The Experiment: Day 201 ~ On Grief, Faith, And The Balm Of A Good Book…

The Wheel Of Belonging is available from Katya Sabaroff Taylor
through her Creative Arts & Healing website…

It has been 4 days since Tanner died. It’s odd writing that because 4 nights ago, at this time, he was still with me.  Grief is such a complicated process. I woke up this morning feeling that while still very sad I was perhaps getting a handle on things. I got up, got the little ones out and fed them their breakfast, made coffee and sat down here at my desk and then like being knocked down by a tidal wave I was wailing, sobbing uncontrollably, the tears that feel that they have no end. This was followed by a period of being very quiet and feeling kind of confused as though I couldn’t quite understand what had happened. Surely it wasn’t true, Tanner was still here somewhere? It didn’t seem real. But of course it is real, and I began crying again. These are early days still and the loss of my baby cuts so deep I can barely breathe all the while knowing that I must get myself together and move forward.

The day progressed slowly, as if there were too many hours, as if I were slogging knee deep through wet sand. Delilah and Pugsley stay very close. We go outside, we come back in, I sit and stare. Finally I decided I would take a nap and when I couldn’t go to sleep I got up and scanned the bookshelves for something to read. My eyes rested on a book I read several years ago and I knew that it was just what I needed. It was written by my dear friend of nearly 40 years, Katya Sabaroff Taylor. She is an incredible writer, teacher, and has been a mentor and muse for me. When she left the Roanoke, Virginia area I took over her  journal classes at Roanoke College and we have stayed in touch for decades. This book, “The Wheel of Belonging” is a collection of Faith columns she wrote for the newspaper and sermons that she gave at the Unitarian Church.

The quote on the back of the book sums it up… “What does a Jewish Unitarian Zen-inspired poet (raised as an atheist) have to say about Faith? Where does she — and where do you — fit on the Wheel of Belonging? She’s found it takes Faith to ask the question…”

As I began to read my whole body relaxed. I snuggled in my big recliner with a soft blanket and my 2 sweet pugs and read for over an hour. I wanted to highlight everything. Katya’s writings brought me back to earth, back to myself, gave me something to hold onto. They are personal, profound, universal. There is something here for everyone.

In “Remember Decembers Past, Embrace The Promise Of The Season,” she writes…

“All of life is now in its glory and sadness, in its reaching,
desperate hopefulness and its promise of fulfillment.
Smile and help a stranger. Hold your family close,
embrace your friends…”

These words rose up off the page as a dictum, a directive, telling me that amidst this sadness that feels unbearable there is so much here in this world, perhaps I can touch a stranger through this blog, and I surely do want to hold my family close, want to embrace my friends…

And she writes, in “Contemplating Life, Death, Love, and Open-Heart Surgery”…

“I don’t know whether I’l see you in heaven, Dad, or even
if there is a heaven. But I do know what love is. And I’m
certain that nothing, not even death, can take that away.”

Tears ran down my cheeks as I read these words. I do believe in heaven, and further, I believe that when one day I pass on I will see all the little animals I have loved and shared my life with there. Tanner will be there to greet me, and he and all the others know how deeply and dearly I loved them. Death cannot take that love away. My love for Tanner and all of my other babies who have left this earth is a living, palpable thing. It is all around me here. That brings me comfort, to think of that undying love. Its presence in my life and the love that I feel for my family and friends carries me, will carry me. This is what will help me make it through.

I’ll close with this passage from “Finding Faith in the Compelling Mystery of Day-To-Day Life”…

“Perhaps it is strange that what gives me faith, in the end,
is the mystery of it, the compelling unknowingness that
shimmers around each daily act and supposition and
choice I make. God only knows why, in the end, I’m here,
doing what I’m doing, one day at a time, with my family,
friends, and community, on this troubled yet enduring
and generous planet. But every now and then I think I
know, and I hug hard to me the fleeting truth: ‘This is the
adventure of your lifetime. Hang on, breathe deep, and
honor the ride.'”

It’s a bumpy ride just now dear Ka, but I am holding on, and I will hold on, and somehow I will make it through.

The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda

Comments

  1. Love for you, in memory of Tanner.

  2. what an honor, to have my book highlighted in your column, maitri, and to know it has provided solace and inspiration to you. for those who want more info, go to my website, click on Other Publications, and on the thumbnail of Wheel of Belonging.

