The Experiment: Day 214 ~ Celebrating What Is — Accepting The Life We Have…

It is Monday, a new week is here. And I am going to try to approach life in a new way.

This morning as I was having my morning coffee I was texting back and forth with my dear friend Katya. As our conversation went on — she posed a question and asked how I would respond — what I came to was that I need to get out of the mindset that if I’m not making money doing something it is not worthwhile. We hold ourselves to these standards in life and judge ourselves so harshly. The facts are that I am not able to work outside of the home and due to some of my life limitations I am not able to do consistent paid work inside the home either. But, as I come to realize, that does not negate the life I am living, what I am giving in the world, how I love and am loved. I wrote to Katya…

“I believe my blog matters, taking care of my babies matters, being a mother and a grandmother matters, and making my garden and sharing it with the world matters. It all makes for a pretty full life…”

Why do we judge ourselves so harshly? What I need to do is to look at my life in terms of what I do do, not what I don’t or am not able to do. This change in perspective might help me in ways that I have not been able to see.

I will no longer be signing up for endless webinars that are all about starting an online business (and presumably making lots of money). I am simply not able to do that. It has taken me a very long time to come to accept this but it is true. What I can do is to do what I am doing. If I am able to do a little bit of this or that and make a few dollars along the way that would be nice but right now my focus needs to be to celebrate and fully live the life that I have. I am not giving up on life by accepting the limitations that I do have while finding joy in what is possible. This is a whole new way to look at life. I haven’t quite figured out how to do it or what it all means. It is something I must explore.

Today I started the day having coffee and communicating with my friend. I have taken care of my wee pugs and watched the birds at the feeders. I blew off the deck and took more food out for the squirrels. I made a light lunch, talked to my sweet daughter Rachel who called to say hello, am writing this blog post. I think I haven’t quite come to what all I want to say here. I think I will take the pugs out and curl up with them and read for awhile. I will come back to this later. Something is coming, some thoughts, but they are not yet here. It is important to allow things the time they need to come to fruition…

It is later now. It got dark and rained all afternoon. I did indeed curl up with the pugs in our big recliner and read until my eyes were heavy. We took a nap. I rested more than slept for awhile and then turned on the light and read more. The little ones stayed snuggled up to me. I am reading a book that I am really enjoying and would never have read had a special not popped up when I went to amazon a couple of days ago to look for a movie or series to watch. 3 months of Kindle Unlimited for $1.99. (It’s usually $9.99 a month) You can read all the Kindle books that are in the program for free with the membership. I won’t continue on after the 3 month promotion because frankly there aren’t that many books I’d care to read in the program but I thought it might give me something different to look at. I am reading a novel called “Digging In” a best-selling novel on amazon by Loretta Nyhan. I am really enjoying it. I don’t read novels much anymore, I prefer non-fiction like May Sarton, Anne Lamott, Natalie Goldberg and others, women’s journals, letters, and memoirs, but I used to read a lot of novels. I think I will return to them again.

At 6 with the rain letting up a bit I got the dogs out and got them their dinner. I am sipping a small glass of wine and will make an omelet for dinner when I get this up. I have an online meeting tonight at 8:30. Afterwards I will watch the news shows I enjoy that come on late on MSNBC. I don’t have cable anymore, haven’t for a year, and I had watched so little television by the time I gave it up I didn’t care but I loved MSNBC’s news programs starting with Rachel Maddow at 9 (I usually watch the rebroadcast at midnight as I will tonight because I will be in my meeting until 10.) and then Lawrence O’Donnell at 10 and Brian Williams at 11. After I got rid of cable I found out I can watch MSNBC on my phone and I was delighted. I usually “watch” them with the phone propped up on my desk here as I do other things, and settle into the chair with the pugs about 11 and watch/listen until I start to fall asleep. It’s funny, I was never a person who watched the news until the presidential election in 2016. I started watching Rachel Maddow that year and got hooked. I absolutely love her.

