What Would I Say To You If I Wasn’t So Afraid?

PopArtMaitri6.1.16

It came to me tonight. I have been, since I put the house on the market, so afraid all the time that I have been frozen in time. Needing to sell the house so that I could survive. And you know what? I am going to survive whether the house sells or not. I am going to survive if the moon comes up made of greenΒ cheese. I am going to survive if I break out in pink polka dots and purple stars. I am going to survive.

So, what would I say to you if I wasn’t so afraid? I would say to you that it’s okay, in fact it’s splendid, to be 62 years old. I would say to you that no matter what happens I will survive. I am going to say to you that even if my little dog who was a puppy mill breeder and has “issues” and pees in the house pees in the house I can clean up after her and everything will be okay. I will throw out dog beds and mop floors and buy products that naturally get rid of dog odors and I will make things as nice as I can and everything will be okay, and if someone comes to look at the house and says that it smells “too doggy,” oh well, I will have done the best that I can. I am not someone who is messy and careless and doesn’t care. I am someone who will be doing the very best that she can and that will be good enough for some people and not for others. And I guess I am just not for those others. I am someone who cares and tries and does my best.

I want to say to you that I am 62 and I have worked hard for months on a book that I have just put aside because I spent too much time talking about being bipolar and apologizing for it and I am not going to do that anymore. I am bipolar. I have issues. That will always be a part of who I am. But I am not going to spend a year or two of my life writing a book explaining about being bipolar and apologizing for it. It will enter the picture because it is my truth but it is not my only truth. I am a strong woman who has accomplished a lot in her life and has a lot more that she will accomplish and I am utterly thrilled thinking about all of the things that are ahead of me. I am a woman who is in the middle of the blossoming of her full powers, and damn it feels so good. I am doing a lot right now and I am going to do more. And none of this has anything to do with whether my house sells or not.

I want to say to you that I am not afraid to be who I am, fully, and in aspect to the sun, the moon and the stars. I can tell you that I have decided, finally, to lose the weight that weighed me down, and if it takes two or three years to lose it all that’s alright by me because every single day I am doing the best that I can to lose it, and I am using my gifts to build a life that a 60 plus year old woman can, and I know that I am young enough to have a life that is glorious still, and I am thrilled to have the opportunity to do so.

I want to tell you that I am not afraid to be my age, and further, that I am grateful to be my age, because when I was younger I had no idea how precious life was, how truly magical life is and can be, and now I am fully ready to reach for all the good that life can hold and to cherish it and to celebrate it. I can tell you that in planning to sell this house I got rid of so much that was precious to me I thought that maybe I couldn’t live or breathe and that no amount of trying to move forward was ever going to get me the life I was giving up, but that in giving up what I gave up I made way for a new life that was bigger and better than anything that I had ever had or dreamed or imagined.

I got rid of every pot, every piece of garden art — and there was a lot — so many plants I can’t count, and the yard looks barren and empty, and still, and yet, the emptiness yields an expansive space for more than I ever dreamed or imagined. I have moved beyond limited to limitless and no amount of things given up will equal what I have still to live and dream and be and imagine.

I have not sold my house and some days I can’t breathe trying to imagine what will happen to me if I don’t have the money from selling the house to live on, and yet… and yet… there is so much life that has nothing to do with any of that that I am shocked just thinking about it and I know that I will move past this and live my way into unimaginable glory.

I am 62 and I have not sold my house yet and I live with 4 dogs who may create little problems here and there but I love them with all my heart and they give me more love than the dollars and cents of it all that comes from selling a house. And if I sell the house despite the issues that these four dogs bring then it will be meant to be and we five will go on gloriously into our next abode and we will snuggle our way into all that that life brings. Gosh they are my darlings and I will no longer wake up shaking like a leaf even as they are snuggled into me being terrified that I won’t be able to sell a house because they are here.

I want to tell you, oh yes, I really want to tell you, that no matter where you are and if you have a house to sell or not and if you are 62 or some other age that wherever you go there you are and I am here and it is fine and it is good and it is, in fact, perfect for right here, right now, and I intend to live my way fully into it and make it work because it was meant to work if I am here in the middle of this glorious mess called life.

