The Experiment: Day 66 ~ Take Your Time + A Shy Question I Long To Have Answered…

All day long I felt like I knew the answer. I had the perfect blog post in mind and I had to have the right image for it. I started looking this morning over coffee, at 6:15 p.m. I just sunk back in the chair and gave up. I am very particular about the images I use but I couldn’t find that one that simply had to go with that post. I stopped, finally, after hours of searching, and then the phrase “Take your time” came to me and I made my own graphic. It is nothing fancy, but it is enough.

I have been off kilter for at least 2 days now and it has worried me. I needed to do something to hurry up and get right again. This is just about the silliest, most senseless thing you can do. You can’t rush the processing of feelings and emotions, and for me, with several mental health issues and a handful of pills I have to take each day, pushing myself that hard, a little, I’m sad to say, bipolary in nature, won’t get me anywhere except curled up in a chair hiding under a blanket with my pugs, and while snuggling with the pugs is always a good thing allowing myself to curl up and disappear is just something I won’t let myself do anymore. If you are lost there’s no way to rush being found. You have to take your time.

To me it’s like, well, there’s a very particular thing I have in mind. I am in a place that is between asking the question and receiving the answer, you know, like when you ask the Magic 8 Ball a question and then turn it over and slowly, ever so slowly, up from the murky depths comes the answer. There is no way to rush the answer coming, you just have to wait. I have, for all intents and purposes, asked a question. Well, I asked more than one. One I needn’t have bothered asking because there is no answer, it is a rhetorical question, I asked it out loud expecting the universe to finally send me the answer I’ve waited for for 11 years. There is no answer, just the knowing that it’s time to let go, and it just makes my heart ache. Then there is this question that is roughly formed in my mind, “What is the purpose of this 365 Day Experiment?” You see when I started this project 66 days ago I had the firm belief that something was going to happen as a result of me having blogged for the year. I wasn’t sure exactly what the answer was supposed to be but I had almost a prescient sense that the thing coming would be almost magical, a meant-to-be thing, and all I had to do was show up here every day and it would unfold naturally. I suppose that might be happening but I’ve become too focused on the possible outcome and not on the journey itself. Today I let go of the outcome, and returned to embracing the journey. That will require constant, steady action, I will have to slow down, breath deeply, and take my time. But then the shy little question surfaced, something that flutters around in my heart from time to time but which I have given up hope, almost given up hope, of ever happening.

Today when I started searching for that perfect image I wrote down, in the subject line for this post, “Will I Ever Have Anyone To Hold My Hand Again?” I am actually blushing madly seeing the words here in black and white. But I do wonder, and there’s a kind of melancholy nearly engulfing me as I wonder this again, would it ever be possible for someone to love someone like me? I am 63 1/2 years old, I struggle with mental health issues, am scarred by childhood abuse that left me fragile for most of my adult life. I lost all of my financial security after the house fire that took Dragonfly Cottage. I don’t imagine I’m a catch, but that doesn’t keep my heart from dreaming. I’m mostly okay alone, but these last years, where I have always craved solitude, I find myself getting lonely more and more often. And I am a person who loves being in love, loves doting on her partner, longs to have a hand to hold and to be held. It’s tenderness I miss, and knowing that I matter to someone as they do to me. Having someone to have coffee with in the morning. Someone who looks at you in that way and you know you belong, you know you are at home with that person, wherever you are as long as you’re together you are home.

Oh dear, I guess I shouldn’t let myself go there, but I suppose you are never too old to long to be loved. I’ve lived alone so long now, since 1999, that I can’t imagine how I would logistically fit another person into my world, and that does scare me, but what scares me more, or I guess makes me very sad, is to think that I will never be loved again. It’s a bit of a quandary, but am I wrong to hope, at this late date, that someone might love me? I just don’t know, but the heart wants what it wants and it won’t be quiet.

