Nights can be scary in the best of times. During the day you can call someone, you can, if you are of a mind, invite someone over, or go see them. I am not much of a goer and doer outside the home but it is a possibility. But as night draws nigh all of the doors to the outside world begin to close. Suddenly you are alone. The walls close in. It is you and your thoughts. And when sleep doesn’t come it is like walking the scary streets of your mind alone with no one and nothing in sight. That’s how I felt last night.
And then there is the issue of the “blue light” coming from computers and t.v. screens and how you are supposed to avoid it, but if you live alone, if you are afraid, if these electronic devices are your only connection to the outside world, what then?
Yesterday after I left therapy and went to Costco to shop I bought a bottle of Melatonin. Geoff, the P.A. who manages my meds, gave me the okay to try some but he didn’t know how much to tell me to take. He said some people do okay on very little and some need much more. At a recent keto gathering the nurse who worked with Dr. Atkins for decades recommended 5 mg. of melatonin to help regulate sleep. I got a bottle of 5 mg dissolvable tablets. I took one at 11:30, nothing. I took another one at 1, nothing. Finally I took one at 3 and had no results at all. I woke up every hour on the hour all night long. I was afraid to take more. Today I am wrung out. In the night, unable to sleep, I just want my Tanner back. Of course that’s not possible. And then I get terrified something will happen to my other babies. And then everything under the sun looms large and frightens me. By 8 I felt hopeless and exhausted. I finally rested a bit between 8 and 10 holding on to Pugsley and Delilah. Finally we got up. I have been moving through the hours as if being dragged from the back of a car. Everything hurts.
Finally I just don’t know what to say here. I’m sure you are all getting tired of hearing about me going through the grieving process, but what else am I supposed to do? This time last week Tanner was still here and they were joyful days because Aaron, Stephanie and the baby were here. I am, now, as if railing at life, bumping up against tables and walls and things like a ball cast onto a bumper pool table. I have plants and bulbs that came and need to be planted out of the box on the kitchen counter but I just can’t do it. It is all too much. There are too many feelings and too few words. I am writing what I can here as a record. I know, in the end, I will make it through this, I have been through it before. But while every loss is heartbreaking when it happens some losses are harder in the way that they happened. Tanner was the baby, he seemed to be in good health, and then, suddenly, and unexpectedly, he was gone.
It is only 3:30 in the afternoon and I am already dreading the night ahead. It almost seems easier to stay up all night than to try and not be able to sleep. I spent hours on amazon looking at all different forms of melatonin (There are too many different forms and dosages and I finally just gave up.) My dear daughter-in-law Stephanie wants me to try CBD oil but I am afraid of that, I don’t understand it, and it’s expensive, too expensive for me. Her mother used to take Ambien I think it was and now sleeps really well using a few drops of CBD oil at night. People rave about it. It is a whole new world but I am older now and these things are beyond my ken.
I wish I could say something of value, I wish I didn’t feel so useless and hopeless as each word goes down here but so I do. I am going to stop here, and you have my most sincere apologies. Grief takes time, it’s hard to even be here now, but I made a commitment over 200 days ago to do this and I won’t stop now. Forgive me for my feeble effort. It’s the best I can do right now.
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
sweetie, no need to ask forgiveness. you showed up. you shared your awful sleepless night with us. you shared that there are bulbs and seeds you wish you had the energy to put in the ground… maybe you will tomorrow. do NOT let the flowers die, maitri!
you owe it to yourself and your two darling pugs to bring good cheer to your yard and home. tanner’s spirit will accompany you. i think you know this to be true.
and, in the meanwhile, draw a sad lady. let your paints help you through this.
xo
ka
Thank you Katya, and I won’t let the flowers die. Most of them are bulbs which if it takes me a few days will be okay but I am about to feed Pugsley and Delilah their dinner at 6:30 and will take the actual plants out and get them in their pots on the deck this evening. I’m having to push myself hard but this is tonight’s baby step. I wish I could make art, I thought about it last night but I just couldn’t. Each day comes and I will do my best.
There is something that occurred to me as I was trying to rest with the babies today, and that is that yes, this grief about Tanner is wicked hard, I am just so lost and in such pain, but somehow his sudden loss has opened the door on very deep fear about other losses and they have all nearly taken me down. How to handle one loss at a time without being swallowed up whole. That is the struggle now, and will perhaps be tomorrow’s blog post.
When I couldn’t sleep I read more of your book. It is helping me hold on…
M. xoxox
The melatonin you buy over the counter Maitri is practically useless. I read this. You have to really get a prescription through your doctor to buy the official version. The amount of melatonin in the over the counter is so small that it would deliver nil effect. In my country melatonin is $30 a box and they only supply you enough for I think a month as you really should not be taking it long term. I would advise getting outdoors in the midday sun for up to an hour or longer with your sunhat on and no sunglasses. It will allow for your own natural melatonin to work at night. That is what I do. Also ensure that you have proper sleep hygeine – you may want to look that up on the internet
Thank you for sharing and for thinking of me Leeanne, I will bear these things in mind…
Dear Maitri, I’m so sorry you’re having such a rough time. I really do feel for you. I can understand some of what you’re going through, we rescued cats the way you rescued your sweet pugs, we’ve had ten cats over the years. I know how loss feels and how hard it can be, especially sudden unexpected loss the way it was with Tanner, the pain in your heart, the way you feel you can’t breathe.
I don’t really know how to comfort you but I had a thought. How about planting your yard in honor of Tanner? You mentioned how much he used to love it out there. His spirit is still there. Make it beautiful in his memory. It’s just a thought.