If I wasn’t so afraid, and as I write this I am not too afraid, to tell you that I love my life and by friggin’ God I am going to celebrate it, all of it, all that it is and all that it might be, and it is all going to be okay, whether I sell my house, when I sell my house, or not.

Damn, and good golly Miss Molly, this is right and I am fine, right here, right now, and if I hadn’t been so afraid I would have told you sooner, but I’m telling you now. And isn’t it about damned time? It surely is…

MaitriSz4.4.16.09

 

 

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Comments

  1. You shine like a star, a gift, a delight and you are just fine and the lovely dear heart doggies are fine and I am fine too, come to that. And finer still after reading your readiness for facing the now and embracing it. Blessings to you, Maitri, you’re here and you’re ready and we’re fine together!

    • Thank you so much dear darling beautiful Tracy,

      You have made me smile, you have lifted my heart, you have made me shine from the inside out, you have made everything, this night, okay, just as it is. Thank you dearest, thank you so much…

      Love,

      Maitri

  2. Well done, Maitri. Yes, you will survive this and more. You do have a glorious life!

    • Thank you Michele, I appreciate that, and yes I will survive, and I do indeed have a glorious life. I will now kiss 4 tiny noses and affirm just that! :o)

  3. You are in inspiration-I gave up because I was (still am-just not as much) so afraid and then I started to read your blogs. You have given me hope. I am getting better.

    • Oh dear Mary just telling me that I have given YOU hope gives ME hope. Thank you for telling me that dear one. And bless you, things will get better and better and better, I just know it.

      Sending you love and all the blessings life can bring…

      Maitri

  4. Teresa Myszka says:

    Oh my dear Maitri, there have been so many times, when I felt fear and jumped into the nearest rabbit hole I could find to get away from it, only to find it managed to follow me. It was you and your posts that pulled me out, sometimes by the bra straps, dusted me off and told me it was ok you can do this. So Maitri I’m telling you not only can you do this, you already are. Church, gym. WW with huge weight melting off. The house is but a house, it will sell., and you are amazingly alright. You’re not alone, we have your back, it’s going to be alright, because it already is. You are so loved .

    • Oh my darling Teresa,

      Thank you so much dearest, you’ve no idea how much your post helped me tonight, I just can’t tell you. If I have helped you you have helped me many times over, bra straps, or whatever. You are giving me the strength to hold on dearest and knowing that you have my back helps me hold on all the more. And you, too, are so loved, more than you could possibly know.

      Thank you dear friend, I love you dearly…

      Maitri

  5. This is simply splendid!

  6. Lynne Joncas says:

    you are so very strong and wise and real! Yes life can be damned scary sometimes but we have a 100% rate of surviving all that life has thrown at us so far and should trust that we will continue to do so. I know so very very well how it feels to be afraid of what ‘s unknown, what is to come, but it will come no matter what so embrace each day for what it holds and love the life you’re living…and I will work on doing the same! You have come so far and continue to grow and stretch and reach…way to go, girl!!

    • Oh dear Lynne thank you so much…

      Yes life can be damned scary but we are able to survive that which we believe that we can and I believe that I can. What else is there?

      I wish you the best of everything and all the love in the world, we have both come this far and we will forge ahead and continue on Onwards and upwards dearheart.

      I am sending you so much love…

      Maitri

  7. Sandra Carter says:

    Bless you, Maitri!

  8. What a wonderful blog post. I just loved this one! I giggled at the if the moon were made of cheese and if you got polka dots you’d survive part. And I am celebrating you for all these awarenesses <3 . Life isn't easy for those with extra challenges, but they do not define us. That is for sure! And I understand that feeling of needing to explaining oneself or ones condition. And yet, do people who have diabetes for example feel they have to explain themselves in grave detail? No. And so I suppose we don't either. It is part of the story, part of what makes us survivors and inspiring and all that, but it is not the whole enchilada. Most of the enchilada is the filling. The good stuff. The kick ass flavorful women we ARE. Maybe there is a little sauce dumped on the enchilada that makes life a little messier, but there is a whole lot of other stuff going on in there . HA! What a silly reference, but maybe it will make you smile. I love enchiladas anyway and now I am apt to think this perspective whenever I eat messy Mexican food with all its layers. I may have to turn this into a blog post, but then people may really think I am nuts. hehe.