    May you be stimulated and comforted by my attempts to make sense out of faith, and life, and the pure miracle of being.

    xo ka

    • Oh dear Ka I was so happy to share this beautiful book of yours, and the link under the cover of the book takes people right to the page where The Wheel of Belonging is listed. I wanted it to be easy for people to get there. And yes, this book is such a comfort to me. It is such a treasure, I wish everyone would get a copy. It’s a book to have near you always.

      Sending you much love sweet friend. Thank you for sharing your writings in this beautiful book…

      M. xoxox

  3. Julia Ferry says

    you are a pearl my dear Maitri … a pearl is pure, a pearl is beautiful inside and out .. and the beauty of white nacre is a quiet beauty that softens the heart …

    you are pure
    you are beautiful inside and out
    you have a quiet beauty that softens the heart…

    I lost my Uncle John who was married to my Aunt Pic.. Aunt Pic was amy mothers twin…
    Uncle John and Aunt Pic fell in love in the third grade… and were married for over 60 years.. When Auntie passed a year ago on my birthday .. we all knew how much he missed her.. so was no surprise that he would leave us to go to her… his broken heart and body shut down .. I too find myself weeping when I least expect it… that is mourning.. the energy that connected us is gone and it leaves a hole …. it heals but sometimes it tears open …

    The way you love directly from the heart to all of us .. that is beauty…. love you Maitri

    • Oh Julia, honey…

      I am so deeply touched by what you’ve written to me here, thank you so much.

      And I’m so sorry about the loss of your aunt and uncle. It is sad and hard when you get to the time of your life when all, or most, of the old folks are gone. I am the older generation now. My grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles are all gone except one elderly aunt that I haven’t been in touch with for a long time. Cousins are scattered and not in touch. It is sad. When I was growing up there was a lot of family and we regularly got together. Today people are scattered to the winds and few if any of the older ones are left.

      I so appreciate you coming here and leaving such a kind and beautiful comment. My love to you dearheart…

      Maitri

  4. Thinking of you often Maitri and sending you love.

  5. Thank you for sharing! These days I save all of your blog posts for “the day” when my Ben will go. The thought frightens me, even though he seems perfectly fit for a dog of 11 years.
    No words for all of that.
    A big hug to you
    Silke

    • Oh dear Silke, I’m glad the posts have meant something to you. It’s helped me to write them. And I hope Ben is with you for a very long time as I hope my little Delilah and Pugsley are with me. It was such a terrible shock with Tanner because he was my baby, he’d only have been 9 next month. For him to have gone so suddenly without months of illness or suffering was surely best for him but a terrible shock to me. I find comfort in him not going a slow hard way but this is just so hard. Thanks for the hug, I need them so much right now. I am sitting here shaky and so sad…

  6. Hugs. xxx

  7. Loss is difficult, regardless of circumstance. Just thinking about our previous two wonderful Goldens and the end of their lives brings snuffles, thinking about how hard it is to lose them, and how difficult it is for you and your other two in these early days.

    But Chessie and Mocha were great dogs and had wonderful lives, and we always talk about Woody’s spirit brothers, as Chessie’s was Mocha’s before. I don’t believe in heaven, nor in any sort of afterlife, but have a profound respect for spirit and memory.

    Our memories stay with us, and I do have a sense of the spirit of people and pets that are gone being with me. Tanner’s spirit will be with you in the garden, too, as you continue to honor him.

    Sending love and hugs,
    LW

    • Thank you so much dear Lisa. I like to think of Tanner’s spirit being with me in the garden. He absolutely loved being outside, he was in and out all day and would roam around the yard, run around, smelling all the great smells, barking at dogs he could hear in the neighborhood. He was in and out so often that the night that he went out and died I didn’t think anything of it when he went out at 10. it was just Tanner being Tanner, but he went out there to die and never came back in. It just haunts me that he died out there alone, I wish I could have held him while he crossed over, but that is not what an animal wants. He died outside in the big yard he loved so well, he found peace in nature, and it’s where he chose to go. I have to make peace with that somehow, it was his choice, but I miss him so much and right now it is heartbreakingly hard.

      Thank you for the love and hugs, they mean so much always but especially now…

      Maitri

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