The Days, The Hours, The Moments: Day 218 ~ Life Flows On, and A Sense Of Settling Inside Myself…

What a relief to wake up to more energy, more clarity, more drive to move through the day getting things done. Mind, I didn’t exactly set the world on fire but I got really important garden tasks done, and some important business calls, and quite a bit of painting, even whiting out and redoing a couple of areas which was scary but it felt so good to do it and I am much happier with those areas now. And as I paint I am writing the story in my head, and I found myself smiling while I painted, Molly snuggled in my lap, because this whole world becomes more enchanting by the day to me. I still have a long way to go with this painting but the central piece, the picnic, is done. And on I go.

It is such a strange thing, to have been in, as my dear friend Katya said in her comment after yesterday’s post, “…a soft out of focus trance…” That’s exactly how it felt. It was as if everything in my body let go, and had to go into almost an out of body state. Today I had a very real sensation that I was settling back into my body and life was picking up again, kind of like if you were watching a picture, almost in slow motion, slowly grind to a halt, and then, again, in very slow motion start moving again picking up tempo gradually until I was moving at a pace that was a fast as my body would allow, for today.

To be human is a curious and wondrous thing, if we are very sensitive and aware, to feel how our body, in amazing ways, flows into and out of the world around us. It really gives one a sense of that almost unexplainable phenomenon I have read about years ago wherein we are all, seemingly, part of the same world, and yet all leading parallel lives. It was as if yesterday I simply opted out of life, not in a negative way but in a way where my body knew what it needed to readjust and be okay and I just “stepped out of the picture” or off the merryground” for awhile. I think that this is something that happens to all of us all of the time but it is usually so subtle, or we are not wholly awake and aware enough to really see what’s happening.

This is one of those times when I know what I mean, but don’t rightly know how to express it. I will be thinking about this for a long while to come.

I am living, these days, in what feels like an alternate reality. This week I talked to the man who manages my meds on Monday and to my therapist on Wednesday. They both told me (their words) that the work I am doing is amazing, and all the more so because of how I’m doing it which is unfolding in ways heretofore unimaginable to me. Imagine this…

Sometimes what you see in Maisie’s world may have a very real correlation to my own, like how her dog Daisy is my Molly’s alter-ego. Some things you see do really exist in my world and a great many do not, they are bits and parts and pieces and sometimes magical, fantastical beings that are necessary to tell the story.

And even more, and this has just come to me which is what the practitioners I work with were referring to as “amazing.” When you look at the painting above, what is real and what is imaginary? What is fantasy that perhaps Maisie has created to live happily, and with a sense of wonder, and more important as a way to heal herself, and what is real (in her world)? There are many mysteries unfolding, it is very exciting, and in the end only I will know the answers. I want people to just read the story, really look at the pictures, and see what it calls up for them.

So yes, I am back to work today, and the wheels are turning. It feels good to have re-entered my body, but when I do need to be quiet for a day or two and rest I have realized that it is so essential because while I am sleeping or resting or “not doing anything” I am actually doing more than I realized, fathoms deep, in the unconscious, subconscious world where all the real magic happens.

Today, at a particularly blissful moment when I got through a pile of work in 2 or 3 hours that I thought could take me a week or two to do, and then got deep into painting, I had this gloriously odd feeling that a magic fairy whisked through and touched me lightly with her magic wand and as she was disappearing she said, “Now you get to lead your happiest life ever.” That’s what today felt like. And it made me giddy like a little girl. It made me happy.

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