    Your life is wonderful. You are doing great! More great things will happen and yes, you will be provided for whether or not the house sells. And it WILL at some point…. And I like what you said about doing your best and how there will be some others that it wont be good enough for, but who needs those others anyway. I need to remember that, as I too always do my best but my best looks different on different days. Some days my best looks like a clean kitchen and a gourmet meal and hours of gardening and loads of laundry done and a host of other things. Other days (and today is one such day) , my best is just dragging my butt out of bed after a night of poor sleep and making myself shower and be presentable for someone stopping by, and making sure Toast is cared for and Matt has his dinner. Nothing else has been accomplished, but I did get out of bed and my loved ones are at least not neglected. It is such a comfort to have you to do "life" with. Love you lots!

    • Love you too Bekah honey and I love your enchilada analogy. We just keep doing the best that we can and feel pride in all we are doing. You do a lot, more than I think you often give yourself credit for, so feel proud of that and just keep on keeping on as best you can.

      I love you honey…

      Maitri

  9. Olive Appleby says:

    This blog so resonates with me…..you will go on and get to whatever you wish for yourself. Fear holds us back, you have overcome so much so you know you can do it. The right person will come along, fall in love with your special house. You need your magic place to go to the right person. Maitri just keep rocking life like you do. Much love…….Olive. πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’‹

    • Thank you so much Olive honey, and I appreciate you affirming that the right person will come along for surely they will when the time is right.

      Here’s me, rocking life as best I can… πŸ˜€

      Love,

      Maitri

  10. Oh Maitri, you always inspire me…bless you. I am 62 also and am doing the best I can too and that’s all we can ask of ourselves. I also have 23 cats and love all animals, so I know your babies are such a comfort to you. And you will have someone look at the house that loves animals and doesn’t care about any trivial thing related to the dogs. You are doing so well…keep going girl! <3

    • Thank you so much Sheila honey, and here we are, 62 year old twins! πŸ˜€ I have to believe that someone who wants a house with a big fenced yard will have dogs or want them so understand my having them. And yes I just keep on going as best I can. What else is there?

      Sending you and your kitties love and hugs,

      Maitri

  11. Lynn Heritage says:

    Matri….you are a beautiful flower in bloom. Thank you for you courage in writing about your fears. I share many of them and you give me hope that I, too, can survive life. Peace and love to,you, sweet lady.

    • Thank you so much Lynn, what a lovely thing to say. You, too, are a beautiful bouquet, sweet and lush, full of life. You do so much in your life that is special and important, we all just do the best that we can.

      Peace and love right back to you angel. Have a beautiful day…

      Maitri

  12. Matri, You make my heart sing with delight…You are a strong and beautiful woman. And on days that it doesn’t feel so, remember it is still there…who you really are!
    Blessings and Big Hugs, Judith

    • Thank you so much Judith and thank you for the reminder. I can write a post here one night and be flooded with fear a couple of nights later so the reminder for when things are hard is timely and appreciated. Thank you dearest, I am sending you so much love and a warm hug…

      Maitri

  13. hey hon, i’m ten years older than you and still groovin!!! the key is to delight in being alive — yes? and of course your house will sell, to the right people at the right time,
    and you’re shedding the unnecessary, and more, and inside of you is the woman who has made it this far, so productive, so talented, so original, so authentic!!!!
    i celebrate you
    xo
    ka

  14. This is a post to pin on our walls, real or virtual, and hold in our hearts for those days when FEAR creeps up and startles us into quaking and we need to be reminded we still ARE and still will be what we need to move forward with joy.

    • What a lovely thing to say dear Cathryn, thank you so much. And yes fear just will creep up and knock the hoo ha out of us and we do need reminders. I need many. And still we must move forward with joy. Wishing you all the joy and love a heart can hold… <3

      Maitri

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