It has been a very hard time. Most of you have followed me and know that the last 2 years have been fraught with mobility issues because of my badly disabled feet, leading to me having to get a “Fall Pendant” that I can never take off because I have fallen so often. The pendant can and has enabled me to signal for help and the EMT’s have been lovely when they have come to help me. But nearly 3 months ago I took a bad fall in my kitchen right on my left knee. (This is my weaker leg since falling in October, a little over a year ago, and spraining my foot and ankle and tearing ligaments. Now that ankle just wants to buckle and down I go and I have taken bad falls on that knee 3 times in the last year.) After this last fall my doctor ordered in-home physical therapy for me which I had for just over 2 months and many good things came of that. I now have a rollator walker with a seat and it has helped enormously. Changes had to be made in my house — a new step put in because the one step up from my garage into my laundry room was a very steep step and I could barely make it up and down anymore. And grab bars were put on both levels around that step and in my bathroom. It has made things worlds easier for me, but still, even with physical therapy I was in a lot of pain, and after 2 months of PT my knee and leg were getting worse, the pain nearly unbearable. Megan, my lovely physical therapist, was so concerned she arranged for a Mobile Doppler Unit to come to my house and do an ultrasound on my leg since I had had a serious blood clot from my groin to my ankle 3 years ago.
That was the beginning of an awful couple of weeks. A nurse called the night of the Doppler visit to say that it looked like I did indeed have a blood clot in my leg and needed to go to the ER IMMEDIATELY! My daughter Rachel and son-in-law Jeremy came over and picked me up and got me right to the hospital. What a terrible night that was. My dear daughter, who is 7 months pregnant, stayed with me from 7:30 until nearly 2 a.m. They did ultrasounds, x-rays, blood work, and a whole host of other things. The blood clot is serious and I was immediately put on blood thinners and a limited course of pain pills because the pain was just excruciating. The pain pills that I took for a few days helped and then I switched to Tylenol which helped some but the pain was getting worse and I was really afraid. I had 2 telehealth appointments online with my doctor and went in to see her in person on Monday. Thank God my dear Rachel was with me.
We ended up at the doctor for 3 1/2 hours where I was examined and multiple things checked and the long and the short of it is my case is baffling because I fell nearly 3 months ago, and a blood clot, even though very serious, usually does not have this kind of pain with it. My doctor made referrals to both an Orthopedic Surgeon and a Hemotologist. The former because my doctor thinks I hurt my knee much worse than I thought I did when I fell, that it is a soft tissue issue and I will need an MRI to determine the damage to soft tissue, and the Hemotologist to assess whether or not I will have to be on blood thinners for life which comes with it’s own set of issues but 2 serious blood clots in 3 years is not a good thing. The problem is that on ongoing blood thinners, and since I’m fall prone and if I fall I could bleed seriously, internally or externally. One thing has to be weighed against the other.
When I went to the doctor on Monday she ordered another several days of Oxycodone, only 5 mg to be taken along with Tylenol. That way I don’t get dopey from the medication but it helps a lot with the pain. I am very leary of any kind of medication that might make me woozy, hence more fall prone, and another fall is exactly what I DON’T need right now. Currently I am resting, taking my medication, and pretty much overwhelmed and afraid about the whole thing while I wait for the appointments with the specialists to be scheduled.
I have been numb. Over the last couple of years with my disabilities getting worse and worse I have had to let go of so many things in my life that I loved it has been heartbreaking. It is part of growing older for many, in one way or another, but I have always been an avid gardener with large cottage gardens and finally, after the EMT had to come and get me up from lying in the dirt unable to get up in July, it became clear that I would no longer be able to garden. That broke my heart, and there were so many other things, the worst of which is that in January my 5th grandchild will be born and while I have been able to carry my 4 other grandchildren or babysit or help out, I will not be able to even hold my new grandchild except sitting down in a chair because my fall risk is so serious I could fall with the baby and of course I wouldn’t risk that, but it was a terrible blow. I have been so devastated with loss after loss coming so quickly, and then the result of the falls, terrible and increasing pain and more, has left me simply lost. What does one do at this age and stage of life when so much that one loves falls away, and the pain is constant?
