First of all, so as not to frighten anyone I know that I will go on, but these are the days when I wonder how, these are the days when I am afraid to speak to anyone because I know I will start to cry. These are the days when I know why I had to answer the questions on the questionnaire.
Question 1. Describe everything you do from the time you get up in the morning until the time you go to bed.
Answer: Precious little.
I take care of the pugs and Miss Scarlet. I rescheduled a vet appointment because it was a well baby new patient appointment. If I had a sick pug or a pressing appointment I would have gone but my agoraphobia is waving its banners high and going out would be excruciating.
I want to write a gratitude list and a list of all of the joyful things in my life but I’m not able to. I’m not prone to headaches but I have had a terrible one all day. I am writing this blog post to try to stay tethered to the planet, I am nailing down one word at a time so that it stays on the page, I am writing this for others who suffer so that we can hold hands and stay here together knowing that another better day will come soon. And it will, and we will make it through once again, but at this very moment just to swallow makes me cry. I have tears running down my face as I write this.
I have very little money left until disability comes through and I pray God it does and I am so paralyzed with fear that I can’t do anything and the paperwork of must -dos is piling up on my desk and I am afraid to sit down in my desk chair and look at it.
I took a nap, exhausted from doing nothing at all, and yet could barely lay still. The 4 pugs literally laid all over me or up against me and kept me from floating up, hitting the ceiling, and crashing to the floor. Many nights their soft warm bodies and gentle snoring are the only things that help me go to sleep. Anyone who thinks I am a good person for adopting these babies doesn’t understand that they save my life or keep me going every single day.
I’m afraid to write this.
I’m afraid not to.
What if it helps one single person? Then it is worth it. This is the kind of post that makes me fear I will lose readers while at the same time knowing that the thing I should be thinking about is how it might save a life. For 7 years people have written to me and told me I helped them hang on, kept them from taking their own lives. This has shocked me time and again, every single time I heard it, but knowing that how can I not write this post.
We are going to make it dear ones. We may be paralyzed with fear, we may be weighted down as if by a semi in depression but the clouds will begin to lift. Sit next to me, let’s look for even a slim shimmer of sunlight, and then we know there will be more, and then we turn a corner and can make it to another day.
I am not there yet. I am crying again. I felt so sick I texted my daughter whom I adore, and whose weekly visits mean more to me than I dare say. I never want her to feel guilty if she can’t come. I want her to have her life not be worrying about me here like this. This is why I live alone. People don’t have to see me on these really bad days. I wrote to her and told her I didn’t know if I was up to a visit this week. That is an indication of just how bad it is. She asked me if I had taken all my meds and I had but I was so busy avoiding life I forgot to eat. I ate nothing until 3:00 this afternoon and the meds made my stomach sick. You need to take them with food. I’ll leave myself a post-it note for tomorrow.
I am so afraid. I am so afraid and shy and embarrassed to ask this but will you say a prayer for me? My shawl is wet from tears. I don’t want to wake up to another day like this.
If you are still here with me thank you so much. It helps not to be alone.
Yes, this is the day when I understand why I had to fill out that questionnaire. I hope never to have to do something like that again but one time I had to tell the painful truth. I am more than the answers to the questions, but I am this too.