Sending you much love, I hope you can get some rest tonight. xxx
Thank you so much dear Jenny, and what a lovely way to put it, planting my yard in honor of Tanner who loved it so much. He did indeed. That does help, thank you honey. The other pugs love it too. And I’m sorry for the loss of your cats and bless you for rescuing them. So many babies need good homes. I wish I had the money to take in more, I will never have more than 2 again, the vet bills are just too much. But I will cherish and adore my babies with all my heart. They are my world here. I hope I can sleep tonight too. Thank you honey…
Oh Maitri, of course you are grieving, and you know it takes time ❤️❤️ No I am not tired of reading your feelings. What if you decided to stay at night and sleep later in the morning? It’s okay you know. Maybe not to worry if you can about not being able to sleep at night might take the pressure off. Maybe not, just a suggestion. I know how one fearful thought can lead to a whole lot of others. It’s like hamsters on a wheel. Try to be kind and loving to yourself as you go through this.
Love, Jean ❤️❤️
Thank you Jean, and you know, it’s so funny, I have usually gotten off the computer close to 11, and then curled up with the babies and watched the news programs I like on my phone not ever much going to sleep until close to 1 but since Tanner died it’s like I get really tired, much earlier, start dozing off, and then suddenly wake up and can’t go to sleep. Its as though my system is all messed up but oh how right you are, hamsters on a wheel. Dear God that is it exactly. And as I wrote to Katya above I realized just this afternoon that the loss of Tanner, nearly unbearable, is made much worse because it has somehow compounded and other losses that I fear have gotten all bundled up together with his loss and it is just almost a sense of out of control overwhelming loss. In a way, and I know this sounds maybe odd, but losing him the way I did somehow makes me feel unsafe in the world, nothing feels safe, my whole life feels as though it will never be right again. Perhaps this is a normal part of the grieving process, I don’t know, but it has all grown monstrous big and bigger than I can manage. I feel as though I am collapsing under the weight of it all. I am trying so hard to get a handle on it and it feels like I never will.
Thank you for being there Jean, it helps so much to see you there. I appreciate you more than I can say…
Love,
Maitri
There’s no need for apologies, dear Maitri. You are here. You wrote. That is enough for today. I hope you get some sleep tonight and that tomorrow is a more gentle day for you.
Thank you dear Moira, you are very kind. And yes, I did what I could. Now I am going to get Pugsley and Delilah their dinner and plant the plants in pots on the deck that need immediate planting. As Katya said above, “Don’t let the flowers die.” No of course not. What kind of tribute to Tanner would that be? I must soldier on for these babies and for the living growing things. And I will. On I go…
I can’t add anything different from my fellow responders except you are so hard on yourself, Maitri. I am on your blog because I want to be here, sharing your journey with you. You are so brave to strip your emotions bare as you do and you are so honest and real. May the Lord bring you comfort and peace. Memarge:)
Thank you so much Marge and I really appreciate what you are saying here. You know when you blog daily you really have nothing to write about but your own life and experience that day and after such a terrible loss and the encumbent prolonged period of grief there’s nothing else one can write about, but I worry that people get tired of hearing it. You’ve made me feel better. Thank you honey.
A good night’s sleep won’t return sweet Tanner, but it will give you a brighter outlook. You will always ride the roller coaster, dear Maitri, but the thing about roller coasters is they always rise between the downhill swoops. And even when your roller coaster is hurtling downhill, you write like a dream.
Oh Cathryn you are always so kind about my writing, thank you so much. And I do hope I can sleep tonight, it makes everything, even when really sad, a little easier to bear. Exhaustion amplifies grief. But I did get out and plant some things in the pots on the deck, in Tanner’s honor. His little spirit is with me everywhere as it will be as time goes on. I will take each day as it comes.
Love to you dearheart…
Maitri
I find that the loss of Family, be they two or four legged, has a unique and terrible way of splitting us down to the core; the more unexpected the loss, the more intense the split. We are reminded just how tenuous this whole experience is, and in our jangled state, of course the Night Mares will run amok.
Our solution has been to persist, to defy the negative Fear by forging ahead, sometimes very slowly, but always choosing to continue to participate in the experience. Sometimes we need our friends who have good Night Vision to help guide us through the dark. I see you have several of those friends here. 🙂
Thank you so much dear Victoria, I have just gotten off a face to face live call I’ve been on this evening with my dear friend that I meet with weekly and it helped me so much. The thing is that I am so alone here for the most part, weeks go by that except for going to therapy for an hour on Wednesday and maybe getting groceries I don’t see anybody at all. The pugs literally ARE my whole world here from the time I wake up, all day long, and they sleep with me at night. Tanner was such a present part of my world all day long that his absence is felt in sharp relief. To spend the evening even on a screen with another person talking live helped me get a bit out of the abyss of loss and loneliness here. But it is night, and the hours ahead are scary.
But the friends right here who answer, who are present for me here, well, you all help more than you will ever know and I appreciate it more than I can say. Thank you for being here honey, just as I close things out for the night. I am hugging you hard and holding your hand from here. I will make it through this. We do, one way or another. This, too, shall pass.
I love you sweet V., take care honey…
Maitri
Maitri, the best melatonin you can buy OTC is by the brand: “Pure Encapsulations” its what health gurus recommend. You will have more luck with it than the other companies that cut corners and deliver ineffective products, available via Amazon. I simply forgot about it and it was brought to my attention today. But if you can get enough sunlight at midday your natural melatonin should be going at night xxoo
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