Mostly I’m fine alone with the pugs, we have our routines, I love them so much and they bring me so much joy. Anyone who loved me would have to love them too, but is there room for another person in my life? I can’t imagine how it would happen, I rarely even leave the house. Well, I guess now that I’ve brought it up again I can let it go, for awhile at least. But that young-at-heart romantic in me just leaps about and has so much love to give it’s hard to keep her quiet. I guess we’ll just have to wait to see what the future holds, she and I. We will just have to take our time and watch as the thousand petals of the lotus open before us. What is the prize at the center, the happy life I imagine, what will it look like? It’s too soon to tell.

I hope I’ve not said too much. I’m feeling really shy right now, and as though I’ve embarrassed myself. But the perhaps sad truth is that there’s no stopping me, these things just will come out, I don’t lie or hide things well, so I’ve said it and that’s that.

But I do know that what I said at the start is true, I must take my time, we all must take our time, the amazing, joyful surprise will be worth the wait, I just know that that is true. It is, right? I surely hope so…

 


The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: 
Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda

If you enjoy this blog a donation would be deeply appreciated to help me continue to bring “Maitri’s Heart” to you. Thank you, and many deep blessings to one and all…

Comments

  1. Ah, how I understand this, Maitri, both from my perspective and from that of friends. I’d given up on love and was happy just to get myself back. Then I met Robin, who’s the easiest person to be with I’ve ever known. When his daughter was here recently, she said, “But isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be?” Ah, the sweet innocence. She and her partner have been together 17 years. They have two gorgeous girls. They’d love to marry, but that’s not yet possible in Australia.

    I think about other friends. One had been married and divorced four times and then met the love of his life. Another had a richly satisfying life and never expected or wanted another mate in her life. Now she and her beautiful partner are buying a home together and planning their retirement travels. A new friend came to Canada because the country of his birth has made homosexuality a crime. He can’t imagine finding love here, but he is a beautiful, warm young man. On the way to finding – or not finding – a life partner, he will attract loving friends, including my group of oldies, who adore him.

    Love is no one thing, and you have more of it in your life than many, with your children and Noni and the puggles. But I wish for you whatever your heart desires and whatever wraps your spirit in joy.

    • Oh dear Cathryn, you are so right, I’m glad that lovely young woman has such a wonderful relationship and family, and I’m so glad you met your Robin, but these things are not guaranteed to be sure. And I hope the young man newly to Canada will unexpectedly find the love of his life. It’s such a lovely thing to think about. And me, well, I guess we’ll see what the fates will bring. I just have to take my time, build this new life I’m trying to build, and keep my heart open. You never know what may happen.

      Much love to you dearheart, thank you for being here…

  2. I think it is in our nature as human beings to long for love and connection. It is a very natural thing. So keep on dreaming. You just never know what will unfold over time. 🙂

    • Thank you so much dear Joan, and how can I not keep dreaming? If we stop dreaming there is no life, really, is there. I am full of love and hope and tenderness and I will live open to the possibility but try not to attach too much to the outcome so that I can enjoy my life along the way for whatever it is. Bless you honey, it’s good to see you here…

  3. Being vulnerable
    is such a gift of the heart
    that’s what this blog is

    Time is what we have
    to co-create existence
    and to dream and reap

    No hurrying time
    as you so wisely said here
    make each day your own

    There are times to soar and leap and prance and reach for the moon, and days for
    contemplation, existential questions, and even weeping. Biorhythms of life, on this yin yang pilgrimage. The great thing is you share it all with us, the highs and lows and
    sorrows and wishes. Thank you for holding up a mirror for our human journey

    xo
    ka

    xo
    ka

    • Thank you so much my darling Ka, and I so appreciate your kind words about my blog. This is my heart-work, and connecting with those who come here is my greatest joy. I am so grateful you come and leave these life-affirming notes. Yes we are all on this human journey, I will make my way through my days as best I can, and live with an open, innocent heart believing that love is possible and can come from the most unexpected places. Who knows what the fates may bring?

      Love you honey,

      M. xo

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