It has been a very hard time. Most of you have followed me and know that the last 2 years have been fraught with mobility issues because of my badly disabled feet, leading to me having to get a “Fall Pendant” that I can never take off because I have fallen so often. The pendant can and has enabled me to signal for help and the EMT’s have been lovely when they have come to help me. But nearly 3 months ago I took a bad fall in my kitchen right on my left knee. (This is my weaker leg since falling in October, a little over a year ago, and spraining my foot and ankle and tearing ligaments. Now that ankle just wants to buckle and down I go and I have taken bad falls on that knee 3 times in the last year.) After this last fall my doctor ordered in-home physical therapy for me which I had for just over 2 months and many good things came of that. I now have a rollator walker with a seat and it has helped enormously. Changes had to be made in my house — a new step put in because the one step up from my garage into my laundry room was a very steep step and I could barely make it up and down anymore. And grab bars were put on both levels around that step and in my bathroom. It has made things worlds easier for me, but still, even with physical therapy I was in a lot of pain, and after 2 months of PT my knee and leg were getting worse, the pain nearly unbearable. Megan, my lovely physical therapist, was so concerned she arranged for a Mobile Doppler Unit to come to my house and do an ultrasound on my leg since I had had a serious blood clot from my groin to my ankle 3 years ago.

That was the beginning of an awful couple of weeks. A nurse called the night of the Doppler visit to say that it looked like I did indeed have a blood clot in my leg and needed to go to the ER IMMEDIATELY! My daughter Rachel and son-in-law Jeremy came over and picked me up and got me right to the hospital. What a terrible night that was. My dear daughter, who is 7 months pregnant, stayed with me from 7:30 until nearly 2 a.m. They did ultrasounds, x-rays, blood work, and a whole host of other things. The blood clot is serious and I was immediately put on blood thinners and a limited course of pain pills because the pain was just excruciating. The pain pills that I took for a few days helped and then I switched to Tylenol which helped some but the pain was getting worse and I was really afraid. I had 2 telehealth appointments online with my doctor and went in to see her in person on Monday. Thank God my dear Rachel was with me.

We ended up at the doctor for 3 1/2 hours where I was examined and multiple things checked and the long and the short of it is my case is baffling because I fell nearly 3 months ago, and a blood clot, even though very serious, usually does not have this kind of pain with it. My doctor made referrals to both an Orthopedic Surgeon and a Hemotologist. The former because my doctor thinks I hurt my knee much worse than I thought I did when I fell, that it is a soft tissue issue and I will need an MRI to determine the damage to soft tissue, and the Hemotologist to assess whether or not I will have to be on blood thinners for life which comes with it’s own set of issues but 2 serious blood clots in 3 years is not a good thing. The problem is that on ongoing blood thinners, and since I’m fall prone and if I fall I could bleed seriously, internally or externally. One thing has to be weighed against the other.

When I went to the doctor on Monday she ordered another several days of Oxycodone, only 5 mg to be taken along with Tylenol. That way I don’t get dopey from the medication but it helps a lot with the pain. I am very leary of any kind of medication that might make me woozy, hence more fall prone, and another fall is exactly what I DON’T need right now. Currently I am resting, taking my medication, and pretty much overwhelmed and afraid about the whole thing while I wait for the appointments with the specialists to be scheduled.

I have been numb. Over the last couple of years with my disabilities getting worse and worse I have had to let go of so many things in my life that I loved it has been heartbreaking. It is part of growing older for many, in one way or another, but I have always been an avid gardener with large cottage gardens and finally, after the EMT had to come and get me up from lying in the dirt unable to get up in July, it became clear that I would no longer be able to garden. That broke my heart, and there were so many other things, the worst of which is that in January my 5th grandchild will be born and while I have been able to carry my 4 other grandchildren or babysit or help out, I will not be able to even hold my new grandchild except sitting down in a chair because my fall risk is so serious I could fall with the baby and of course I wouldn’t risk that, but it was a terrible blow. I have been so devastated with loss after loss coming so quickly, and then the result of the falls, terrible and increasing pain and more, has left me simply lost. What does one do at this age and stage of life when so much that one loves falls away, and the pain is constant?

