The Experiment: Day 139 ~ Tonight I Am Doubting Myself…

I am not depressed. I am fine. I am having a moment.

It was a long day. Wednesdays are therapy days, and then a list of errands. As I only usually leave the house this one day a week I try to get everything done that I can. Bank, grocery store, water (We have a water issue here in Wilmington so every week I must stop at the reverse osmosis machine and fill gallon jugs.) And then home to unload it all, take care of the pugs who were sure, as they always are, that I was never coming back and are practically weeping with relief as I walk in the door. (Of course they do this when I leave the house for 2 minutes to get the mail too.) I was going to write this blog post after I got settled but I couldn’t, I just couldn’t. I was tired. I took a nap with the pugs.

The problem was I sounded whiny even to myself. It comes from a place, I believe, when I write a post one day that takes many hours because it is very deep and feels like it really matters and I have expectations about what that might mean and when it doesn’t manifest I feel as though my work simply doesn’t matter. I have tried for 10 1/2 years to build this blog into a real community, answering everyone who responds — and God bless you who do, it just means so much and I appreciate you more than I can say — and hoping that each day more would respond. My mailing list oddly stays about the same, new people join, people leave, I never seem to build the readers that I had hoped for. When I have had so many visitors to the site over more than a decade now why is there not more engagement? What am I doing wrong? Tonight I wondered if, or why, I should continue. I continue because I committed to this 365 day experiment and it matters to me that I finish it. I will. But tonight I wonder whether it really matters at all in the grand scheme of things? It feels like it doesn’t in this moment and for the first time in months I have just sat here and cried.

I’m not one prone to pity parties. I really am not. Oh I have had plenty of depression and I have written about it honestly but truly in that state I am isolated somewhere inside myself, not looking outward to anyone else. I don’t want or need people’s pity, I want to resolve it, heal it, and move on. I will move past this hard night too. (I’m wondering what the moon is up to and if the planets are in some weird alignment? It’s really strange…)

Right now, in the early stages of creating a new kind of life, everything that I do matters, it matters to me that what I write here matters to other people. If it does not why in the world am I doing it? Well, I’m doing it for me as part of my road to wellness, and in that sense it is worth it. But if that’s all it is then I need to readjust my thinking about what my work in the world should be. If I am not able to generate real engagement then I am doing something wrong. Tonight it feels like none of this matters. And it makes me sad.

I’ve said more than I intended to say and I feel more than a little uncomfortable sharing what I have above but the truth is that if I really am mainly doing this for me then I have to say out loud what I’m thinking and feeling, you know, when you “get it down on paper” so to speak, when you get it out, and really look at it, you can more easily figure things out. That’s what I am doing here right now.

There’s a lot more I would like to say but I think I better stop here. I will keep the rest to myself. It is just more doubting and disappointment and I just have to deal and move on. Yes, even when things are worlds better there are still hard times. This is what it is to be human. As I said at the outset I am fine, and I will be fine, and all is well. I am simply having a moment. This, too, shall pass…

 

The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda

If you enjoy this blog a donation would be deeply appreciated to help me continue to bring “Maitri’s Heart” to you. Thank you, and many deep blessings to one and all…

Comments

  1. Julia Ferry says:

    Yes just a moment in time.. we all feel like you feel from time to time. i tend to feel that way when I am in great pain and have to face facts i cant go and do my chores when I want to. I just has a pity party for me an a good cry as to why cant I have longer no pain days .. why only three hours of no pain and then pow .. the pain comes not just a bit at a time but POW.. and I feel real sorry for myself.. and i think hells bells aren’t I a good person .. why cant bad people suffer like i do .. lol then the moment is over my Charlie and my Petie are staring at me sometimes like deer in a headlight, but today Charlie was busying working on our bathroom. He came out and asked if i said something. i said i had a hissy fit .. but it is over now sorry .. Guess what he said to me? You are entitled to have one every now and then .. lol So my dear sweet Maitri you are allowed also.

    • Thank you so much dear Julia yes, we all have our moments. The important thing is to realize that they are just that, “moments,” and that they will pass. Mine are passing. I am quiet and reflective today but better than I was last night. It is as Christian mystic Julian of Norwich wrote in the 14th century, “All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well” and they surely shall. I’m sending you love and a gentle warm hug dear Julia. I wish for you gentle days full of love and ease…

  2. You Know Dear Maitri it is through this Blog that I have come to know and respect you for the person you are. You show up and make things count. You of all people could have just given in and said I am not doing it any more and yet you show up…..You show up when your down, when your up and when you really don’t want to show up. I for one look forward to your posts each and everyday. I don’t always commit on a post but for sure I do read it and think about it. You give me things to think about , you give me reason’s to be Thankful and you give me a reason to show up as well. Thanks You for you……And Thank You for being a friend, at least I feel you are a friend to me…..if thats not being to forward….Hugs..JIM

    • Sweet Jim, of course we are friends. I appreciate you so much. And I appreciate you being here with me, and your kind words mean so much. I will never forget what you did for me, sending that magical box. My little pug suitcase stays on my kitchen counter, I want it always to be a focal point in my life, and all the other precious gifts are here and there all over my house. Soon I will be putting my pink lights up! I am so excited.

