The Experiment: Day 111 ~ Equanimity, Balance & Grace, or, I Have Therapy Today And I Feel So Good I Don’t Know What To Talk About!

Anyone who has been following me for some time knows how truly remarkable this is. A year ago, and for the first many months of 2017, I was so profoundly depressed, my anxiety at an all time high, my PTSD flashing RED! my bipolar disorder all out of whack, I was a mess. I never imagined I could feel this good, I never imagined I could go off my medications and be medication free, I didn’t know how I’d ever be able to go off xanax, and I was so lost I cried my way through therapy every week. Finally one night my daughter sat with me and called the Mobile Crisis Unit. If it weren’t for my beloved pugs who were what was keeping me afloat, I would have been hospitalized but I changed doctors, changed meds, made radical changes in my life and things started, ever so slowly, to turn around.

In October I went on the ketogenic diet, and though I needed to lose weight for sure there were a lot of health issues that needed to be addressed and I wanted to be able to be off meds and feeling good. I didn’t quite believe it could be possible but this article convinced me to try. Less than 3 month later I have lost 25 pounds, my A1C is 5.5, I am no longer in the diabetic range and don’t have to take any meds for that anymore, my blood pressure has gone down and is in a good range, I am in the process of going off all psych meds and I feel so good I can’t quite believe it. Now that I am off xanax completely I’ve expected to wake up one morning really anxious, but I don’t. The sense of equanimity in my life is almost shocking based on where I was last year, and I have come to a point — which I can’t believe — where when I go to therapy today I simply don’t know what to talk about, I just feel so damned good. It’s positively shocking. I’ve been in crisis mode so much of my life that I didn’t know what it felt like to feel good. I’m still having a hard time trusting that this will last, but every day I wake up and it’s a good day. It’s sort of like I keep poking and prodding myself to test all this, to see if it will go awry, but.it.just.doesn’t!

I don’t want to cut back on therapy because I adore my therapist and it feels good to go there but truly what do you do when you begin to feel so good you don’t know what to talk about? Last week Helene said that this week we would make a plan for what we need to work on now. Well I have thought about it all week and I am truly at a loss. I used to talk so much about my past, my childhood, the sexual abuse, all my mental health struggles, and so on, but, well, now, it has all changed. My past is just that, my past, and I feel so far away from it all it simply doesn’t matter anymore, it has dissipated, disappeared in the ethers, it is there, it happened, but it is not part of me anymore. I feel nothing but love and forgiveness for my parents who caused me such suffering because I know that they suffered too, they were marked by their own childhoods, they were afraid and damaged. Now they have crossed over some years ago and there is nothing left but love. It is nearly impossible to explain but it is so. I have let go of all the pain surrounding the end of my 31 year marriage. I am completely at peace with having come out as a lesbian, having had some disastrous relationships, and finally living a life of solitude. I have finally, I think, let go of my fire. It has tormented me for 4 years. It happened, it is in the past, I have a new life now and it is a whole new day. It has been very hard for me to have lost so much and come to live on so little money, afraid all the time, no medical insurance, having to go to the clinic, not being able to do alternative therapies and things I used to do, and so much more. But I am no longer afraid and I trust that things are going to change for me, that abundance will flow into my life, that donations will come here on the blog, that I will truly align with the work I’m supposed to do and that it will bring me the income I need. Inotherwords, every single thing, every area of my life, has transformed and it is nothing short of a miracle. I am on the road to wellness, I am beaming, I am glowing, I am happy.

So what will I talk to my therapist about today? I truly don’t know. I will tell her what I’ve told you here and see what she says. I will keep on with the ketogenic diet for the rest of my life, I will continue to meditate every day, I will come to this blog everyday, even, I think, past these 365 days. I think at the end of this project I will start another 365 day project because I have come to realize how life-changing it is, just to have to show up for something every single day no matter how I feel or what the circumstances are. Each day it is as though I am given a gift, the gift of knowing what I am supposed to write. It is as though this whole project is spirit led. I write what I am led to write, no matter how much or how little, and trust that it will land where it’s supposed to, will help who it’s meant to, and it has become a spiritual practice. I could no more stop blogging now than breathing. What do I talk to my therapist about today? I will thank her for all that she has done for me, I will tell her that I now know joy. I will say that I am honestly at a loss for words, and I will just sit with her and allow things to unfold as they are meant to in our session. I trust the process of life, I am experiencing a kind of grace and peace that was heretofore unimaginable, I am new, I am here, I am love, I am present, I am blessed. And so it is.

I wish you all, each one of you, all the peace and beauty that is truly possible in life. It I can get here anyone can. And I am here for you. Write to me in the comments below and I will answer you. I pray for you, I hold you in my heart, I love you.

 

 

The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda

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Comments

  1. What an extraordinary dilemma to have, to be uncertain what to bring to your therapy session today. That calls for a celebration. What a fascinating journey you are on, my friend, and how much you bring to all who follow it.

    • Thank you so much Cathryn, I actually had a really good session today dealing with things I’d never thought of which I will write about in my post tomorrow. Onwards and upwards and away I go! A fascinating journey indeed! 😀

  2. This sounds just wonderful! And made me smile – been there, asking myself what to talk about with my therapist. As if she would send me home had nothing bad happened since last sessìon 🙂
    Enjoy feeling good, you deserve it, dear Maitri.

    • Thank you so much Silke honey and as I just wrote to Cathryn I had a fascinating, really good session today with things that I’d never thought of. I’ll be writing about that tomorrow!

      I am enjoying feeling good, that’s for sure! 😀

  3. what a pilgrimage
    you arrive at wonder’s gate
    sharing life’s marvels

    !!!

    xoka

  4. I’m so happy for you Maitri. It’s wonderful to hear such joy in your words. You are a sweet, caring soul and you so deserve the happiness you feel.

    • Moira, you are so kind, thank you so much honey. I appreciate your kind words more than I can say. And how are things going with you all?

  5. Lol! I had a therapy session today, too. It has been a pleasure to find your blog and follow you!

    • Lorraine! It seems to be the day for therapy! I hope yours went well, mine did. And I’m so glad you found me too! 🙂

  6. I had a session myself last night and learned how unimportant some things I thought were. I feel like I stepped through a new door to see my life differently in many ways. I am excited for you, you’ve done a lot of work to get to where you are.
    Much Love, Jean

    • Thank you Jean, I’m glad your session went well, mine did too and we are on a whole new path, yes, seeing things differently. I’m finding that therapy is good for more things than I ever knew, even when you’re feeling good! I hope you have a lovely day honey…

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