Well, simply put, one does what they can. One comes, over time, to acceptance, to doing, with diligence, everything one can do to take the best care of themselves they possibly can. And the physical therapy, stopped because of my current situation, will begin again once what is wrong with me is figured out and dealt with. And I can still write and draw, and paint and make all kinds of art, when I have the energy. I am doing everything I possibly can and I will continue to do so. I am working on an illustrated book and by gosh and by golly I will get it done. The support from my Patrons at Patreon have helped me enormously, I simply don’t know what I would do without them, and them just being there helps and encourages me to do what I can each day through this trying period. I write and draw a little each day. Feeling some kind of forward movement, even just inching along (Snails are passing me on the road of life!) is important. Also important is doing these things so that I don’t feel like all I am is an old lady with a basket full of disabilities and mental health challenges. I am a lifelong writer for over 50 years. I am an artist. There are many things I can do. I must keep my attention focused on these things and I am and I will.
What I have learned in these last couple of weeks is that perhaps the most important thing of all is to create an environment in which I feel safe, as comfortable as possible, where I let go of absolutely everything that is stress producing, and causes me to be more fearful. I have found that it is nearly painful to have to talk on the phone. I appreciate people’s loving care so much, but I had to finally write one email to send to a number of people that I haven’t been able to answer to apologize and explain what is going on and that I just don’t have the energy to answer. A very dear friend has had her feelings hurt because she has called twice and I just can’t talk on the phone. I need it to be very quiet. I am and have always been someone who needed a lot of quiet, I have lived for 25 years in a state of solitude and silence because I need it for my mental health, but now I need it more than ever just to be able to manage getting through the day. You know The Spoon Theory? One phone call can take nearly all the spoons I have for the day! It’s that serious. I use my energy for writing and making art because it helps me feel better, and to manage the few essential household tasks that I can. I do my best to communicate with my Patrons at Patreon because their supporting me is helping me to survive on so many levels. Living only on social security and only having medicare for insurance means all the medical bills I have now and will have is positively terrifying. So my commitment, other than to my personal and household needs, is to my Patrons, as a group. I need the support so badly and I will do everything that I am able to do to serve my Patrons.
Finally, it came to me that creating a life that is cozy, calm, and quiet is the best way for me to live my way through the days and to heal. A day when I don’t have to leave the house for a doctor’s appointment and can just be here moving through the day gently, slowly, quietly, and calmly, is a day when I actually have a few more spoons to get things done here, even just sitting here drawing. I did the drawing at the top of this post to create an image to focus on. Having candles lit always, having the fireplace (on the computer, I’ve no energy to make a fire and tend it in my own fireplace) on all day as I draw and write and work here is so soothing. Wrapping myself in soft shawls and wearing soft cozy socks, reading, and always snuggling my Molly who sleeps with me and snuggles in my lap. These are the things I am focusing on now. A life of slow living, living by the Danish concept of hygge, these are the things I need, the life I am building for myself as I move forward through a long healing period and find a gentle way to move forward from here in my life. These are the things I am claiming for myself now.
And I think all of these things are important for all of us, especially now. The holidays, while something I love, takes so much energy (no spoons left ever!) and causes so much stress. I feel, somedays, (and this is when I am not hurt or in pain, this is, for me, living with my mental health issues — agoraphobia, bipolar disorder, serious PTSD, anxiety and depression.) like I just don’t know how I will make it. But I do, and I do because I am vigilant about self-care. I am not afraid to say No (lovingly) because not taking care of myself so I can please another is not good for anyone. I have to work very hard to be well, and I take this tending of my well-being very seriously. I hope you will too dear one.
I want you to know that I am sending you so much love, and I love hearing from you even if I can’t respond right now, and if you would like to join Patreon to support me to write my book (You can join for as little as $5 a month and it makes my life here possible) and make it through this very difficult time I would appreciate it so much.
I am holding each of you in my heart and prayers. I am wishing for you the most beautiful, peaceful holiday season and that you will practice exquisite self care during these often stressful days and always. What one thing can you do for yourself today to begin a practice of “cozy, calm and quiet?” Let us enjoy these days through taking very gentle care of ourselves, and move into the new year ahead having created a life that will bring a sense of well-being to our days. From that place more is possible than before.
Take gentle care my loves, always and always…
I WISH YOU ENOUGH.
Recently, I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport as the daughter’s departure had been announced. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said:
“I love you and I wish you enough.”
The daughter replied, “Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom.” They kissed and the daughter left.
The mother walked over to the window where I sat. Standing there, I could see she wanted and needed to cry.
I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking, “Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?” “Yes, I have,” I replied. “Forgive me for asking but why is this a forever good-bye?”
“I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is the next trip back will be for my funeral,” she said.
When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, “I wish you enough.” May I ask what that means?”
She began to smile. “That’s a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone.” She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more.
“When we said ‘I wish you enough’ we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them”. Then turning toward me, she shared the following, reciting it from memory,
“I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.”
