Hiding is my natural state of being. I am the Oz behind the curtain. It started when I was young.
When I was 9 years old, living in abuse and terrified, I would come home from school and run outside to an old stand of forsythia bushes. They were huge and overgrown and backed up on a hillock. There was an area that had been hollowed out by weather and time and I would hide in there with my little red spiral notebook and write like mad. Writing saved my life then and continues to to this day. No one knew about this place or was allowed in with me besides my dog. Not much has changed.
Now I sit here working from the time I sit down with my coffee until I am ready to get off the computer to get ready for bed at night, save stopping here and there to take care of the dogs or do little household things that need doing. This is where I am safe. And I work long and hard to bring all the gifts I have to bear, in the way that I can, into a form and a forum that I believe that I can use to help others because I really do want to help. I want to be of service. I care deeply. I spend a lot of time answering people online and it means a lot to me to do so, and all of the work that I have done in my life and all of the things that I can do that I believe have merit I am weaving together right now into something that I believe will be very special, but I have to make a clear distinction between what I have to offer online and what I have to offer in person. This became an issue today and it has upset me so that I had to remove the blog post I was going to write and write this one just to try to sort out my feelings and I am teary sitting here trying to do just that.
What I simply cannot bear is when I am asked to do something with someone that I am not comfortable doing, and I make my feelings very clear, and still end up being asked, “But couldn’t you just… or maybe you could…” When I was little boundaries were crossed. When I said no it didn’t mean no to the other person. When it happens today I want to scream at the top of my lungs almost hysterically. I realize that this is not the best solution, but, too, the most damaging times in my life with my mother — which went on until months before she died in 2009 — were when she wanted me to do something with or for someone else and I just couldn’t. She would not take no for an answer and when I stayed firm in my resolve not to do the particular thing that she wanted she railed and abused me in such a terrible way verbally I still cringe and get teary thinking about it. Now, I will tell you, when I say no goddammit I mean NO. I’m sorry for the language but this has me so upset I am beside myself.
There is a reason I have created a safe haven for myself here, a reason I rarely ever let someone close to me in person, and the reason I will zealously protect my privacy. I feel absolutely crazy over this in this moment. I know that I sound way too crazy to share this publicly here but you know what? I’m going to, I’m just going to, because right now I need to be heard.
I need to be heard and I need to say it BECAUSE OTHER WOMEN SUFFER FROM THIS TOO. Our “No’s ” are not heard and respected, we are not supposed to say no, we are supposed to absolutely do anything and everything we are asked for another person no matter what the cost to us and I just won’t take it anymore and I don’t want YOU to either. If you are reading this and you know what I mean, if you have ever cowered and cried because when you said no someone kept pushing you and wouldn’t listen, please know that that is NOT okay, that you not only have the right to say no but that you should not have to say it more than once.
No, I can’t do that. It’s a simple sentence, and it should be enough. When it isn’t I nearly go crazy because I wasn’t heard when I was little and I paid a terrible price. I wasn’t heard as an adult and was berated and literally cut to ribbons emotionally by my mother even as she was dying of cancer. And the most terrible thing of all is that she was a wonderful person to other people, I was the object of her rage, so nobody believed me. But not 6 months before she died she did it in front of my dear friend Jeff. HE heard it and he couldn’t believe his ears it was so awful. And when he tried to share it with other family members, being protective of me, they did not want to hear it. They wouldn’t believe that she had said such things. I thank God that one person in all of my life saw the truth, heard the truth. It has been life-saving for me that he heard it. It saved me in more ways than I can say.
Right this moment my whole system is erupting in tears and I am shaking. This is a dangerous place for me to be. I am going to stop here. If my own blog isn’t a safe space for me to vent then no place is. I have said what I needed to say and I will say no more, I simply haven’t the energy. Now I am going to go back behind the curtain, with my notebook and pen, with my dogs. This is it for today. I have no more. Some days I long to go hide behind the forsythia bushes again. This is one of those days.
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
Oh my dear Maitre I’m so sorry you had the day you’ve had. Have a restful evening and a good night’s sleep. I’m hoping you will wake feeling better.
Thank you so much Moira, the day started out okay but turned into a very hard one. Honestly, it’s making me question everything. So it especially means a lot to me that you were here, and answered so quickly with such tender support. I really needed it honey. I cannot thank you enough.
