This is the most extraordinary time in my life. I am doing work that I love, that I feel I was born to do, and after a lifetime of struggling with mental illness — bipolar disorder, serious clinical depresssion and anxiety, PTSD, and agoraphobia — I am at peace, I am content, I am happy. This is not a place I ever imagined coming to in my life.
Imagine if, instead of fighting all that you are to try to be what others want or expect you to be, you just take a deep breath, a sigh, and relax into exactly who and what you are? This is where I am now. I am an agoraphobic woman knowing that at any time I could have a flair up of other mental illness conditions but at this moment in time not only feeling a kind of happiness I never thought I could but embracing this life of mine, celebrating it, and feeling deeply grateful for what it all is and means.
As I draw and paint Maisie’s life, I celebrate my own. I am not only no longer trying not to be agoraphobic, I am embracing it. I can go out very few limited places that I have to go if I take medication, doctor’s appointments, therapy, to get groceries, and, with my darling daughter Rachel, tomorrow I will make it, with the help of xanax, to the Social Security Administration office to get this whole Medicare business ironed out. I am afraid, really afraid, and I couldn’t manage it if Rachel were not taking me, but she is, and it will be a relief to get it taken care of.
Other than these few things I don’t leave the house, in fact it is remarkable that I can walk Molly in the front yard. For 10 years here my dogs had the big fenced back yard. We went out my studio onto the deck and out into the yard. Mainly they ran in and out through the doggie door but I liked to go out with them too to work in my garden. And then the house burned down and I pretty much lost almost all of my garden. Then last year the hurricane hit and took the rest except for a few roses. And it also destroyed my back yard fence. After the hurricane, mid-September, I had to walk my pugs in harnesses with leashes in the front yard, I had no choice. They had to go out and the back yard was no longer safe. This was huge. During my really hard days I have not even been able to go across from the end of my driveway to get the mail. Days would go by and I couldn’t go out to get the mail.
I have always been able to do what I needed to do for my children and animals, although now 2 of my 3 children live out of town and I can no longer travel. I just can’t. A trip out to get groceries absolutely takes everything out of me and I have to come home and sit in silence for hours afterward. I just cannot travel and will not again. It frightens me. I will no longer do things that frighten me unless I absolutely have to and then it will be brief, and done, and home as quickly as possible, and still, there will be a price to pay.
The difference is that like my character Maisie I am celebrating living the biggest. brightest, happiest, most joyful life within the limitations that are mine. I believe that’s what my work is all about, doing just that, encouraging people to live the biggest and best life they can no matter what their limitations are. Now of course I understand that there are situations in life that are so extreme this may not be possible, but the thing is, MOST of us can do more than we ever imagined.
This year I am returning to gardening in a much bigger way than I had imagined I ever could. Of course I have a limited income, and can only garden in pots now, but there is SO much you can do within these limitations. I will be 65 on April 30 and any birthday gifts or donations I get here through the blog will help me build my garden. (I told my kids in lieu of other gifts that money or gift certificates for the garden are what I want most.) I have gotten wonderful seeds and bulbs at the Dollar store. There are ways, and I am dreaming this whole new gardening life into being.
There is also a little secret something that might come into my life but it is too soon to talk about it, I’ll let you know very soon. And it’s amazing what a few cheap pots of flowers at the grocery store or cheap magical twinkly lights can change the whole landscape around you. I’m all about plants and twinkly lights!
I have started a new drawing that I am very excited about. With every drawing and painting I do my whole world explodes and the growth that is happening in my life is immeasurable. People imagine that those who are agoraphobic live such a limited life that they can find little happiness inside their 4 walls, maybe extending into their yard. I am here to tell you that this just isn’t so. I have a huge life in my little house on my little plot of land and I am so busy every day there simply are not hours enough in the day. It’s what I want to show people in Maisie and Daisy’s books which I believe I will spend the rest of my life doing. Such a joyful thing.