She then began to cry and walked away.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person. An hour to appreciate them. A day to love them. And an entire life to forget them.
– Author Unknown
Oh Jim honey this is so beautiful it made me cry, in the best possible way. Thank you so much for this precious gift. And I love you dearly, always and always. 💖
Maitri
Jim’s post was so meaningful and reminds me of what’s important. Today is my father’s 85th birthday. He’s our only remaining parent, both of us having lost two parents quite young (a few years younger than we are now) and a third in her mid-70’s.
Take care of yourself, Maitri.
Thank you so much Lisa honey and yes, wasn’t Jim’s story so touching?
I hope you have lovely times with your father in his remaining years, however many that might be. Time goes so fast, frighteningly so, and to treasure every time we have together means so much.
And thank you honey, I am doing the best I can, following doctor’s orders, taking the meds, and everything I’ve been told to do.
I hope you and Tim and Woody have a lovely holiday season. Sending you much love and gentle warm hugs…
Maitri 💖
my dear, the new painting is so beautiful. as i commented earlier, it’s an upgraded form of your “little sketches,” now moving closer to the detail and brightness of the Maisie paintings. It’s hard to believe, with all that’s going on for you now, that you have the patience and carry-thru to create art like this. Hallelulia. I know writing is my main-stay against confusion and overwhelm. I can’t imagine how i would get thru a single day without some creative work. So i honor you, I am so happy you can still, despite your hurting body, still do what uplifts you, and then share it with us. carry on, take care, please don’t think you have to do ANYTHING for anyone for christmas, just focus on healing. Promise! xo ka
Thank you so much darling Ka… well, you know, as I said in my post, I don’t have a lot of energy — the above little drawing took 3 days to color and finish off, I would usually have done something this small in a day — but the thing for me is not to set time constraints or worry about how much I do in a certain period of time but just feeling forward movement is so important for me now. It is easy to get lost in the worries and stress of the current situation especially when the doctor doesn’t know what’s going on! To have something to focus on outside of my physical condition is lifesaving, really. And art is much easier for me than writing because it takes me out of all the worries in my head and just floating along creating wordlessly is soothing to my soul. And I have no choice but to focus on healing and I’m doing everything I can on that score. I love you honey, so much. My love to Tom and Alana and her little family (even the snake!). I just love you so dearly… M. xoxox
My dear, dear friend. You just take care of yourself there, give yourself the peace and quiet you need to create (I know how crucial that is), and make yourself as happy as possible! And please don’t worry about pleasing me on Patreon! I’m very happy to support you in my own little way, and you need do nothing to serve/please me, except me well and happy! You are a kind, talented and very loving person who deserves all the happiness in the world! You have lovely holidays too, and please take care of yourself first! We love you ❤️🎨😄
Thank you so much my darling Emmy, I love you so much and am honored and grateful that you are part of my Patreon. Just knowing my Patrons are there makes me feel less alone and gives me the impetus to keep creating, as best I can. I need the money, but the love and support of my Patrons, and knowing you are all with me means most of all.
I hope you and yours have a beautiful holiday season. You are in my heart, always and always…
Love,
Maitri 💖
Dearest Maitri,
It is such a relief to hear that you are okay and home. I have been so worried about you!!! I am confident that your doctors will find out what is causing your pain and be able to help you get better. Thank you so much for your long update and your lovely blog. There is no need to respond to us Patreons except to let us know how you are doing and if there is anything we can do to support and love you. I deeply appreciate your art and sharing your many journeys and trials and tribulations with us. You always inspire me! much love, Shari
Oh my dear Shari, you are so kind, and loving, and supportive, always. It means so much to me to have you in my little community. Knowing you all are with me helps me more than you will ever know. I am sending you a warm gentle hug and a kiss on the cheek. You are in my heart, always…
Maitri 🤗💖🥰
Dear Maitri, I am reading your post and feeling much sadness. I have been following you for many many years inspiring me and teaching me many things! And to see you unwell hurts me. I hope you get well soon and the doctors find out what is wrong. In the meantime do what you feel will help you especially the solitude, God Bless you and I am praying for you always
Cynthia Lonardo
Thank you so much for your lovely email Cynthia, and your husband wrote to make sure I got it because I hadn’t responded yet. Honey it only came through at 5:30. I cannot answer things very quickly now. I was sleeping when you sent it. Usually it’s the next day before I can respond. I have very little energy for answering right now as much as I dearly appreciate you sending it. Please be patient and bear with me right now. I’m doing the best I can.
Blessings and Happy Holidays,
Maitri