What does this all add up to? It doesn’t sound like much. I think that I am in a period of adjustment, and as I sit here I realize that this is huge. Almost 20 years ago I knew a young woman who wasn’t even 20. I was writing and publishing a lot, she took my journal classes, she was young and sweet and hopeful. Today that “young woman” is married with children and has a million dollar company. On some level it devastates me. How did she, how did so many others, move past me? Build big businesses online making a lot of money while my marriage ended, and I had multiple breakdowns, struggled with bipolar disorder, came into a little money when my mother died that allowed me to buy this house and my car and get a little life going and a business started only to lose everything with a devastating house fire not to mention having realized, over the last two decades, that the mental health issues that I have struggled with since I was young were not miraculously going to go away.

I have times when I do better, then times when I struggle more, and it is something that I will deal with for the rest of my life. There will be no million dollar company, I will not produce a book a year as I had always imagined I would, I will be 64 one week from today and I have to come to terms with my life as it is. And, if I am able to have a life in which I find any peace, I am going to have to celebrate this life that I do have. Given the circumstances I have had a hard time finding a way to celebrate my life. It hasn’t amounted to what I thought it would and I am stymied by both my extremely limited income and my inability to make much at all — and how would I even do that? — because I would lose the few benefits I need to survive? How do I come to peace with this, and go on? I simply do, and will, because I have to.

First, there is the shock, “Oh my God, does this mean my life will never be more than this? When I had so many dreams, when I believed that it would be other than this, when I believed that I would do work in the world that would enable me to help others and live comfortably and not have to be afraid?” And then comes the realization, the time of acceptance — I think this is where I am now — “Yes, this is what it means.” But then we come to a crossroads and we have two choices. We can give up on our life and live a miserable life for the rest of our life or we can say, “This is my life, this is the truth of my life, these are the facts of my life, as they are. I will now accept them, I will be grateful for what I do have, and I will make the most of these things. I will make the most of them, even find joy in them, I will take what I have and move bravely into each day. I will do what I can. It will be enough.”

This is where I am now, and I am still afraid. I was just thinking that this is all not so different from Kubler-Ross’s 5 stages of grief. I believe that I have been going through these stages — Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance — in regards to having to come to terms with the death of the dream of the life I thought I would have, but, having been moving through these stages I am finally, I believe, I hope, coming to the time of acceptance, and I will move on from here into the days ahead, and I will see what I can do and be and create in the life that I do have. I don’t have all of the answers yet, I am only beginning to relax into the new reality. I’m not sure where it will take me but I think I will be okay. I’ve said I would be okay in other posts, but truth be told I didn’t really believe it, I couldn’t imagine it. Now I know I will. Being okay is a choice. I will be okay, and I will celebrate these things that I do have. I will celebrate my life. It is a life worth celebrating, and I’m going to figure out how to do just that. It will take me time, I will be uncertain and afraid along the way, but I will find my way. There is no other choice. I have begun.

The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda

Comments

  1. Yes dear Maitri, I have felt the same way. I was hearing about how to build your business and taking some seminars. “Find your niche” they said. I tried. I did the newsletter route, had a contest for a free reading and those who won never claimed their reading. So I knew they weren’t reading the newsletter. I quit. Wasn’t worth my time or effort. I did other things, including 3 groups that I thought would be helpful. They weren’t. So I got to the place you are now. I know it makes me wonder too. Why? But I also know that posting lovely things on Facebook and supporting people is doing my part. If I didn’t lose my email address I would quit my web page. No I am not depressed just had enough. You are enough. All those lovely things you did today are enough. I hope you find your way around not being able to make more money because of losing money. That really does not seem fair at all. I hope you can find peace. You ARE enough !!!

    Much love, Jean

    • Dear Jean, of course I understand this all so well. You know, it begins to make me angry, what is it with 101 webinars — we can’t go through our news feed on Facebook, Instagram, or anywhere else without a ton of these webinars coming up that are supposed to make us RICH! SUCCESSFUL! and more. They can make you feel inadequate if you have tried and not succeeded and of course there are all of the “Free” webinars that are really just short programs set up to get you to buy their real program for often thousands of dollars. How are real people making it in the world? It makes no sense to me, and I am done. Now I will look at my sweet little life and I will embrace it. And no I don’t have all the answers but maybe for tonight just one or two will suffice. For tonight it is enough.

