Today I posted the above 3 pictures on Instagram and Facebook. Here is what I wrote with the pictures…
” I woke up this morning really scared again, and overwhelmed and sad. I couldn’t figure out what to do or how to do it. And then I looked at the little package of tiny notebooks I bought on amazon before Christmas— 10 – 120 page (60 sheets so I’m calling it 60 pages because my markers bleed through) — 4×5.5” notesbooks for $15. I am calling this The Tiny Notebook Adventure. I hope to fill all 10 this year or maybe this month or maybe I’ll fill 100. There are no set rules. 1 page a day or 10, it doesn’t matter. I just have to do something every day so I have something to hold onto, somewhere to go. Living with mental illness is hard, being scared all the time is hard. I’m just going to spend the year filling tiny little notebooks and see if I can figure out how to hold on and live my best life. The adventure begins here…”
📙💕🖊
#thetinynotebookadventure #imscared #livingwithmentalillness
#artsaveslives #writingsaveslives #onedayatatime #norules #nopressure
It is simply a way in. No grand gestures, no big promises. I am fighting right now to get hold of myself and to find a balance. I’m not having a very easy time of it. Something happened a few weeks back that broke my heart, and, having had plans for what I would be doing after the holidays, the situation caused ripples that could go through the rest of my life. I am so crushed, so sad, so heartbroken, I can’t seem to get a grip, it has paralyzed me, and to do anything at all beyond moving through the hours through the day, one after the other, sometimes minute by minute, is all I am managing. And so I thought of these tiny notebooks. The pages are so small I could write something, anything, very brief. It’s not about “making art” at all, it is simply a statement that says, “I’m still here, I’m making it.” I am shattered and I can’t stop crying.
I can’t say what it is because it involves other people and I don’t do that, suffice it to say it is a big issue and not a one time thing. A one time thing you can make sense of and deal with and let go of. When a situation has occurred that has presented itself as an ongoing thing for the rest of your life, it’s a whole different matter.
But life must go on. God knows I’m trying my best.
On another note I went back to rereading the book I wrote for 40 days in November and December. After the holidays I had started to read it, got half way through, and gave up. I completely lost confidence in myself. If your days, like mine, are much the same, and you are writing a journal of sorts of your life and days, so much, too much, felt redundant. On careful rereading I am not feeling that there is anything I can’t publish for fear it will cause pain or be problematic, but I want, I hoped, it would have value for others, like me, who suffer and struggle (for whatever reasons) and yet are deteremined to carry on. As I picked up rereading today I was surprised how much I really liked, and felt might be worthwhile, have some value. I will finish reading it tonight or tomorrow — it was just a first read through with only light editing and corrections, I didn’t want to start chopping it up until I could really see what I had, but I believe there is something there, even if I have to take what I feel is the best of it and use it to write a different book. There is truth there, some hard truths, a lot of things people never say outloud, dealing with mental illness and medication, dealing with the long term affects of long-term childhood abuse all the way through the adult age into our later life, and there’s living with animals and making gardens and lovely things too. There is something there. I just haven’t figured it out yet, but I will.
Right now, today, I am limping along with a broken heart.
Could I ask for your prayers and positive energy? That would help a lot.
And even in the midst of it all I am still working on my Patreon page which I both want to do, and need to do, and am seeing now that I could inch into it slowly, very slowly, and just open 2 or 3 basic levels, and grow it from there. I need the money, I want to share my work, and I want to reach out to all of you. I am in the midst of trying to figure out so much.
For now I am sipping a cup of tea, and trying to figure out big solutions to hard questions for which there may be no answer. I guess I’ll just have another cup of tea and scribble something in my tiny notebook. For now, that will do…
Dear Maitri, I am so sorry that you are suffering so much. I will pray, I do pray for you each night. Dear love, take it easy, be kind to your suffering heart. Listen, the answers will come in their own good time, these decisions cannot be rushed. Sending a hand to hold and gentle hugs from across the pond.
Prayers and love 🙏❤🐕
Thank you so much dear Sue, your kind words mean so much to me. It was a hard day, it’s been a hard time, but this, too, shall pass. That’s life isn’t it? The current of life flows on and on, and things change unexpectedly moment to moment. I am thinking that will be the case now as well.
And its nice to have a hand to hold. That is so dear of you. I’m going to turn out the lights in the studio and get ready for bed. Another day is done. May tomorrow be brighter for us all…
Hugs,
Maitri
Dear Maitri,
My prayers have been sent up for your peace, joy, comfort, and healing. You are so hard on yourself. I love how you hang in there, though, and don’t give up. I want to tell you that I emulate you some times. That August Tea that you were telling us about a couple of weeks ago, I bought some because I figured if you liked it, I would too!
You are a lovely person and I admire your gifts and talents so much. I bring my own gifts to our friendship and it’s nice to have folks one can be true with. Hugs, Memarge:)
Oh lovely dear Marge, thank you so much… for your prayers, for your kindness, for everything. And I hope you enjoy the teas as much as I do. I buy the little $2.99 sample packages to try the flavors and then wait for sales if I fall in love with one to get a bigger bag and amazingly you can infuse the leaves 2 or 3 times (they say) which depends on your preferences. I can get a good 2nd brew but the 3rd is too weak for my tastes. But I swear it’s the best tea I’ve ever had.
And you have so many gifts dearheart, thank you for sharing them with me…
Hugs, Maitri
oh my, life is so full of ups and downs. but then, there is a tiny notebook. and a rose.
and a darling dog. and the sun comes up. i know you will triumph over every adversity because you have done this so many times, uncountable times. but it’s ok to be scared and hurting too. everything is part of our human travails and joys. and it can all fit in those tiny notebooks. infinitely expandable, your words, your art, your sharing with us. sending big hugs honey xo ka
Thank you so much sweet Katya, my darling friend…
Yes, I will always hold on, I will always rise above, because I must, as we all must, but some days… well, some days, or periods of time, are harder than others and this has been one. But I wrote something in my tiny notebook this morning, and Molly is in my lap, and the sun is shining, and many birds are coming to the feeders. So many blessings, always, despite everything, right?
I love you sweet pea, so much…
M. xoxox