It’s kind of scary, and not easy, and absolutely essential.
I have just written a couple of days ago about the fact that I signed up for a Meetup group, a “Stitch and Bitch” group that meets at a local yarn shop. I am scared to death. I keep hoping when Sunday comes (They meet every Sunday at 2:00.) I won’t chicken out. I wrote to the woman who runs the meetup group who is the owner of the yarn shop. I told her I was shy to come and wasn’t sure what to bring or do, I explained about my situation having done fiber work for years, and then the fire, and so on, and that I was just getting going again. I said from the pictures everyone looked so young and I wasn’t sure if being 64 I would be a good fit.
I got the loveliest note from her yesterday. She wrote me that they had women in the group from 16 to in their 80’s and that I should just bring “whatever makes me happy.” That both made it easier and scarier because it was good to know, I felt like I would maybe fit, but then I also felt like I had no reason NOT to go! But I’ll tell you what, I have been searching for some time for the right kind of group I might shyly venture out into to meet people and if a fiber arts group meeting at a charming little yarn shop isn’t going to fit the bill nothing is! I’ve got to go.
Today I searched around the house in the places where the bits and bobs of fibery things that survived the fire are. I picked up a little of this and a little of that and then sat here bewildered. If I had been actively doing some kind of fiber art for awhile again now I would feel like I had something to bring to work on but I haven’t. Oh dearie me. And I am thinking of all of the ways I am “different” or odd or, well, fill in the blank with any peculiar trait you can think of. I may navigate social media pretty well but I don’t do real life social settings well at all. I feel panicky and afraid, I kind of hang on the fringes of things feeling like I just want to disappear into the wall paper and wondering how soon I can go home. But this just won’t do. I feel like I’m about to start school in a new school, you know, the ubiquitous new kid.
It was so much easier when I was younger. You just kind of fell into being friends with people because you were part of things. School, work, and for me most of the friends of my adult life came from groups I, or we as a family, were involved in because of our kids. I was a La Leche League Leader, a childbirth educator, we were homeschooling and involved in homeschooling groups, all of the parents from all of these various things would get together for pot lucks while the kids played, the best friends of my life came out of these years. My dear friend Noni came out of those years. We’ve known one another forever! But it’s different today. No kids, no family, I’ve barely left the house in 20 years, and the few places I tried, or thought I might meet people and make friends, a couple of different churches, a couple of different books clubs years ago, just didn’t work out at all. People weren’t unfriendly by any means, not at all, but I just didn’t somehow fit in.
And then for decades I taught my writing classes and many of my good friends began as my students. I still miss teaching and writing with groups of people but it’s just not something that seems possible now. In the years when I was doing that nobody else was doing what I was doing. Today everybody and her great aunt Nancy are teaching some kind or journal or writing class. And I was more comfortable being out in the world then. Those were wonderful years, but that ship has sailed.
And what do you say to people? I teeter back and forth between barely being able to open my mouth and spilling my whole life story, the latter of which just isn’t appropriate which I know so I mainly just smile (my lopsided smile, which makes me even more self-conscious, I really did stop going out into the world pretty much entirely after being stricken with Bell’s Palsy, and ending up lopsided for good) and praying somebody will talk to me and at the same time being afraid that they will! I dislike small talk, that flitting about like waterbugs on the surface of life and never really saying anything that matters, but you have to start somewhere, and I have an absolute horror of the conversation turning political. I had my years when I was young of marching, working for causes, being out there in the world, believe it or not, but that ship has sailed too and I just want to talk knitting and maybe books and those sorts of things. Is that too much to ask? Maybe it is. Even though I have feelings about the political climate and what is happening in the world and do things behind the scenes that no one will ever know about I can’t handle going there. I’ve begun to feel part of me pulling back from social media too because one is just inundated with heated emotional rhetoric about very important issues but it’s just not a place that I can go. Does that mean I won’t fit in out there in the world today? It does not, I can assure you, mean that I am uncaring or unfeeling, I care so much I can’t bear it. Will a knitting group be a safe place to go? I hope so.
The thing is what will happen to me if I don’t get out there and try? I had the glorious year and a half when Noni was here every weekend but she can’t do that anymore, can only come once in awhile, she has lots of other friends and things she is involved in, I don’t, and I’ve got to try. I am not going to be a big “goer outter” but it would be nice to meet someone for coffee or a glass of wine or dinner once in awhile. And I would love to have something like this Stitch and Bitch group to go to weekly. Just imagine. You see I have romantic notions about such things, one of my favorite things to read in the last years have been the knitting shop mystery series books, the Seaside Knitters books, by Sally Goldenbaum. The group of women who meet regularly in the yarn shop each week to knit and talk, well, it just sounds dreamy to me. Makes me feel wistful and fills me with a sense of longing. I’m going to go. I’ve got to go.
If you have found yourself later in life trying to go out into the world and make friends I would love to hear from you, where you went, how you handled it, what you did, or, if like some of my friends you are engaged with wonderful things that you enjoy that are great for we who are older now I’d love to hear from you what those things are. Maybe there are things I’ve never thought of? And if you have been part of a “Stitch and Bitch” group I’d really love to hear from you.