      And thank you for being there dear Jean, I love you dearly and appreciate, more than I can say, your being here, your coming and commenting. In this way we help one another. In this way we are BOTH enough…

  2. you have hot and cold running water, a roof over your head, food in your frig.
    think about that, maitri. and you have this blog. your words, your process, your pilgrimage, going out as a voice to reach others, to be heard, to teach, and to learn as you go. what a beautiful gift. we are so fortunate to have you with us

    xo
    ka

    • Thank you sweet Ka, and yes, I am grateful for so many things. And it may not be the life I imagined but it is the life that I have. Finally accepting, appreciating, and loving what we have is the only sane way to live and be. It’s a shame it can take us so long to discover this, but finally, at long last, I am finding my way there. Thank you for being such an important part of my life. I love you dearly. I am so fortunate to have you in my life there simply are no words. Thank you honey, thank you so so very much…

      M. xoxox

  3. Hi Maitri. We all struggle. We feel the power within and figure it must need a huge arena to be displayed. I have been fighting in my head about this for years. My “purpose”! Looking for a “sign” that I am on the right path. Today I feel like Jean in her comment above. I’ve had enough. I need to stop jumping on every perceived “opportunity”. I love reading your posts because I get a lot of peace out of your descriptions of the simple things- like coffee in the morning. We can be enough in just the day to day……..

    • Bless you Lorraine.

    • Thank you dear Lorraine. Our “purpose” can be a difficult thing to discover, but today, talking to my dear friend, to my daughter, taking care of my babies here, feeding the wildlngs, writing this post, it all made for a full day, and it was enough. And it will BE enough, it has to. When we don’t accept and love the life we have we are constantly fighting our way upstream, never at rest, never at peace, and where does that get us? Tonight I have these precious moments of answering those of you who took the time to write to me here before I go to bed, I will carry your words with me as I go, and I feel blessed that each of you took the time. I will get my dogs out, get ready for bed and curl up with them. We will have our quiet evening and tomorrow we will start another day. And these things are precious, and they have value, and they are enough. I’m glad, as I turn 64, that I am realizing this, and that I will not waste the rest of my life fighting what is and being depressed that it isn’t more. There is so much beauty here and tonight I am deeply grateful. Thank you for being here with me…

  4. Hey Maitri, I know life has not turned out as you would have hoped for, but every day I really enjoy reading about your life and how you live just so soullfully. In the era in which we live where its not considered ok to be less than perfect I take heart in your honest self portrayal, a woman who has come full circle and enjoys the small trappings of life with caretaking of beautiful animals and a colorful garden. You must realise by now that you are a life enhancing person with all wonder joy and enrichment that is your invitation for others to try. I never made it big either but had wealthy men seeking me out only to realise that it was I with all I had to offer was the truly wealthy one. Needless to say I did not get a cent, not that I was after anything but my “energy” was not reciprocated. I did not take them to court. These greedy men were the true beggars of life even though they had a stash of money which I never got to see. Anyway on the scale of mercantilism my efforts never went far. I just think some people are just are destined to do all and be all and achieve great heights but end up living empty vacuous lives surrounded by money and nothing else. Your cup is full Maitri. I had to tell myself this even though I am poor, am with illhealth but life has delivered the type of abundance these men craved. I hope you are able to make some kind of money I have often wondered how I would do this myself but I am answerable to social security and just eek out a small existence with all the regulations and stipulations. My health fails me yet in my body I feel a welling up of wholeness inside. I have come to a point of surrender where I just accept that this is the way it is and I have to move with the current marked out for me by forces with the type of enlargening effect on my life which marks me out for my own uniqueness. You are a wonderful person Maitri and its rare for someone to touch lives so deeply in this day and age where relationships “outlive their usefulness” where people become “commodified” and life is just purely about “extracting benefit” to the exclusion of true relationship

    • Leeanne what a kind and meaningful comment, thank you so much. Each day I get up and do my best. Today it is dark and rainy but I have just sat down here with my coffee, my sweet puppies, I am texting my dear friend and also my daughter and they are sending me lovely notes, and I have come here to your message which touches me deeply and means the world to me. I appreciate it so much. And I wish you well on this complicated journey we are on. You have a good attitude, you are an inspiration to me. I hope you have a good day, I hope there are little joys and bright spots along the way.

