Well, it was the Cheshire Cat in Alice in Wonderland who said it, and I’ve never forgotten it…

“But I don’t want to go among mad people,” Alice remarked. “Oh, you can’t help that,” said the Cat: “we’re all mad here.”

And the older I get, the more I am coming to understand and embrace that.

I can’t tell you how much of my life I’ve spent NOT writing things that I feared would make me look as mad as a “hatter,” and still I think I’ve sounded less than sane in a lot of what I’ve written. But of late, as I’m working on a book that I believe is the most important thing I’ve ever done, I’ve come to realize that if I can’t tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, then nothing I say has any validity at all. I shall have to follow the dictum of poet Allen Ginsberg who said…

“Follow your inner moonlight; don’t hide the madness.”

I’m going to tell it all, and the really crazy parts are the ones dearest to my heart, because when I have struggled the hardest, been caught in the darkest places, survived suicidal ideation and a handful of suicide attempts, and then lived an unconventional life that no one has yet understood, some of whom have been drawn to me because of who I am, and almost without exception they went running for the hills when they got to be up close and personal with the human I am for any length of time. I can’t say that I blame them, but it’s why I decided not to put myself through the torture of another relationship. I live like a hermit, not just because I am pretty severely agoraphobic, but because I am out of sync somehow or another with the world at large. I don’t fit. I never did. Not on the playground in gradeschool, or highschool, or all the years since. And it’s okay, it really is. I play well alone. And I am happiest here with my little dog and my parakeets and piles of books and making my funny little art and writing for hours on end.

Somehow or another I think in the last couple of years, most especially the last 6 months or so, when my body has begun to break down in a rather alarming way, I was jolted awake. I was forced to make choices I’d never imagined making, at the core of which has simply been the choice to live, to survive, and to make the best of what life has given me. Cattywompus and lopsided, physically disabled and with mental health challenges in all shapes and forms, I could give up on life entirely, or I could take a good look at what I still have, what I can still do, and what is possible for me now. Only in that way can I move forward with this life I have been given to live, for an uncertain number of years, but still with the determination of a bullfighter (I am a Taurus after all!) and the soft, giggling little girl who has always lived inside of me. She keeps me company a lot of the time.

One of my favorite quotes was by the late Robin Williams. He said, “You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.” In the end I think I cling to mine because, and it seems counterintuitive, it has saved me more times than I can tell you. When I’ve tried living in the world doing all the “right” things, the proper things, the things society expects and demands of people who want to be in inner circles of every sort, I crack. I can’t do it. And finally accepting that and stopping punishing myself has been the greatest freedom I have ever known.

I have very funny ways of looking at things, and I’ve hidden many of them because, well, they sounded, some of the things, more than a little crazy. For example trying to explain to people that my view of God and religion all just really comes down to what I call my “Kaleidoscope Theory.” I was raised Catholic, left the church, explored many religions and went to many churches, have been a student of Buddhism for more than 40 years and yet while I love the philosophy I just can’t grok it all and I surely am not going to sit in silent meditation for days on end (which is funny because I live very much alone in silence and solitude, but that’s a whole lot different than sitting on a cushion on a hard floor in a cold room at 3 a.m. in some monastery or other). I sit here in the morning meditating and praying with candles lit, crystals all around, Molly in my lap and good French Roast coffee next to me, no anchorite am I, but my form of spirituality (You know, like on the forms I check the box “spiritual, not religious.”) happens in relative comfort with my animal companions at my side, and as to the “Kaleidoscope Theory” my view is this. People overcomplicate religion, in my book, and the fact that countless people have died because they practiced a path that didn’t fit with the norms in the place and at the time, is both horrifying and ludicrous to me. I see it this way…

No matter who, or what, is up there, there’s only 1. There can be a thousand different paths in the world, practices, religions, but I see it this way. As we all “look up” to where we find holiness and “God” in our lives, it is like we are all holding the same kaleidoscope, but depending on where we are, in what culture or country we live, according to the faith practiced in our families of origin, we all see religion in myriad ways. We view it differently, we use different language around it, but we are all holding the same kaleidoscope looking at the same thing in my mind. A slight turn of the kaleidoscope causes us to see things differently, but we are all looking at the same thing. Must we fight wars, kill people, or ostracize others because they see what is holy to them in a different light? Same Kaleidoscope. Same God (I use the word God, you use your own word.) and some people don’t follow a spiritual path at all and yet are among the kindest, gentlest, most loving people I have ever known. Am I going to try to “convert” them? Convert them to what? They have found their way of being in this world and it’s none of my business. Perhaps if people let others be, let them live their lives as they see fit as long as they are loving and kind and don’t hurt others, and if we all mind our own business and concentrate on making the best that we can of our own lives I think we will all be just fine.

I absolutely know as I write this that there are horrors in the world and things that are unbearable, from viruses that seem to have no end to racism, sexism, wars, school shootings and all the rest, but I have to tell you the only way I can handle those things is by praying every single day for all of the people in danger, at risk, or suffering in any way. My own mental health cannot withstand constant watching of the news or long conversations about all the terrifying things in the world. I’m on several medications just so I can even get up in the morning, and in addition to managing my mental health now I am on meds for my body’s difficulties and chronic pain. I do not, in any way, shape, or form turn a blind eye to the sadness in the world, I do what I can do. I pray. I try to send loving kindness to others through my work. I am here to tell others that they are okay just as they are, and I share my oddities and idiosyncracies with others in the hope that they will feel less alone.

And so on I go, to tell my stories, and share my art, to shyly step forward and share my point of view about things, not from the perspective of my point of view being the right one, just the one that is mine. There is much more to say but I’m an old lady and it’s late and I’m tired.

I am sending so much love to each and every one of you. I am praying that you be kind to yourself and gentle with others. I am hoping that you will find a way to be at peace with yourself, just as you are, and share your beautiful self with all of us, and I am hoping that people find a way to be open and receive the stories they hear with kindness. They don’t have to believe them, or like them, or understand them, but if we can all understand that being a human being on “Schoolroom Earth” is just about the hardest thing there is, then being kind and compassionate to others it the highest “spiritual path” there can be.

I’m trying my best. Will you join me? We can do this.