[It would probably be helpful, in understanding this post, if you read the one I wrote last week: On Being A Bipolar Artist ~ Expanding & Contracting, Learning & Growing… for context and an explanation of who “The Inchworm and The Flying Squirrel” are.]
“The Realization… (From a diary entry I wrote yesterday)
I have been very sick for most of the last week, not Covid related sickness, to be polite I will simply say severe lower intestinal distress that has been what I now believe was the physical manifestation of the need for a deep cleanse and letting go of a lot of things that just weren’t working. Today is the first day since I got sick, 6 days ago, that I am beginning to feel better, not quite 100%, but better. And as these things go these terrible days, in the process of releasing, emptying, letting go, and opening up to the new and what is right for me now would happen today, the first day of Spring. It is a time of rebirth, renewal, and new beginnings. All hail Ostara!
The most important part of all of this is Maisie. No, she’s not going anywhere, but she is returning to what she was meant to be all along, which was joyful art, fun, an absolutely blissy place, where I created a whole world that was just delightful. We were having a ball, Maisie and I, that is until I decided, prompted by so many people, that there needed to be a Maisie book. And you all have seen me struggle, and I couldn’t figure out why.
What I have realized is that there is definitely a book in me, and Maisie will be in it, but it is not the book I thought I would write, and Maisie is going to return to what she was meant to be all along, a delightful character that I paint where there are no constraints, where she and her world don’t have to mean anything with a big story around her, I am going to paint her, as I always have, and I am going to offer her paintings, and others, for sale. Maisie’s World is far too big for little illustrations in a book, I need to return to the big paper/paintings and no I don’t have a scanner big enough for them but they will have to be taken out and scanned. Trying to squeeze her into a book, when she didn’t belong in that kind of thing in that way, and certainly didn’t WANT to be in that kind of book that way, is what has stopped me cold. I feel such a tremendous sense of relief to be going back to Maisie’s big paintings with lots of detail, I just cannot tell you. Phew. But there is a book…”
Here’s the thing, and it’s a slippery slope. Norman (The Flying Squirrel) was buzzing around my head as these thoughts came, not landing hard, but letting himself be known. Olivia, The Inchworm, was off reading a book on a branch somewhere and not paying any attention at all. Basically I was left to my own devices and I was still sick, and weary, and tired, and sad, and lost. What Norman would have me do was one of two things — Chuck the whole Maisie book idea entirely and just go back to painting her as I did and dearly loved, OR, do the book he wanted me to do and has been hounding me about for the last week, the book called, “The Inchworm and The Flying Squirrel: Diary of A Bipolar Artist.” Now both of those things made sense in their own way, and Maisie would still be IN the diary book, but she would be freed up just to be in the land of dreamy dreams where I created her world in big detailed paintings and she would just pop in the latter book here and there when she had something to say. I think, in my lifetime, over 40 years of writing professionally, blogging, etc, the thing that has had the most response and really helped people was me writing very honestly about living with mental illness, bipolar disorder, and the rest. There was an outpouring of love, support, and comments about how important what I wrote last week was, a whole new way to look at, understand, and perhaps live with bipolar disorder, something unlike all the other books out there. Well, I could see there was merit there, but still, it began to feel like the Norman was wreaking havoc with me, trying to get me to stop my Maisie book and just go back to joyful painting which in the end would be me here painting and having fun and producing no significant work. He would love to see me stumble and fall. I knew that wasn’t right but I didn’t know what to make of it. This morning, after a very rough night, up and down and up and down due to feeling sick as well as nervous and afraid, I took Xanax at 8:30 and didn’t get up until 1. I was so shocked to have slept that late and so discombobulated for having risen past noon that I have been off-kilter ever since.
Let me tell you what I think is happening, and I am serious about this. My bipolar disorder may seem to go dormant for periods but those are periods when I’m not really doing anything, not trying to accomplish anything, playing about joyfully painting but with no destination in mind. I don’t think I had almost any bipolar flare-ups the 2 years I was just painting Maisie, having produced over 40 paintings. I was happier than I had been in years, more at peace. But as soon as I got serious about doing something more, doing a book, say, my bipolary bits and parts and pieces came back to life. “Oh no you don’t!” I could feel the squirrel say as he swooped in right and left wreaking havoc in every direction. And the Inchworm, who had been happily on my shoulder for 2 years when I was just painting, went off on that limb and commenced reading all the books she’d put aside for ages.
