One of my dearest friends and I recently had a long talk about something. What we were talking about was that place we come to in life when we wonder if anyone could ever love us, warts and all? She, however, is married to a great guy who does love her “warts and all.” She is also considerably younger than I am.
I was married to a wonderful man for 30 years. We had three children that we adore, and today, though apart, we are friends and love our grandchildren dearly as well. He has gone on with his life as well he should have and I have my own life here. It is perhaps more than a bit of an unusual life. I will be 64 at the end of April. I have had a lifetime of challenges that set me apart from the world and though today, healthier and better balanced than I ever have been, well, you know, one wonders what they might really have to offer, if their “package” might be paltry at best and a little too peculiar at worst? And the thing is, I’m not looking. But, well, you know, one does wonder.
And as I sit here with my pugs around me, snorfling and snuffling, and tenderly reach down to caress them, here at the computer with piles of books around me doing the work that is not only my passion but also my heart work, the work that I am dedicated to, have long been dedicated to, the work that really is woven so intricately into the fabric of my days it would be nearly impossible to separate it out, I wonder where another person could possibly fit? When do we come to that place in time where we actually say, with confidence and certainty, “Yes, I will spend the rest of my life alone.” Inasmuch as everything I have said above is true I also know that I’m not there yet.
Yesterday on Facebook a friend, who wrote that she “is a happy and proud single lady who plans to stay that way,” shared something that kind of took me aback.
“People who have been single for too long are the hardest to love,
because they have become so used to being single, independent,
and self-sufficient that it takes something extraordinary to
convince them that they need you in their life.”
That sounds terribly sad to me. I suppose I am self-sufficient because I have to be. I live alone and I love my solitude, my way of living and being and doing things, but I do, at times, get lonely. I don’t really think of myself as independent, which may be strange but there it is, and though the relationships didn’t last and a few ended badly enough to make me afraid to ever try again I loved being in love, loved sharing my life with someone else, loved talking over morning coffee, reading The Sunday New York Times together, watching movies, holding hands, and talking about our dreams. I have a very dear friend who is my oldest and dearest friend. She has a beautiful decades long relationship with her husband and I love to hear about the things they do together. They are an inspiration. I think, I feel, that I don’t want to live out the rest of my life without that, but I surely don’t know how to find it, how to integrate another person into this life I have, and would I really want to? And then there are the warts. And all. And it’s so easy to romanticize this sort of thing. Especially when I know that I have a lot more freedom and peace in my life than a lot of the women I know who would call themselves happily married but struggle with the fact that they never have time alone just to be. They have dreams and envy my life alone, but it comes at a great cost, I can assure you. What is the answer? I do not know.
I wonder if this is an existential quandary? “Crisis” feels too strong a word. But I am at a point in my life where I have been as if waking up from a long sleep, where I am trying to figure out who I am now and what my work is to be in the world. How could I not, also, wonder about this? I am not dead yet. I have feelings, longings, desires. People go on decades longer than where I am now and love, have passionate relationships, get married in their 80’s and 90’s. I think part of it for me is an insecurity born of financial insecurity. What do I have to offer? Many things, but not that. And it feels like I wouldn’t be bringing something of equal value to the table. I was not someone who would have ever “married for money” in the sense of joining with another person just so they could “take care of me,” in fact I gave up the only financial security I had ever known when I left my marriage. I would have to love deeply and passionately and sincerely, even if the other person had more financial means I would have to know that I, too, brought something of great value to the relationship. It is my nature to give, to love, to tenderly care for, to nurture. Is who I am, is what I have to give, enough? I feel very timid and shy just writing that. I fear that I could not ever be enough given my circumstances.
This is huge. This is far too much for one blog post on a Saturday afternoon, but there you are. These questions arise, when they do, because a whole human life is waking up at a time and a place and in a way that spans many areas, and one seeks answers in every direction. It is all so big it overwhelms me, it makes my head ache, but there you have it, it won’t go away. This post, I know, is a rhetorical question. I’m not sure there is an answer.
