In the last few years of my life there have been so many changes in my state of being that I have been lost in a tangle of emotions and feelings. The last few weeks have been particularly hard. Finally, after one of those times that feels like “a nosedive into nothingness,” I woke up. I woke up to the intense need for a simpler life and way of being. What will ultimately happen to me in my life, what will ultimately happen in the world, is nothing I have control over. I drew a line in the sand and stepped over it. I made a cup of tea, and suddenly I remembered.

In 2005 I had a very unique experience. A lovely little independent tea company, whose teas I had been buying for some time, their proprietary blends being simply exquisite and the best I’d ever had, asked me about doing a trade with them. If I would write about their teas (I had told them I was working on a tea book) they would supply me with tea. And supply me they did. Several kinds of tea every month. And I learned more about tea, all the types of tea, brewing methods, the Japanese tea ceremony which I had studied with Zen teachers, and more. I proceeded to write a beautiful little book, and while they loved it by the time I finished the book their small company had gone out of business.

At the time I considered publishing the book but because every chapter had a review of one of their specific teas (and by this time tea companies from all over the world were sending me wonderful teas for inclusion in an expanded book) I couldn’t figure out how to do it without them. After numerous attempts I gave up because I would have to redact all of the now defunct company’s proprietary teas and every attempt at doing so felt like the book was collapsing on itself.

And then today I stood in my kitchen, that sense of overwhelm about my life and myriad things in it melted away as I put the kettle on, measured out the leaves of my beloved Lapsang Souchong tea, made a tray for my little jade green vintage Japanese tea pot and cup, and carried it into the studio. I sat down and the warm cup in my hands, the fragrance of the tea, well, it carried me back to that little book. I went to my files and pulled up the book and tears filled my eyes as I began to read. This book does deserve publishing, there is a way to redact the old company’s proprietary teas, and what is left is a lovely little book on the philosophy of tea, tea life, tea as a spiritual practice, and tea as a way to sanity and living more simply in the world.

I am working on a much bigger book now and it will take some time to write, this will be a side project that I will publish on Amazon. I am in serious need of even a little increase in income and this could be a way to help me live and get my bigger works and art done. Also, my dear Patrons at Patreon have literally saved me in more ways than I can tell you. If you would like to be a Patron to support this work and help me live my life here at Dragonfly Cottage, I would be deeply grateful.

Sitting here with my tea I began to think of all of the ways I have complicated my life. Take for example my recently having taken up Julia Cameron’s “Morning Pages.” I must be the last person on the planet to have tried M.P. which I had never done because I myself taught a very healing journal writing class for 40 or so years. I had my own practice and way of doing things. But I have long since stopped teaching and my practice fell away. Because I wanted to start a practice that would be a warm-up for my writing everyday I tried Morning Pages, and I really enjoyed doing them, but at nearly 68 (on the 30th of this month) and having taught for so long, I quickly fell into writing as I always have in my journals and those “3 pages” Cameron espouses one must write every day quickly turned into 7 or 8 or 10 pages. After having filled an entire notebook with M.P. I am stopping doing them because I wrote so much there there was no energy and nothing left to say for my own daily diary, and I was having a hard time working on the book because I had already done so much writing. Hence (And I am handwriting the first draft of this book in a huge 820 page notebook which I have shared and will be sharing more about my process with my Patrons) I am going to do my own version of a practice tailored for someone writing a book. I will start in my big book…

… which I covered with a Matisse painting from a very old book of Matisse’s paintings purchased in a used bookstore long ago. The notebook I bought years ago and never really used, so daunted was I by the size, but now I am loving it. It is called “The Big Huge Notebook” and comes in a whole lot of gorgeous colors on Amazon. Mine was half the price of them now, but still worth the price (820 pages!). I will tell you they are perfect for writing and a little drawing or sketching but would not work for wet media. The pages are too thin for that.