This weekend I have begun to realize it is as if I am in the battle of a lifetime. Quit trying to accomplish big goals, or face the squirrel head on. I am telling you exactly how I feel. I feel like I am very literally fighting for my life and sanity. And I’ll tell you what else. I intend to win!
I will not give up on painting and making art and doing Maisie and even doing a book but, I am beginning to see something in a new way. To that end I am going to tell you the two things I am thinking about and I would love your input, it would mean the world to me, to help me gain perspective.
These are the two alternatives I have been mulling over…
- Continue working on Maisie’s book as I have been. The thing is I am not having a very good time with it and Maisie doesn’t seem happy about it. The whole thing that made Maisie’s art so special, that people loved, that I loved doing, were the big, very detailed pictures of Maisie’s World and life and they just don’t fit in a book, not the size I could self-publish through Amazon’s KDP (Kindle Direct Publishing which would publish it as a paperback and for Kindles). If I had a publisher who could publish a great big book like a big children’s book (this is an illustrated book for adults or all ages, not a children’s book, but the format would be similar if that were possible) it would be a whole different matter, but this is not possible, I have no money to pay an independent publisher upfront, so it is off the table.
The thing about publishing the book I started with little illustrations which just aren’t Maisie’s forte or mine would be that I wouldn’t be “giving up on anything” and would fulfill what I said I would do and that matters to me. A lot. But I am struggling, it is taking a toll, I believe that is why I have been sick for a week, and it is just not working.
2. The other option is to write the book Norman wants me to write which is the book that is the diary of a bipolar artist, and the merit there would be that I believe I would be writing a book that could help a lot of people but also part of that book would be my journey to become an artist late in life, at 59, finally discovering Maisie 2 years ago at 65, all the troubles that I am having facing trying to make art when every time I start to get somewhere the Flying Squirrel appears (Remember the Flying Monkeys in The Wizard of Oz? They scared me more than anything ever in any movie. That’s what it feels like when Norman appears again.) but how despite it all I continue on. I can’t tell you the number of people who have written to me over the 15 years I have done this blog, now well over 2 million people have visited, and told me how much my honesty about living with mental illness, and how I cope, helped them. Some have told me reading a blog post that I wrote about this subject saved them from suicide. That was both sobering and staggering and humbling. I always hope that I might be able to help people with my work but to hear that it helped to that extent just simply blew me away. I had no idea.
And this book about being a bipolar artist would have everything in it I wanted to say through Maisie, how, despite whatever our limitations are in life, we can achieve our dreams, or variations of them. We can build a happy life, despite the ups and downs and hard days. I am deeply grateful for the life I have. And if doing this work is the battle of a lifetime for me, and I believe it is, triumphing over my demons, and the Flying Squirrel with therapy, medication, and a boatload of self-care practices and, allowing for an off-time here or there, continuing under all circumstances, well, in the end maybe that would be my legacy, something that could live on past me continuing to help others. And I would include all kinds of art I am making, not just Maisie, meanwhile getting back to doing those big Maisie paintings just to sell. it’s time to sell my art, and I intend to.
This morning I wondered if I should push on with the book I have been doing and use the diary book as just that, a diary, something I would use as one does a diary to work out thoughts and feeling and problems, a thing that could support me while I did the Maisie book I intended to do, but it just felt like one more way of copping out and Norman, The Flying Squirrel, winning. Norman is not going to win this battle. But then what?
I believe it has been the anxiety and struggle and pressure over doing all of this that made me sick, it is a “nervous disease” but it’s no joke. I’ve lost nearly 10 pounds in less than a week. And I am so tired. And I am so afraid.
And honestly, and I am not good at asking this, I feel embarrassed and afraid, but if you would like to support me in this, the battle of a lifetime, getting this work done and out into the world, if you would consider becoming a Patron at Patreon — you can join for as little as $5 a month — or would like to leave a tip in the tip jar at the bottom of the right column here on this site, it would help me so much. I need the money, but also the showing of support helps lift me up and keep me going in ways I just cannot explain. I am working very, very hard and I will continue to but financial support is becoming more and more crucial. As a disabled senior citizen living on social security the help from Patrons and anyone who leaves a tip, which rarely happens, Patreon seems to be the best way, is helping me keep going.
Thank you so much for being here, and listening, and I would love to hear your input about what you think would be the best way to approach this work. I’ve been really suffering and struggling and it’s hard for me to see clearly right now. Your input would be such a big help.
My heartfelt love to everyone. I will continue on, as I always do, but right now I’m not really well, and I’m tired and sad. The struggle is real, but I intend to win.