Well, simply put, one does what they can. One comes, over time, to acceptance, to doing, with diligence, everything one can do to take the best care of themselves they possibly can. And the physical therapy, stopped because of my current situation, will begin again once what is wrong with me is figured out and dealt with. And I can still write and draw, and paint and make all kinds of art, when I have the energy. I am doing everything I possibly can and I will continue to do so. I am working on an illustrated book and by gosh and by golly I will get it done. The support from my Patrons at Patreon have helped me enormously, I simply don’t know what I would do without them, and them just being there helps and encourages me to do what I can each day through this trying period. I write and draw a little each day. Feeling some kind of forward movement, even just inching along (Snails are passing me on the road of life!) is important. Also important is doing these things so that I don’t feel like all I am is an old lady with a basket full of disabilities and mental health challenges. I am a lifelong writer for over 50 years. I am an artist. There are many things I can do. I must keep my attention focused on these things and I am and I will.

What I have learned in these last couple of weeks is that perhaps the most important thing of all is to create an environment in which I feel safe, as comfortable as possible, where I let go of absolutely everything that is stress producing, and causes me to be more fearful. I have found that it is nearly painful to have to talk on the phone. I appreciate people’s loving care so much, but I had to finally write one email to send to a number of people that I haven’t been able to answer to apologize and explain what is going on and that I just don’t have the energy to answer. A very dear friend has had her feelings hurt because she has called twice and I just can’t talk on the phone. I need it to be very quiet. I am and have always been someone who needed a lot of quiet, I have lived for 25 years in a state of solitude and silence because I need it for my mental health, but now I need it more than ever just to be able to manage getting through the day. You know The Spoon Theory? One phone call can take nearly all the spoons I have for the day! It’s that serious. I use my energy for writing and making art because it helps me feel better, and to manage the few essential household tasks that I can. I do my best to communicate with my Patrons at Patreon because their supporting me is helping me to survive on so many levels. Living only on social security and only having medicare for insurance means all the medical bills I have now and will have is positively terrifying. So my commitment, other than to my personal and household needs, is to my Patrons, as a group. I need the support so badly and I will do everything that I am able to do to serve my Patrons.

Finally, it came to me that creating a life that is cozy, calm, and quiet is the best way for me to live my way through the days and to heal. A day when I don’t have to leave the house for a doctor’s appointment and can just be here moving through the day gently, slowly, quietly, and calmly, is a day when I actually have a few more spoons to get things done here, even just sitting here drawing. I did the drawing at the top of this post to create an image to focus on. Having candles lit always, having the fireplace (on the computer, I’ve no energy to make a fire and tend it in my own fireplace) on all day as I draw and write and work here is so soothing. Wrapping myself in soft shawls and wearing soft cozy socks, reading, and always snuggling my Molly who sleeps with me and snuggles in my lap. These are the things I am focusing on now. A life of slow living, living by the Danish concept of hygge, these are the things I need, the life I am building for myself as I move forward through a long healing period and find a gentle way to move forward from here in my life. These are the things I am claiming for myself now.

And I think all of these things are important for all of us, especially now. The holidays, while something I love, takes so much energy (no spoons left ever!) and causes so much stress. I feel, somedays, (and this is when I am not hurt or in pain, this is, for me, living with my mental health issues — agoraphobia, bipolar disorder, serious PTSD, anxiety and depression.) like I just don’t know how I will make it. But I do, and I do because I am vigilant about self-care. I am not afraid to say No (lovingly) because not taking care of myself so I can please another is not good for anyone. I have to work very hard to be well, and I take this tending of my well-being very seriously. I hope you will too dear one.

I want you to know that I am sending you so much love, and I love hearing from you even if I can’t respond right now, and if you would like to join Patreon to support me to write my book (You can join for as little as $5 a month and it makes my life here possible) and make it through this very difficult time I would appreciate it so much.

I am holding each of you in my heart and prayers. I am wishing for you the most beautiful, peaceful holiday season and that you will practice exquisite self care during these often stressful days and always. What one thing can you do for yourself today to begin a practice of “cozy, calm and quiet?” Let us enjoy these days through taking very gentle care of ourselves, and move into the new year ahead having created a life that will bring a sense of well-being to our days. From that place more is possible than before.

Take gentle care my loves, always and always…