So I have begun a new practice that I do right in the book I am writing my book in called “Warm-Up,” and I need not do any certain number of pages and it will not be outside matters, just thoughts about the book, a warmup for the writing ahead. My “daily thoughts” about life here I will go back to jotting down in my Moleskine page a day diary but that will come at some point later on so as not to impede my book writing. It has made things so much simpler and clearer.

I am, now, as if standing at the center of my life and moving very, very slowly around in a circle, looking at every conceivable aspect of my life. I am eliminating, cutting back, rooting out anything and everything that complicates my life in any way, or makes me feel stressed or overwhelmed. I am seriously physically disabled now in constant pain and I will take the best care of myself that I possibly can all the while looking for things that need eliminating that cause undue stress and make the pain worse. I am learning more and more to say, even to those I dearly love, “No, I’m sorry, I’m just not able to…” I am finding it very hard to talk to anyone, even dearly loved friends, via phone or text, outside of my children and my therapist because it just takes too much psychic energy. I no longer allow the word selfish in my vocabulary. I am not being selfish, I am practicing radical self care, and if I am going to use the time I have left on this earth in as physically and mentally healthy a state as possible I have to let more things go than I ever imagined I would have to. It all goes back to The Spoon Theory that I have written about many times. One phone call with a friend can knock me out for hours. It makes me feel sad, but it is also self-preservation.

I am using what energy I have to be a mother and a grandmother, do my writing and art, and I am dedicated to my Patrons and spending much less time on social media. The race to “keep up” and do bigger and better things all the time is something I just don’t have the energy for in my life now. Spoons, dontcha know. Social media takes a LOT of spoons!

I miss talking to people that I used to talk to regulary, but instead I am doing very slow, quiet things, like indoor gardening on a very tiny scale with inexpensive plant lights I have bought 1 at a time (I have 3, they were about $15 each on Amazon) over the last year or so. Right now I am about to plant three little pots of my much loved Nasty Ladies (My name for nasturtiums because they come in so many colors and remind me of can-can girls!). I am making cuttings of the plants I already have because there is no money for buying new plants. What with payment plans for medical bills and my Molly had a very expensive vet bill last week that nearly sunk me, there is just no discretionary income to buy the kind of things I used to. And yet, other than inexpensive art supplies and a few small things I am finding my very own cottage is a treasure trove. So many things (even art supplies) that I bought and never used. More books that I have bought over the years and never read, oy vey! that I can now read or reread old favorites. We learn to adjust and readjust, slowly, ever so slowly, and we find our way. We must be determined to find our way. What else and how else shall we live and tend to our “one wild and precious life” as the poet Mary Oliver wrote?

And so, in the end, it all comes down to this. When I have overcomplicated things without realizing it or meaning to and feel that enormous tidal wave of overwhelm coming at me, I stop. I make a cup of tea. I breathe. I close my eyes and hold my warm cup of tea in my hands and think of all the beautiful things I can possibly think of (these days usually my new tiny granddaughter, Sabine!), and often Molly is in my lap while I do, and I kiss her on the nose a lot. (Some days just holding and kissing Molly can yield an extra spoon or two!)

Be very kind to yourself and the world around you. Everyone is having such a hard time these days. Make yourself a cup of tea (I realize not everyone is a tea drinker, think of tea as a metaphor and establish some other soothing practice or beverage that brings you back to yourself and calms and centers you.), learn to say No, without regret, if you need to, don’t overbook yourself. Life is too short for that and you will pay a price. Make space for space, and simplify, simplify, simplify in every way you can. Guard your spoons carefully, and allow people, with much grace and love, and blessing them as they go, if they decide they no longer want to be part of this changed and changing life of yours, to go. Love them always, and understand. We are all doing the very best we can.

I will finish my tea now. And I am sending you so much love, even if I am not able to talk to you just now, or answer emails (talk about spoon eaters!), know that I am thinking of you and loving you and holding you in my heart. You still matter to me, I am simply only able to manage these things in a different way now.

Amor Fati, Love What Is, and may all beings everywhere be blessed…