The one thing that you will always get from me is honesty.
I do get afraid, but I am not afraid to share my truth, or perhaps, better put, I know I must share my truth, because there are too many of you out there that need to hear it. You tell me so.
The pendulum has been swinging wildly, I am waiting for it to come to the center and rest. I am getting closer. The difference between me, I suppose, and other people, is that you are seeing process, not just product. I am capable of producing, of finishing, but I go very deep and shine my searchlight in every direction before finding the thing that I am looking for, I cast my net so wide for fear of missing that which needs to be included, the right way to say it, to engage people with the idea that I hold in my heart, that I sway too far this way and that.
Is it all about being bi polar? I don’t think so, but that is surely part of it.
I do know that my work is about helping people come to terms with fitting out, embracing that concept if it is true for them. But it won’t come by way of blue-footed boobies (They were in the last entry that I took down if you didn’t read it. Just say that I was looking for a light-hearted way to approach an often difficult and painful subject. The intent was good, but it did not fit.). I love them, I might have a stuffed booby here on my desk to cheer me, but he won’t be the emblem for the flagship enterprise. If I spoke too soon I am not afraid or ashamed to say so, but I will move slower as I head toward this goal. And I will share all these missteps with you because maybe you will accept yours, if you have them, a little more easily, and love yourself, despite it all, along the way.
Somewhere between 3 and 4 a.m. I woke up with an uneasy feeling, a panicky one, and I held onto my wee pug, baby Tanner, cuddled next to me, and I tried, hard, to go back to sleep, but it was haunting me, it was wrong. In the wake of moving house, taking this blog to the new site, perhaps I have felt as though I were flying without a net and tried to create something solid to stand on. But life doesn’t work that way, so what I will do is slow down and move forward a little slower.
I am going to have the new website. I am moving this blog, but Maitri’s Heart must needs continue as it has because what it represents is one woman’s heart, wide open, for all the world to see, wild shifts that might seem embarrassing to some but to me are part of my fragile humanity and if I bring it all to the light I will not lose my way. I won’t hide these missteps. I will make them, as we all do in our own way when we are building a life, but I will own mine publicly because someone else out there is sitting there feeling so alone and so afraid they don’t know which way to turn. They are filled with fear, shame, and maybe even self-loathing for once more stepping out, and falling back, for all the world to see.
If you are that person, dear man or woman, you are not alone. We are here together. As the fear rises we will catch it in a net. We will take it out and sit it gently on our lap. We will stroke it and tell it it’s okay, we are here with it. Love your fear, embrace it, don’t run from it, don’t hide it, love it tenderly, and then sit it in a soft basket filled with downy quilts and cover it lightly.
You have taken care of your fear. I have taken care of mine. Now we can move on.
I believe that more dreams have fallen by the wayside because people have great bursts forward, they stumble and they fall, but instead of getting up, dusting themselves off, and taking a deep breath, being very very gentle with themselves and accepting where they are, and knowing that it is all part of the process and if they just keep getting up and moving forward they will get there, fear or shame causes them to drop their fragile dream and run from it, hoping not too many people noticed them stumbling on the way.
You have seen me stumble. You have seen me fall. I’m sure you will again, but you will see me continue to get back up and keep moving forward. You can too. Come on dearheart, it’s okay, it’s part of being human. Take my hand, we can do this.
I am tenderly cradling my book, Tending Grace, and I know that I will finish it. It is about fitting out, because I do, it is the gentle story of me, getting here, to this place, and moving forward to the next. It is the story that I will tell first, it is the heart of Maitri’s Heart, it is the truth of my life. Digging deep I find my truth, and I must needs keep finding my way back to this soft gentle place. It is not flashy. There are no blue-footed boobies here, but there are pugs and parrot and a growing garden and loved ones and what more is there? I have all that I need. I am blessed, and I am grateful.
And so once again I move forward…