Where to begin?

If you have been following me for awhile you know that the last 2 years of my life have been filled with crushing blows, one after the other, becoming increasingly disabled and more, and then recently being without glasses for nearly 6 weeks. It has been a really hard time. But all throughout I never stopped making my wonky art. But somehow or other the joy had gone out of it and I felt lost and kept getting stuck and I couldn’t figure out why.

Then, the last couple of weeks I have been working very hard on a new kind of painting I hoped to sell, more Folk Artish. But the thing is, I never felt the comfort, the joy, that I felt for 5 years starting back in 2013 drawing and painting my “100 Ladies.” The Ladies were surely wonky and cattywompus and I didn’t even know the term “Outsider Art” then, but the more I’ve gotten to know about it the more I think it fits.

I even realize that as much as I loved doing Maisie it wasn’t what came naturally to me. Oh I loved her dearly and always will paint very colorful paintings with lots of detail, but I am going to let myself fly free in the painting of them. My world has shrunk to the size of a peanut, it is very hard for me to even walk around my house, but when I am making art I am full to bursting with joy, over the moon with such happiness, and it is now, finally, that I realize the “100 Ladies” were not “less than” Maisie who looked like much better art to me so I tried so hard for so long but finally the joy went out of it. I had to work too hard to be something I was not, or at least something I didn’t enjoy doing anymore. Today I opened up my sketchbook and just made art all day. Messy, messy art as you will see, but I broke through to the joy I had lost. I came home to who I am and the work I am meant to do. My lopsided, cattywompus. not quite right but not wrong either, way of making art. And one day I will make art to sell but now I’m just playing.

And the thing is I like to have YouTube videos of my favorite artists on to listen to while I draw and paint. My very favorite of all is Sandi Hester whose YouTube Channel, Bits Of An Artist’s Life, is just amazing. She puts out a new video every Friday and there are a lot of them now on her channel. I like to go back to the oldest and then just let them keep playing for hours. I’ve learned so much from her about being looser with my art, but something she said in one of her videos today struck me. She said, and I am likely paraphasing badly! (Sorry Sandi!) that new artist’s immediately pair these two things together — Make Art/Sell Art — but that you shouldn’t do that. That you should just paint and play for the fun and joy of it. One day you can sell your work, but in the beginning you should just play. And that’s not what I was doing.

I was working so hard trying to produce sellable art, I was working all hours of the day and night and making myself crazy which does not help my bipolary bits and parts ONE BIT! A few days ago I had what I call a Bipolar crash. I was trying too hard and I just wasn’t having any fun.

And then today I opened my sketch book with no intention other than to just have fun and play and do whatever came to me in the moment and — Lord have mercy I think you could have heard my sigh of relief around the world — I just lost myself in drawing. I was giggling at some bits, like this one called “When Molly Smiles.”

And so now my day is done. It is just past 9 p.m. and it has been the happiest, most restorative day I have had in some time. I cannot thank my Patrons at Patreon enough for their support which, through terribly difficult times, has made it possible for me to do my work and make my way through life a little easier. God bless them all.

Happy Trails everyone, do what makes your heart sing, it will heal every little bitty part of you.

Love, always and always…