The Experiment: Day 131 ~ Stepping Out Of The Shadows…

I’ve been hiding for so long.

And you know what? “Coming out as happy” is really scary.

I have lost readers who have regularly read and commented on my blog for years because they so resonated with my frequent posts about living with mental illness, being continually deeply depressed, anxious, suffering from PTSD and bipolar disorder, being agoraphobic, with having suffered long-term sexual abuse, and all the rest. Of course all of that has not gone away, it is just not presently manifesting in my life today. Healing has happened. It is all part of the fabric of my being, but it is as if the lining of my cloak not the coat of many colors that you now see. My deep, dark posts drew a lot of readers, they made people feel less alone, people appreciated them. But came the day a few short months ago when with diet and conscious effort I started rising up out of the darkness and into the light. Longtime readers didn’t know what to do with me. It was unsettling for some. I think there were a good number of people who were waiting, are perhaps still waiting, for this “phase” to be over and for me to go back to being who I was. Isn’t “the other shoe” going to drop?

Will I never be depressed again? Who the heck knows? I am human after all, I will live through many things, it wouldn’t be realistic to think that I will not go through my ups and downs. But right now, in this moment, I feel so happy, so unbelievably, incredibly happy, that I am going to step out of the shadows and into this whole new reality. I keep listening to the song “This Is Me,” from the movie The Greatest Showman — I shared the video from the movie a few days ago but this version is really touching because you can see the emotion in actress/singer Keala Settle as she sings the song in rehearsal, it just blows me away — “I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I’m meant to be me, this is me!” And this is me, right now, right here, today. “I’m not scared to be seen I make no apologies, this is me.”

It is amazing to think that I have had sheepish moments of writing about being happy but I will not be sheepish anymore. I was talking to a dear friend on the phone this morning. We talked about who we were before the ketogenic diet and all of the amazing changes that have happened for us, health-wise, weight-wise, of course, but emotionally! I told him about this morning. It was glorious. I said, “Six months ago I would wake up in the morning so depressed, so afraid, so anxious, with no desire to get up and live. This morning I woke up, opened my eyes and said to the pugs, ‘It’s a whole new day! Let’s get UP! Let’s DO this thing!’ And we four went bounding out into the light, and the sunshine, and I was laughing.’ Do you think I will not wholly embrace this miracle? Oh Hell Yes! I’m going to. And no, I’ve no idea what the future will bring but this is me, this is now, and Lord Have Mercy it feels good!

It is so surprising to realize that it is so unusual, so foreign, to be happy that I’m not quite sure how to be, how to live, right now. It is an enormous learning curve. One thing, for example, is putting my Comfort Calls back out again. Some people drop away or get angry when I “charge” for something, no matter how modest the fee. They wonder who I am to charge for this or any other service? Well you know what? Read my bio! I have decades of experience in a great many things and I am fully “Living Out Loud” now as we ALL should. Don’t hide your light under a bushel. Be all of who you are in all your glory. All of who you can be. And when I open my Patreon page it will be with confidence, pride, and celebration because I have so much to offer. And I know this — and dammit, I’m not afraid to say this — the world needs my gifts and talents, AS WE NEED YOURS! And as I always ask, If not, why not? If not now, when? What are we waiting for? I’ve been waiting for long enough. I am 63 years old and this is my time, now, and I have rolled up my sleeves — I’m getting to work! — and yes, I’m stepping out of the shadows, this is me!

I was hiding for so long, but no more. Come with me, step out of the shadows, it’s your time, now…

The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda

If you enjoy this blog a donation would be deeply appreciated to help me continue to bring “Maitri’s Heart” to you. Thank you, and many deep blessings to one and all…

Comments

  1. Bravo, Maitri! You’re naming it and claiming it and have earned the right to shout your joy from the rooftops.

    • Oh thank you so much Cathryn, and you know what honey? It FEELS GOOD! And it feels right. And IT’S TIME. For ALL of us! Let’s DO this thing! I wish I could hug you in person but I’m hugging you REAL BIG from here! I love you sweet Cathryn! 🙂

  2. who the hell are they to say you don’t deserve to be paid for your gifts? what world are they living in? they pay ten dollars for popcorn at the movie! they pay $5 for a latte!
    but having your counsel, your instruction, your gifts is not worthy of coin? oh how i remember way way back when i was first doing massage therapy, how guilty i felt charging clients for touching their bodies! ha ha, now a massage costs $80. back then it was $15!!! so let them weep piteously that they can’t afford to pay you for your gifts. then watch them turn around and buy a new i-phone for over 500 dollars (or more, i’ve lost track).

    carry on, my dearest woman of many talents — and let your wings soar

    decide being happy is just darn normal!!!

    xo ka

    • Oh Darling Ka! Thank you so much for this! I really needed to read this right now and it means the world to me. And yes, Rachel took me to the movies Saturday night and it was nearly $20 for 2 movie tickets! God help us if we’d ordered popcorn and a drink! And how often do people order food from out and drop $50! It is, of course, priorities. This is the year I charge a reasonable and usually very modest fee for what I do. I want to be of service but I have to eat too! It’s an amazing thing when you not only start to feel better mentally but begin to appreciate your talents and treat them with respect. As Aretha sang, R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me. Oh yes sister, YES! Rock ON!

      I love you Ka, I am sending you huge hugs. Onwards and upwards we go! 😀

      M. xoxox

  3. Yay! Maitri, you and we deserve it all. All the good things that come from Above!!!

    • Yes Marge, yes! We all do, and isn’t it time? We do get help from above but we also have to do our parts. I’m ready to do mine… 🙂

  4. Had to smile: this feeling strangely “not the normal way” and then noticing – that is what they call happy. I can so resonate!
    Be very very happy, dear Maitri!
    Sending you a boatload of love
    Yours Silke

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