On Saturday the dear man who is helping rebuild my fence and fix whatever I can afford to fix in the back yard so it’s safe for Molly, and maybe one day I can have a small garden out there again, sat with me in my kitchen at the end of the day when I was writing his check for the day’s work. He is very dear to me, like another son, is very kind, and we just clicked. Saturday I said to him that as much as we have talked he didn’t really know what I did and, somewhat shyly, I took my portfolio out and showed him all the Maisie and Daisy paintings and there are getting to be quite a few now. He had tears in his eyes. He said that both he and his lady had suffered from much depression and other hard things in their lives and the paintings really touched him and spoke to him. He asked if he could take pictures of a few of them just to show her, and to have them close to look at them from time to time. His reaction kind of made me feel choked up, but it also affirmed what I have felt in my deepest heart. The world needs Maisie and Daisy, I need them, and we 4 will work together, Maisie and Daisy and Molly and I, to reach out to others in the world. So much more is possible than we begin to imagine.
Now it is 8:00 p.m. and Molly and I have not yet eaten. I need to feed us both and take her out, then we will go into the attached garage where I have my potting area and we will pot up some tiny grocery store plants and Dollar store bulbs. It is a beginning. There is so much more to come…
quietude and contentment, what beautiful words, and way too rare for most people. to know you have created this reality for yourself is so moving to me. and yes, gardening is such joy! you have now had two people in your life (your meds man and the man helping you in the yard) affirm the power of your maisie/daisy work. tears in their eyes. what a gift you are giving us, and yourself.
i know your birthday is coming. i gotta get cracking and make you a card honey!!! xo ka
Oh Katya honey thank you so much for your tender words. And yes, this work is life-changing for me. It’s as if all my life I have tried to do all kinds of things but when I started painting Maisie and Daisy I found the thing I was looking for my whole life. I love that you and I are working “side by side,” writing, in our gardens, creating worlds. You my darling sister/friend are one of the most beautiful lights in my life. Blessings to you my sweet one…
M. xoxox
Dear Maitri,
I just love your daily posts! Every one is like opening a brightly wrapped gift. I was really touched by today’s writing and how your friend was affected by seeing your portfolio of Maisie and Daisy paintings.
“Imagine if, instead of fighting all that you are to try to be what others want or expect you to be, you just take a deep breath, a sigh, and relax into exactly who and what you are.” I am so looking forward to being able to do this. Thank you so much, my dear.
Oh Marge you are so dear. And your kind words mean so much to me. And yes, embrace who you are, take joy in it, celebrate it, you are a gift to the world, and I love you, Blessings dearheart…
I am glad you can embrace your agoraphobia Maitri. So many cannot.
How wonderful that you and the dear man connected like you did. Isn’t it wonderful when something you painted brings such happiness to another.
I visualize all your angels around you as you go to the Social Security Office tomorrow. I feel it won’t be that difficult. Don’t forget to breathe slowly.
Thank you so much dear Jean. I have to leave in 45 minutes. I am afraid and somehow dreading it but Rachel will be with me, I have all my paperwork in order, and I know that God and the angels are all around me. All will be well. (But I am sure looking forward to when it’s all over and I get home again!)
And yes, agoraphobia is a curious thing, and I know it’s terrible for a lot of people, it has been so for me, but now I embrace it, I am relaxing into it, and I am making a life here that is so full of joy.
It’s so good to hear from you. I am sending you so much love…
I love your story! Iβm so glad you get to be who you are without apology! That must be a huge reliefπ
Thank you so much dear Leslie, and yes, I hope we might all be able to love ourselves and embrace ourselves just as we are. It has taken me a lifetime, and it is life-changing. Blessings to you this beautiful spring day honey… π
Maitri,
I’m so glad that you’ll be gardening again, in whatever guise.
Thank you so much dear Lisa. A return to the garden is just what I need… π
Beautiful blog post dear Maitri, it’s lovely that you’re so happy and at peace. You’re discovering your life’s work and deep meaning. xxx
Thank you so much dear Jenny. I have indeed found my life’s work and it is such a joy. One week from today I turn 65, and so many people dread growing older, but for me, well, it is the happiest, most peaceful time of my life. I so appreciate you being on this journey with me. Happy Spring, and love always…
Blake’s words seem right for you, dear Maitri:
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
You are seeing the joyous abundance of your life, as it is, as you are. How very beautiful that is.
Thank you dear Cathryn, I do feel blessed, and you are a blessing in my life as well…