I am so nervous, and I am feeling so shy, and I hope it all goes well. I will keep you posted. Wish me luck!
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
Mom belongs to a craft group at her church … they make different things to sell in the gift shop .. they also make baby hats and blankets for the local hospitals things like that … she goes every wednesday morning … she says they are down to 4 women now one is 72, one is 86. another is 92 and my mom is 83. Martha gossips about the same thing over and over for the 4 hours… lol Mom tunes them out and the other two just say yes dear and nod their heads lol
I think Mom enjoys it very much … she just finished a religion class and will take the next level this fall. btw she lives in florida so very hot right now..
My mom is fearless and wants to do things now that make her happy. her advice to me is do what makes you happy.
Thank you so much dear Julia, I loved reading this, and, this note of yours has given me the confidence to show up Sunday, Thanks honey, I needed this, I love you dearly… <3
maitri, just remember every woman in that stitch and bitch group also has her own vulnerabilities and issues. and if you are there with an open heart, tuning in to each person beneath their outer veneer, you won’t be so worried about fitting in. you love fiber work, and you’re ready to get back into it, and sharing that you’ve been out of it for some years due to the great loss of the fire isn’t spilling too much about yourself. you are feeling tender about picking up the fibers again, and making friends again. that makes you human. so relax, honey, just pretend i’m there, and all your readers, who care about you, looking over your shoulder seeing what fun you are having!!!
xo
ka
Oh thank you so much my dear darling Ka, you’ve no idea how much I wish you WERE here, and I could hold your hand, and we could walk in together (Even if you had to leave once we were in! I guess I will have to imagine just that!) I will follow your advice, I will put together what I can and show up as I am, what else is there? You have, and do, teach me so much. I think I will always be holding your hand, as I walk through life, even if you are not really there, just because holding your hand in my mind makes it all seem possible. I love you so much. Thank you for being there for me…
M. xoxox
Good on you Maitri! Theres nothing wrong with you luv! Best foot forward as they say. (BTW you are a very endearing person) I’m sure many people will like you
Thank you so much darling Leeanne, you made me smile…
Best foot forward indeed, and I hope you’re right. I will hold your kind words in my mind as I head out to the meeting Sunday, trembling, afraid, but determined!
Love and hugs to you honey…
🙂
I totally agree with Katya — you’re a wonderful person who’s shy about being out there, and show up. It may be nice; it might not be the right fit. But you have to put yourself out there to make new in-person friends. Look at all the online friends that you have — you’re definitely good friend material!
I had such a prescribed persona when I was still working, it was hard to make friends outside of work (without children or a church community). I had MANY people who knew me and I knew them, but they weren’t really “friends”. My best friends then I met through work, and even after they’d left the workplace, my relationship with them was still defined that way, except for my gym buddy, who’s now my best connected friend from that time in my life. But we reconnected by going to the Women’s March in Washington, together, and visits by her and her husband to Asheville, later, and a reunion Women’s March last January.
But I needed to put myself out there (in Asheville) — not easy, but I knew I had to do it to make new friends.
Getting out there in Asheville, however hard, has paid back in so many ways. Most serendipitously, I was recruited into an eclectic local garden club through an article in our neighborhood newsletter. Magic. My friend circle expanded exponentially.
Volunteering in a local community garden, ditto, although they’re still mostly acquaintances, my experiences there expanded my base, and enriched my friendshi0’s
Another interesting friend was made through a comment I made on our community list-serve — she’s in her mid-70’s, with many common interests in the wider commmunity and social activism.
If I were in Wilmington, I’d be delighted to get to know an interesting, alternative-thinking, brilliant, and shy person like you!
Oh my Darling Lisa…
Do you really know how much I have treasured you through these years?
And thank you for this note. I will copy it and keep it to read and reread, so much wisdom here. You know I think one of the most interesting things is that I think we imagine, in our mind’s eye, so often, that we “don’t fit” and that that is somehow unique but that in truth many more people feel that way than we imagine and we just have to show up, be ourselves, and as you so aptly put “be out there.”
I hope we can have the live call we’ve talked about. I would love to chat with you. And I am sending you so much love, bigger than the moon… 🙂
Maitri
Maitre, each of us may seem a little different or odd, so what? If you look around there may be people you might find different or odd but all of us can learn from each other. I know you feel shy. I can’t imagine bring more shy than I was a while ago. My ex had me convinced I was helpless. His pet name for me was ding-aling. I isolated myself. I finally found my inner lioness and the transformation began. A lot has hsppened since then. I left that marriage and got a second chance with a mate who values me for who I am. Through him i began to value myself. I still feel a little shy speaking to a potential student about the lessons I offer. But it is getting easier. Once we get working together it feels natural and some have become close friends. I was very shy about offering the dresses I custom make but each sale increases my confidence. I bet these stitch and bitch ladies will be friendly and welcoming. Look at all the things you and they have to chat about … Your crafts, your families, your beloved pets for a start. I believe you can do it step by step but you need to believe it. You will be a great addition to the group. Bring out that inner lioness. You can do it.