      I know you have hard days and times. I wish I could make things easier for you. Just know that I am here, and I care, and I always shall. Blessings and love to you dear Jim…

      Maitri

  3. Victoria SkyDancer says:

    A seed planted today doesn’t become a mature plant overnight.

    I’ve seen your journey shift several times over the years, and there have been adjustments each time. This isn’t any different, really. You were also not really in a position to do ANY sort of work for several years, so give yourself a break.

    Take a moment to sit with the doubt and see what’s really going on; where is the Pressure to Perform coming from? Find the source, address your fear as you would a friend asking you for help, then keep going.

    Baby steps over time will produce big results, and those who resonate with your message will find you, and stick around. You got this. 🙂

    • Thank you so much darling Victoria and you are SO right, with everything you say. You know I have a problem in the fact that even when I was going through the worst of the worst I never stopped trying to communicate here, to answer people on FB, to give as much of myself as I could which has led me to feel like I never stopped “working” because, in some way or another, my “work” has to do with being present and responding to people in a loving, caring way so that they know that they are not alone. That is it at the core, and I know this is perhaps unrealistic but I feel that the way I am to make my living, financially, must come from this. It’s hard to explain but for decades I always come back to this, and when I ran the Dragonfly Cottage Community for Women for 6 years I responded to that community of 1500 women around the clock, with my whole being, but then, as in so many other ways, I did it all for free. People loved it, it was very popular, but I cannot continue to give it away for free. My work and my life and my time matter and have value. I have helped a lot of people, they have told me so over and over through the years. The thing is people expect to get everything for free and I just can’t do that anymore. This blog will always be free, of course, but I need to create areas of my work where I make money, and if people don’t care enough to take time to even comment here, what hope is there for me to make even a modest living with my gifts? That is where I have been almost in despair. This is what I have to offer, if it is not enough then where am I? What can I do? Well, I have said too much even here, but I guess I needed to say it to someone and you feel safe to me. Thank you for being here, and listening. Today I carry on, as I always will. I am determined to find my way. And I love you sweet Victoria…

  4. Maitri my friend,
    Everybody I know, who is blogging, has noticed that the comments are few today. We have discussed it, but nobody knows why it is so. Maybe because Twitter and Facebook are more popular – not so much to read there?
    I still read a lot of interesting articles and blogs, but most of the time I’m too fatigued to formulate a comment.
    But I’m still with you, and I admire you for having changed your life, and that you have the strength to keep a daily blog.
    3 kisses,
    Margaretha

    • Sweet Margaretha, ah, you are so right. You see my first blog was in 1998. I have created a number of blogs through the years, I was involved in the heyday of blogs when the engagement was high, this blog has been going for 10 1/2 years. Many people left blogging to go on to do other things, but I never have. I love blogging and love other people’s blogs, as you say, and visit many frequently. I cherish the blogs that, like mine, have been around for a long time.

      Interestingly I just read an article about “the return of blogging,” it was about the way people are tired of FB and Twitter and other platforms where there is no real connection between people. I would like to believe that people will wake up again, not just numbly move through social media without engagement. And I don’t expect people to comment on every post but it’s nice when people show up now and again and comment. It just means so much.

      And honey, I see you in the live feed stream, I know that you come, and it means the world to me. Take care of yourself as you must. You bless me by being here and this comment means a lot to me. I love you Margaretha, and I send you *3 kisses* as well, sweet, darling Margaretha…

  5. Diva Odete Kreszl says:

    I hope this morning finds you feeling better and with a brighter outlook, everyone has those moments and days. I read your posts daily although I seldom stop to comment. As with most things we do in this life, even the simple daily acts, we never really know for sure if we are reaching anyone and or making a difference. I have raised five sons, volunteered with young teens, young adults and worked on mission projects across the USA through my church and those doubts would sometimes creep across the radar. Often it took years to find out that my words and actions had an impact, sometimes the words and thoughts we share and smallest act of kindness go seemingly unnoticed. I truly believe that we may never know the impact we are having or the good we are doing but that should never stop us from trying. After all we are trying to help others and reach them, does it really matter if we ever know we did? Rest assured that God has used you, your struggles and triumphs to mean something, to make a difference, and you do!