      Just now the birds are singing, even in the rain. We will make it through another day…

  5. Victoria SkyDancer says

    So since I didn’t get a chance to shoot you an email this weekend, I will share some of my thoughts here…
    First, the Comparison Monster will be our undoing if we allow it. Measuring one’s life against others’ lives is a sure-fire way to unending Insanity and Despair. So every time I find myself using one of those measuring sticks, I burn it!
    Getting Rich Quick has been one of the great lures of advertising and marketing practically since time immemorial. Nine times out of ten, if I see one of these ads in my Instagram feed, I delete it. Even if I save it, I promptly forget about it and whatever offer was floated my way has probably long since expired. (LOL) But yes, the pull to Monetize Everything in Our Lives is a strong one right now, since everyone’s dream is to work for themselves, IMO. It’s also part of the Cultural Conditioning that makes us wonder what’s “wrong” with us if we don’t do it “perfectly.” It takes some time and discipline to unlearn this Nonsense.

    Now for some insights I can share from my own journey through the Underworld…
    The monetary limits for Medicaid (Medi-Cal here in CA) DO allow for SOME wiggle room. If the research feels too daunting, perhaps someone you trust could do the research for you and give you the results. For what it’s worth, Medi-Cal is great for my mother (who is now 76), but not so hot for me. I might be able to get health care through the VA when Jonathan wins his case, but even if I can’t, I’ll be able to pay my own way, with help from the Covered California subsidies. That’s what I did while I was working, because the insurance my workplace offered wasn’t worth the piece of paper it was written on.
    As for the spiritual part of it – it took me a looooong time to move into Acceptance of what my life looks like now; situational depression took me into unprecedented depths! However, I began to use a mantra last year: “I transform my Fear into Faith,” and repeated it until I actually started to believe it. It also happens to be true – I see more options for managing my finances when I look through the lenses of Faith than I do when I look through the lenses of Fear. Easier said than done sometimes, but Worth The Effort. Besides, I personally don’t believe we live through the tough times only to be dropped upon our asses after the trials are over. I’m working now to meet my Higher Power halfway; so far, so good!

    • Oh Victoria, thank you for all of this, all of it. I read this after I had tried to go to sleep last night, couldn’t, got on my phone and off, on and off, tried and tried, finally read these last couple of comments around 3 a.m. I was so deeply moved but too tired to write. This morning I am tired after a restless night, but I am okay. I have just sat down here with my coffee and my babies. It is a dark and rainy day. I am going to try to use your mantra, “I transform my fear into faith.” It is powerful indeed. And I like your notion that you “personally don’t believe we live through the tough times only to be dropped on our asses…” I’d like to believe that’s true. I will hold onto that as well. Thank you so much for taking the time to write all of this. It will be with me in my heart all day.

      I am sending you so much love honey and a warm hug. Somehow we will make it through. Today is another day, I’m up, I’m here, I will carry on…

  6. I listen to Rachel Maddow the morning after the broadcast and am hooked.

    This post really resonates with me. They all do, but this one especially so. I, too, have called it quits with all the bright, shiny baubles that will make millionaires of us all. They don’t fit who I am. Ignoring them makes me happy. I am grateful for this small life of mine, for the dear ones who enrich my days, for the chance to write and take photographs and share bits and pieces in different ways. And I am grateful for the trust and openness you share with the world. We are all on a roller coaster ride through life, but few are so adept at sharing it the way you do.

    • Thank you so much dear Cathryn…

      You know the millionaire paradigm never fit with my heart. I, too, longed to have abundant income so that I wouldn’t have to be afraid, so I could help my children, take care of my animals and other little ones in need but I have never been able to align myself with all I’d need to do to get there. I used to feel badly, like I wasn’t able to do it because I am a broken person and somehow not capable. Now I realize it’s just because I am not in alignment with the marketing and strategies and ways of doing business that these people push. It’s just not me.

      The work that you do, your writing and photography and books that you’ve published are so marvelous Cathryn, they must bring you great joy, they are a delight to see. And you honor me with your kind words about my writing. I want so much to publish a book, I always have, but perhaps my work here on this blog will have to suffice, for now anyway. If I am able to reach or touch or help others through this blog that will be something. You have made my heart happy with your kind words, they are a gift to me. Thank you so much dearheart. I am sending you love and a gentle warm hug. May we each find our place in the universe and shine a light from where we are…

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