the time the tech guy gets back on the phone he actually sounds forlorn like maybe I might come through the line, or worse show up in person, and kill him. Now I may be kind of crazy but I’m not violent, and by now I have calmed down and actually feel sorry for him.

“It’s okay,” I say, what do we try next? This cheers him a bit and we both worked together trying this and that and then BINGO! the computer came on, the Roku started working, my printer, which is also on wifi, not so much, but 2 out of 3 wasn’t bad and I was online. I thanked him profusely, he sounded immensely relieved, and then said, “Is there anything else I can do for you,” with a sound in his voice that seemed suspiciously like he was praying “Oh God, I hope she says no!” No, I said, thank you, I’m sorry it took so long.

I don’t know who was more relieved to be off the phone, him or me, but I was so happy to be online I didn’t even care that my latte was cold. We had been on the phone for an hour and forty-five minutes and I was worn out. My morning brain after not sleeping well and no latte coursing through my veins on top of the marathon phone call had worn me plumb out. I have dilly-dallied around most of the day and gotten almost nothing done at all.

But here’s the thing, mindfulness does work. It worked today during the No Wifi Debacle. I’m embarrassed to admit how completely this sort of thing undoes me but it makes me feel vulnerable and helpless in a way that my bi polar bits don’t do well with and then the aftermath is something very akin to all of the air being let out of a balloon. I know that this seems extreme but it’s part and parcel of living with a handful of issues that I work to manage daily and most days do just fine with. I’m fine now, just tired.

This is one of the reasons I feel so strongly about having a mindfulness practice in place. It doesn’t always come easy, like when your wifi goes out, but it does come, and it saved the day (and the tech guy) and the relief, release, and appreciation of the whole process is huge.

The pugs are worn out too. It’s only 10:30 but I’m going to get off of the computer and we’ll do our night-time routine and go snuggle up on the couch. The Roku box works, I have 4 pugs to hug, and, as Scarlett so aptly put it in Gone With The Wind,  “Tomorrow will be a better day.”