    • Ah yes dear Diva, today is a better day. As I said, I was “having a moment.” It had been a long day and I was very tired. Then, when doubts arise, they are harder to bear and to sort out. But a new day dawns and on we go, ready again to face the world. Today I am slow-moving, quiet, and reflective, but I am in a better place. And you see those moments are especially hard for me because having suffered so much with depressions, anxiety, and bipolar disorder among other things for literally decades, and finally feeling so much better to the point of being able to even go off meds, it is a fear inside that “the other shoe will drop” and I will be back in that hard place again. I have started, however, to begin relaxing with all of this and feeling as though I am on firm footing and while I will have my hard days like everyone else I will for the most part be okay, so what happens is that when a night like last night happens — and I haven’t had a time like this in months — I fear that other shoe will drop after all and it makes me all the more frightened and worried. But I have enough belief in where and how I am today to be able to treat it like “a moment” and hold steady which I did last night. And then the journey continues, and on I go. Thank you so much for being here Diva, for your kind words, they mean more than I can possibly say. Blessings to you dearheart, and love. I hope your days are gentle, and filled with love…

  6. my dear maitri — little do you know how many people might be affected by your words, philosophy, graphics, gifts. just because they don’t comment doesn’t mean they aren’t impacted. it’s not about numbers, my friend. it’s about deep connection, within yourself and then with your readers. everything we do on earth matters. do my 500 plus journals in a cupboard matter? yes, because i scribed my life. THAT matters! when they one day go to my archive, will anyone ever read them? do i care? no, i’ll be writing with invisible ink in heaven by then!!!

    so go on chronicling your life, and trusting that your gifts matter, your words matter.

    when i teach in the prison and “publish” the inmates’ words in a little digest, and those 12 people hold that digest in their hand and know that their words matter, is that good enough? i say absolutely!!!

    AND, it’s ok to have doubts, to dip down in the biorhythms, just calls for a little more self-care. and as my used to say (tongue in cheek or not): “I cry twice a week whether i need it or not!”

    so carry on dear writer/artist/giver

    xo
    ka

    • Thank you so much darling Ka, I appreciate, so much, all you had to say, I really needed to hear it. I hope people are indeed reading and that my work helps them, matters to them in some way. But you see, for me, as I said to Victoria above, it is so much more than this blog. I am at a critical time in my life where I have to create income for myself. The blog of course is and will always be free and I will always give from an open heart and answer people here. But there has to be more now. And I fear that if there isn’t more engagement that means that there is no way for me to make even a modest income from my gifts. This is absolutely huge for me. I don’t have a spouse who supports me, I don’t have financial security, I want to be of service in the world, want to help people, but also need to be paid for my work and I am in the process of finding out just how to do all of that. It will be a tapestry woven gently and from the heart, I will always be giving much to many for free, but I need to take care of my own life as well. And the difficult thing is that for me, because of my situation, it must come online, and people online just generally expect to get everything for free. It is discouraging. I honestly thought, naively I realize, that if my work here really mattered, if it really helped people, they would make even small donations once in awhile but that has rarely happened. That’s why I want to create a Patreon page where I will offer much more, can really be there for people, for a very modest fee each month. Well, I have said too much, more than I should, but when people don’t even comment here I feel like “What does it matter, few people really care.” And yes, it does matter Ka, I can’t just keep sending content out into the void with no return on my investment of love and heart and time and caring. This IS what I do, this IS who I am, it is what I have to offer and if it’s not enough that is telling me something that is heartbreaking to me and leaves me not knowing where to go or how I might live. So yes, it is big to me and for me it is no longer enough to write blog posts and have no response in return. To those of you who do respond I am so much more than grateful I don’t know what I can say to relay my deep love and gratitude. You, my friend, have kept me going more days and in more ways than you will ever know. Those of you who do respond have helped me come back “to the page” again and again enabling me to believe that what I have to say, what I have to give, matters. I know that not everyone, maybe even not many, can give financially, but the comments here are the “gas in the tank” that keeps this vehicle that is myself going. It is all so complicated. It cannot just be some dreamy dream, it needs to be a business very soon, and that is my concern now.

      Thank you for listening dearheart, I know that I have said more than I perhaps should have but I have no one else to say it to and you know me so well and for so long. You can ignore this, I just needed to say it. It was a gift for me today that I had someone to say it to…

      I love you sweet one…

      M. xoxox

  7. i meant to say, as my MOM says (or said)

    xo
    ka

  8. X 💜 X

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