No, I’m not sure there is an answer, but I had to ask it, I had to put it out there. And so I have, and now I feel very alone, and small, and vulnerable. I think I need to stop here. Yes, that’s enough for today…
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
My longest-surviving aunts fell in love at 81 and 84. Both experienced many happy years on their own. They never stopped believing in love. Keep on believing, Maitri.
Oh Cathryn, how inspiring! I’m so glad that they both found such happiness. And no, I don’t think I could ever stop believing in love. I have the heart of a romantic. Hope springs eternal… 🙂
I am here with you…wondering. A song will come on the radio and I feel, “YES” I do want a loving companion. I am believing that it will happen so naturally for those of us still interested, open and wondering. I had a dream about someone coming to see me last night. I was at my parents house or at a friends house…in loving company. Three times this man dropped by. Three times someone said, “There is someone here to see you”. It felt good and like the beginning of a mutually loving, creative relationship. It informed me that YES I still want this…in the appropriate time that I believe is DIVINE TIMING. The fact that you are asking and wondering leads me to believe that this is true for you also. A Succulent Wild World friend. Mary
Ah sweet Mary, thank you so much for visiting, and yes honey, keep the hope of love alive in your heart. And I, too, believe in Divine Timing. May all of the love and happiness you deserve find their way to you…
it makes total sense, as you are “waking up” to a new self and life, that you should ask all the questions that are in your heart. i remember the great poet rilke wrote, “love the questions”. (here’s the quote:) “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. …
so, yes, you are seeking, but more, you are opening, opening your heart to all that is “unsolved” and waiting patiently for you to discover…
so do not feel small, or shy, but bold and free, to say the truth of your life!
xo
ka
Ah Ka I always loved that quote. “Letters To A Young Poet” is one of my all-time favorite books ever and I have read it many times over the years. It would be a good one to read again. I have been so closed down and walled off and frightened for so long there was not even any time spent imagining that having love in my life might be a possibility again. One never knows what might happen but surely nothing WILL happen if we are not open to it.
And yes I have been small and shy for a very long time but that bold part of myself that surely exists is swimming up from the depths and she is closer every day. Thank you for being here with me on this journey. It becomes more and more exciting to see what a day may bring…
M. xoxox
Don’t feel alone! I guess there are many of us out here pondering the possibilities of falling in love again and then – what? How should I ever integrate someone new into my Alien World? But it might happen. And then we would find out what is the next right step to take.
Second: I think it to be a sign of freedom growing, of switching off survival mode, when we start wondering about being able to give and receive love again. Not agape but eros – the agape kind of love seems to be part of you in all circumstances, even the darkest days.
So love on, dear Maitri!
Have a wonderful Sunday. Over here the seagulls, blue tits and blackbirds start their partnering and nesting thing, singing and dancing in a grey sky.
Ah Silke, how well put — our Alien Worlds! I have created a life over the better part of 20 years that suited me in this little nest I have woven of bits and bobs with room just for me and my animal companions and the parts and pieces of my work, books and so on. It is now a tightly woven tapestry. I think of Sleeping Beauty’s castle where the gates were overgrown with heavy briars and deadly thorns. Who would want to make their way through to a woman who is no longer even a Sleeping Beauty? Where is the prize, the gift, in that? We must, I think, if we are to be brave enough to go on each day, believe, in some small way, that she still exists in there somewhere, that she is worthy of love. If not, then what? And yes my life and work are steeped in agape, it is what I am about. It is as natural as breathing and what I believe I was born to give. To help, to love, to nurture, to spread loving-kindness and compassion. But finally the one who gives hopes to be given to, nurtured and loved herself. I can’t begin to see how it would be possible, but that part of my heart that is still young and full of hope wants that more than I dare allow myself to believe. It is a mystery that is yet to be revealed. And I believe that it is that spark of hope, that dream of eros as you say, that keeps me going yet another day in some small way. If you give that up completely and entirely what are you left with I wonder? Something to ponder anyway…
Much love to you and Ben dear Silke. I am late to answer here today because my dear friend Noni was here for dinner and to spend the night last night, she just left and will be coming back later to help me in the studio. I am getting my answering and a new blog post done between the whiles… 🙂
Take care honey…
Maitri