With love,
Maitri
I really wish I could hug you right now hunni! I too had my nos ignored as a child and I have a very strained relationship with my mother. Today has been very tearful and emotional for me also, perhaps there is something in the air?! I’m so glad you have this safe space to write and connect with others. Keep doing you Maitri. 💜
Thank you so much dear Sarah, tell you what, I’ll take that hug with much gratitude and I’m sending you one right back. When your no’s are ignored as a child it really leaves a mark, and mother issues, oy, ouch, wince. I’m so sorry honey. And I’m so so sorry it’s been such a hard day for you. I don’t know if something is in the air but I am feeling as fragile as a china teacup, the kind you can see right through. And I appreciate, more than I can say, that despite having written a post that makes me sound more than a little insane I have received love and support when I needed it badly. That is more precious than all the diamonds in the world. I’ll keep doing me, you keep doing you too honey…
Witnessing.
Your mother had no right to verbally and physically abuse you. It sounds like well-meaning(?) people don’t understand so they try to solve a problem in THEIR way. May you continue to say “No, I can’t do that.” If they ignore that, it makes sense to disengage.
May you find the calm you need, especially with the pugs.
Oh Kathleen, thank you so much. Your comment moved me to tears because, well, it’s you, and I admire you so much. Would you please say a prayer for me? I could really use it about now. And yes, sometimes disengaging is the only way to sanity. I seem to have lost mine for a bit, but yes, the pugs always bring me back, thank God, and your comment here means more than you could possibly know. Thank you sweet friend…
Always in prayer.
Thank you Kathleen, that means so much to me…
Hey Maitri! Just stopping by to give you a big hug!
Oh thank you so much Mieke honey, I can USE that hug! I am sending you one right back too. I think we all need hugs. I’m very grateful for yours today… 🙂
Dear Maitri,
I’m so sorry things are so rough for you right now. You’ve been through such a lot. You’re a strong, brave woman and you possess tremendous insight. Take a deep breath… you’re safe just where you are. You’re safe.
Sending much love and hugs to you and the pugs, encircling you with metta. xxx
Thank you so much Jenny honey, I appreciate your kindness so much. It means so much more than I can say, and yes, my darling pugs are my saving grace. I’m about to take them out and feed them their dinner now…
Vent away, sweetie. Curl up with a soft blankie and your adorable pugs. Be at peace.
Thank you dear Sandra, I am going to feed the pugs now and take a shower. It will be a gentle evening. I appreciate your support so much…
Thank you dear Maitri for allowing yourself to be so open and vulnerable here. I so understand needing to say NO. We talk a lot about this in our group because it is such an important subject. No is a complete sentence! So proud of you but at the same time empathetic for your pain. Sending you a big hug and lots of love too.
Love, Jean
Thank you so much dear Jean, I was afraid, after I wrote this post, to publish it, but I did. And I’m so glad I did because so many lovely people have commented and I really needed the support. And I’m still somewhere between upset and angry because this is a person that knows me well enough that she should have known not to push me like this. And it has really taken a toll. Yes, NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE! Amen!!! And thank you so much for the hug, it was much needed, very appreciated, and I am sending one right back to you. Thank you honey…
Love,
Maitri
my dear friend, you are working way too hard! you are wearing yourself out! dreams are meant to be manifested, but a human body needs to ease her way forward. you are so motivated and want so much to be able to deliver to your readers/patrons. have you considered taking a so called mental health day???!!! like read a novel? drink a 2nd cup of coffee in the afternoon? paint some of your wonderful ladies. take a hot bath. get your toenails painted?
when you are overwhelmed and raw, then someone can ask you to do something and you say no, and you have no defenses left to shrug it off, to say “so sorry, no can do.” PERIOD. this is a spiritual muscle you will develop, maitri. “I understand what you want me to do, so sorry the answer is still no.” BE CLEAR first within yourself. I know you have alot to overcome, but you are strong and have found your footing. don’t let anyone pull the rug out from under you.
rest, rest, rest! and love thyself. self-empathy it’s called. you are your own mother now, sweetheart. a good, nourishing mother against whose bosom you can cleave!!!
xo
ka
Oh Ka you are so right in every direction, and you know, today I was going to work on the technology because I haven’t for several days but I got so upset I just said, “Chuck it!” And I just about meant all of it! I do need a mental health day and I’m taking one tomorrow. A tech-free day!
And thank you. As I said to Jean I am still angry and upset because this is a person who knows me well enough that she should not have pushed. Part of me still wants to scream. Instead I am doing some chores that need to be done and about to take a shower. No work tonight. And thank you for being here with this wonderful note, I really needed it and I appreciate it more than I can say.