Oh Darling Paula, thank you so much for this…
And I have to say that I have read about your loving, sweet relationship with Kevin, and been in awe, and a bit envious. I will never, in some ways, get over my marriage ending, though there were many reasons. My husband was a Kevin too, and very kind, and I love him still. It was complicated. I would love to believe that someone could love me again, that it is possible. You give me hope. You’ve no idea how much.
Thank you so much for all the kind things you said. It is late and I am very tired and getting off the computer but I couldn’t do so without telling you how much your post meant. More than you could possibly know…
Much love to you dearheart…
Maitri
Yes you can, Maitri, we aren’t telling anything you do not know within yourself. I can’t wait to hear about this new venture.
I am always afraid of two things–will I talk too much or will I talk too long?
Marge:)
Thank you so much dear Marge, I am so afraid, more than I can possibly express, but you are all giving me the confidence to go on. I don’t know how to thank you but these simple words will have to suffice, thank you so much. Please keep me in your prayers…
Maitri they will love you! Truly! How lovely that they meet in a yarn shop!
When we first moved up here 30 years ago, I didn’t know a soul. Not a single soul! I was quiet and reserved, still am. I love knitting and crochet and craft work. So in the first week we were here, I did two things. I volunteered to help in a charity shop, and I went along and enrolled in a crochet class that was about to start in a local community school. It was one of the best things I ever did, I had such a lot of fun! There were no “Stitch and Bitch” groups in those days, but the crochet class was the same sort of thing. There were about fifteen of us, age range from 30s to late 70s. Mothers and grandmothers, single people and widows, all women. We met once a week and took along our new projects or whatever we were currently working on, and sat around a big table, chatting, sharing patterns and helping each other out. We talked about our families, our craft work, gardening, recipes, pets…
The class was run by two sweet elderly sisters who became my very dear friends, they’d lived here for decades and told me all about the history of the place, it was fascinating. I visited them every week at their house when the class eventually ended, I ran errands for them and helped with their garden. They had the most beautiful garden, one of the sisters would edge the lawn on her hands and knees using a pair of sheep shears! They gave me home baking and plants from their garden to take home. Such sweet ladies and their knitting and crochet was beautiful, they had knitted for soldiers in the war and did all kinds of charity work, knitting for babies, “teddies for tragedies”, warm hats for orphans… I have such wonderful memories of our time together.
Sending much love to you, I hope you enjoy your group! xxx
Oh Jenny thank you so much for sharing this, it all sounds like such a dream and exactly what I’m hoping to find, it would be a dream come true to find what you found with those dear ladies. Please hold a good thought for me that I can find the kind of friendship that you found there. My heart longs for it so.
And I am sending much love back to you, and a gentle warm hug…
I’m definitely holding a good thought for you, we’ll all be thinking of you and wishing you well. xxx
Thank you so much darling Jenny (I love to write that, my eldest daughter is Jenny, though while I named her Jennifer because I loved the name Jenny, and I always have called her Jenny, she allows NO ONE but me to call her that! To everyone else she is Jennifer, or Jen. Sigh, she’s 41 now. Now arguing with a grown up!) 🙂
Thank you so much for holding a good thought. I think I will be carrying you all with me in my knitting bag when I go and I will be holding all of your hands TIGHT! Gee willikers I’m scared. I’m going, but I’m scared…
So many lovely comments and suggestions already for you Maitri. I hope your spirit is buoyed and supported to go to the meetup on Sunday.
One thing I have found works for me in an awkward situation, where I might be nervous about someone asking too much about me, is just to ask about them. Keeping the focus on the others, their stories and their interests and listening to them can lead to more comfortable introductions and exchanges.
Best of luck!
Thank you so much dear Joan and what a wonderful suggestion! Most people enjoy talking about themselves and are flattered when asked. The trouble, when you have spent so much time alone for so many years, is that you either find it hard to know what to say at all or there can be a floodtide released from just so desperately wanting someone to talk to. Balance, of course, is key. I’m not totally lacking in social graces however, I was raised with all of that, it’s just been so long. The first meeting will be hard for me but I pray that I can ease my way into it and that it will get more comfortable each time. Hold a good thought!
I love the approach of asking people about themselves and their interests. It’s helped me immensely over the years, as an initially (and still) shy person who had a very public persona in my work as an educator. Asking about their interests is always an entree, whether it’s about gardening or knitting!
I believe you are exactly right! 🙂
My best advice is to remember to breathe! Deep breathing does help calm a person, but I know there are times when I catch myself holding my breath out of anxiety. There is so much good advice from your virtual community here, and so much good will and good vibes, too. I feel like this is an adventure I am reading- and can’t wait to find out the result. “Maitri’s Next Adventure- Meeting Stitch and Bitch” I am picturing it in my head like a film teaser! This Virtual Community is with you !
Ah Lorraine, and you have no idea how much I appreciate you all! And I burst out laughing when I read, “Maitri’s Next Adventure- Meeting Stitch and Bitch” ha ha ha! 😀 And I had my weekly Livestream with my keto group today and they are cheering me on too. Now I can’t NOT go! Hold a good thought for me, there’s nothing for it but to go now!