Embracing The Fallow Times…

Like the soil, the mind is fertilized while it lies fallow, until a new burst of bloom ensues. – John Dewey

Oh my dear friends, it has been too long since I’ve written, so much has happened, and there were many lessons to learn, my life needed to be examined and realigned, I have been afraid, sad, depressed, and overwhelmed. Just days after I wrote the post about gardening I had a mishap in the garden requiring me to use my “Fall Pendant” that I must always wear to call for emergency help. The EMT’s had to come help me get up and back into the house. I was in shock, fortunately not really hurt but I just couldn’t get up. My feet are so disabled that if I fall or am on the ground they simply will not push me up at all and I sat in the dirt and cried, afraid, embarrassed, humiliated, and hit with the realization that what I had just written about being an old lady ambling about the garden was about to change dramatically. I will never be able to garden again as I always have. And in the days that followed I had to come to terms with a series of losses, things that I cannot ever do again. I had to fully accept and understand that I am more disabled than I ever realized (or wanted to realize?) but now there is no doubt.

For a few days I was a little worse for the wear physically from simply struggling to try to get up, but, as I said, physically I had not been really hurt, mentally, however, was another matter. At 67 my whole view of my life changed, and some things that are very important to me I can no longer do. Living with mental health issues is challenging in the best of times but I plummeted into a kind of depression and despair I could not pull myself out of. My medications were changed, my therapist has been wonderful as has my family, but this is something I have had to come to terms with inside myself. And everyone around me, ever so dear, were quick to tell me that I should focus on the things I could do instead of what I couldn’t. Well of course that is absolutely what one must do, but first… first one has to have time, to be allowed to have time, to grieve the losses, and there are some I just cannot write about here right now. Suffice it to say there have been some that cut very deep and which I am having a very difficult time coming to terms with. I will, I must, but it is a process. My therapist agreed and encouraged me to take the time I need to move through this phase. This is part of aging, the things that we lose, the things that we can no longer do. Some people are very vital and active physically well into very old age and that is wonderful. For some of us, however, that is not the case. This does not mean we cannot have very full and rich lives, but there is a transition to go through, and as I wrote above, a time of re-imagining our lives and how we will move forward and this I will surely do. But it has been a time in which I have had to be very quiet and recover, somewhat physically, mostly mentally and emotionally. I am an advocate of “aging with grace,” and now I must walk my talk. I will age with as much grace as I can muster.

I don’t consider 67 old, and while I have limitations, a few more than I had wanted to accept, there is indeed much I can still do. I can move about the garden still, very slowly and carefully, but I cannot do the things that I have always done and I will need help. I am lucky to have a wonderful woman who can come once in awhile to help with the things I cannot do. And I can make art, I can write my book, and here, and do many things in the house, and these things bring me great happiness. Desmond Tutu wrote, “We are fragile creatures, and it is from this weakness, not despite it, that we discover the possibility of true joy.” Joy is still possible in old age, despite limitations, and losses, much is still possible. Right now I am finding my way back to joy. And I have begun to see these quiet days of healing and contemplation as a fallow time, and this is not a negative. Bent Saether wrote, “you go through fallow periods and blooming ones.” I am in a fallow period, but the blooming time will soon return, I can feel it coming, but it will not come until I have processed all that I must.

I came across a quote a few days ago that made me smile. Wally Lamb wrote, “You’re just catching me during one of my fallow periods, that’s all. One of my compost years. I’m expecting a creative leap pretty soon now.” I suppose I am composting! I surely hope this is the case. I have been trying to write this blog post for a week and every time I tried I looked at the blank page and cried. The one thing I have always been able to do, since I was a very little girl who was saved by scribbling in her little notebook during frightening childhood times, is write. When I looked at the blank page and could find no words I was beyond lost. I didn’t know who I was any more or what it meant. Tonight I told myself I had to write this blog post before I went to bed. It’s taken me all day to get up the courage to do so. It is now past 11 p.m. as I write these words but I am writing them, and in this moment something in me is changing, a turning point has been reached, I believe. There will be no grand leaps forward, but even very slow forward motion is something and I’ll take it.

Something that has moved me forward is a beautiful quote by Georg Brandes. He wrote “A love for humanity came over me, and watered and fertilised the fields of my inner world which had been lying fallow, and this love of humanity vented itself in a vast compassion.” In 2005 I took the name Maitri Libellule legally. Maitri is the Buddhist teaching of loving-kindness and compassion. I took the name to always remind myself that that is what I wanted my life and my work to be about, to spread loving-kindness and compassion through my writing to the world, to try to reach, and touch, and help others who were struggling, or lost, or alone, who perhaps struggled with mental illness as I have, and now, as I grow older, for those who need to realize their value and worth despite whatever losses old age might bring. Libellule is Dragonfly in French. The Dragonfly has long been my totem animal, and as I am more than half French, and my biological grandmother’s maiden name was Papillon, Butterfly in French, there was a family tie in my mind. And the Dragonfly, as totem, leads us out of the darkness and into the light. Tonight, teetering on the brink of despair, feeling lost, and lonely, and sad, I pulled an oracle card and was at first startled that the card I pulled was the Dragonfly card. And then I thought, well, of course. The message on the card was “I always trust the direction of the universe and know I’m being guided.” And so I am. Out of the darkness and into the light, I will spin the straw of my being into the gold that comes with these later years, and I will use my writing to spread loving-kindness and compassion which has long been my mission and deep desire. Yes, there is still much that I can do.

Finally I want to end with a quote that touched me so deeply it brought me to tears. Dan Gemeinhart, in The Remarkable Journey of Coyote Sunrise wrote “Maybe we’re all a little broken. Maybe we’re all a little fragile. Maybe that’s why we need each other so much.” We do need each other. I will be here for you through my writings, through all of my work, and I want to deeply thank those who have been helping me move through this difficult time with so much love and support, my family and friends, my therapist, and a very special thank you to my Patrons at Patreon. They are supporting me to help me bring my work to the world and their love and encouragement as well as financial support has given me a reason to hold on, to believe that more is possible, and even, some days, to get up in the morning. This means more to me than I know how to express, and I thank these beautiful women, and all who have helped me, and been here for me, from the bottom of my heart.

I am sending each of you so much love, and a gentle warm hug, and know that you are not alone if you are reading this. You can write to me here in the comments and I will answer you, or if you would like to join our Patreon community where I write to my Patrons several times a week I would be honored to have you there. My message here on this blog for nearly 15 years now has always been this, “Each one, reach one, and love, always love.” It is the deepest thing I know, and I believe it, and try to live it each day, with my whole heart and being. I shall continue to do so, come what may.