I love you so dearly Ka…
M. xoxox
Dear Maitri, How rude of that person to push! How brave of you to hold your ground! Lots of deep cleansing breaths and stay hydrated. You are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much Lorraine honey. I just answered your comment about the song, and I didn’t know it, I’ll have to look it up. Yes, yesterday when I wrote this it was a very hard day. And now, well, I am very slow today, it feels like that old saying “This is the morning after the day before.” Not as up as I was 2 days ago, not quite as down as I was yesterday. Just moving like a snail through the day today I think. That you for being there honey, you are such a dear…
and that’s all we can do- move forward.
Yes Lorraine, and every little step counts. Night night honey, I’m off for the night…
Not the least bit of insane! Thank you for passionately fighting for all of our NOs to be heard!
Love
Silke
Thank you sweet Silke, I wish that I could just be there and give you a big hug. It feels so good to have you here with me. I am kind of teary reading people’s kind notes here because I am feeling fragile this morning, yesterday took a toll especially because the person involved is someone who is close to me, knows me well, and should certainly have known better not to do that to me. It really hurts, today it still does. But I am sipping my coffee, it is a sunny day, the pugs are snuggled close and the sweet birds are coming and going at the feeders just outside my windows. Today will be a better day, and on I go. Do know how much I appreciate you, how much you mean to me. I hope you have a beautiful day…
Dearest Maitri,
today I had to take Ben to our garden, the beach was so crowded. Friday afternoon and sunshine. And I had overspent my “people-tolerance” for this week. Now we are snuggled up on our sofa.
You know the spoons theory? Yesterday I used up all my spoons for today, so I knew it was time to rest today.
Take good care of yourself, dear!
Silke I not only know about the spoon theory, I wrote about it!
https://maitrilibellule.com/the-spoon-theory-for-mental-illness-notes-on-agoraphobia/
But the thing is that we KNOW things but we forget. That’s why I believe so strongly in a women’s community because we are there to remind one another, support one another, and so on. Further, I’m glad you brought this up because I used WAY too many spoons energetically yesterday and I am still paying the price today so I am going very slowly and that’s fine. I am, however, minding my spoons very carefully today and being vigilant about keeping anyone and anything that would take spoons from me at bay. Today I am the judge of what and how much I will tolerate. I wish I’d done that better yesterday. Sometimes we have to have those days so we remember. Onwards and upwards.
Mind your spoons honey, take care… 🙂
You have every right to have healthy boundaries and every right to say no…and every right to Disconnect if that no is not respected.
Take your time. Enjoy your tech free day. Give your dreams the space they need to Breathe and Mature. Divine Perfect Timing is Yours in all things. 🙂
Thank you so much darling, beautiful Victoria, I appreciate all that you said, it’s so important not only for me to hear it but for you to really feel it as you say it to me, to feel it for yourself in your own life. Women, sadly, are not traditionally good at saying no. It’s hard for us because we are nurturers and caretakers and we want everyone else to be okay, but we can’t give from an empty well which we will surely be if we don’t take care of ourselves first.
And sweetie I never did get an e-mail from you? How odd. I suppose the universe has a hand in this, who knows? Take care honey, I hope all is well in your world…
I think I know what’s up. When I can get in front of my home computer I’ll resend the email. Will also fill you in when I do. 🙂
Thanks sweetie pea, I’ll look forward to it! 🙂
I have this new insight which I will share with you. You are such a wonderful mom, so, what about mentally treating yourself as if you were, literally, one of your own children? Not kindly to yourself as if you were a mom, but kindly as the actual mom you are to your actual children. It’s interesting to me to think about me treating myself the way I do my own cool kid.
Sorry you are having a tough day.
Thank you so much dear Suzanne, I think you’re onto something. 🙂
As I said above women are just so good at taking care of other people often at their own expense. And this is exactly why I believe so strongly in the power of women in community because we need to be reminders for each other, and support for each other. This is such good advice honey, thank you so much for sharing it.
And today, not such a hard day, but still a little “hangover” from yesterday’s hard day. However I kind of hit a wall and in the process woke up to a few things which I will be talking about in the blog post I’m about to do. Sometimes we have to hit a wall before we wake up, at least so it is for me.
Much love to you dearheart, I hope all is well in your world and yes you do have a cool kid, though I still can’t believe how old and grownup she is! I still see that little girl that used to come to some of your yoga classes! 😀
Maitri, I’m really sorry you were pushed to this extent that it brought back such horrid memories. You were truly wonderful to stand your ground for yourself and others. Katya is so right to take a break. You earned it, you deserve it. Sending you a gentle hug. Kate