Reaching For The Light As Darkness Descends…

SadWomanReading

My daughter called a little while ago to check on me, knowing that I had had a hard weekend. I really thought it would lift by today but it hasn’t. It is a bad one.

It is like trying to walk through a river of molasses, tears keep falling, and I am paralyzed. I am pushing hard to write this blog post but what I know is that when I can make myself it seems to help others as well and that is an impetus.

This time it is so bad I haven’t been able to go out and get the trash barrels in that I put out Thursday night. I haven’t been able to go out and get the mail since Friday. It is at the other side of the street from my house and I just can’t see other people now. I feel afraid.

I said to my daughter today that something very odd and hard happens to me. I know that I have 5 mental health diagnoses and 5 medications for same, but I get this divided sort of feeling that while I know all of that is true, really I am “normal,” and as such (the make-believe “normal”) I am a lazy loser for not being able to do so many things, for the house being a mess, for not being able to get ANY work done, for feeling like I will never get anything done, and hence perceiving that I am “normal” my shame and despair rise to an acute level. I have only been having to take half doses of 2 of my meds. Today I had to take the whole things.

Breathing is hard, feeling so heavy it is hard to lift my feet to walk, they are like leaden weights. I feel fat and ugly and though no one will ever love me. How could they? I feel very afraid about money since I have now been turned down for disability for the 3rd time. I feel like nothing will ever be okay.

Of course many of these things are distortions but some of them are very real and that knowledge is blown up 10x their size and weight when walking across the floor is so hard.

But still… I try not to let go of the knowledge that somewhere there is light as well as the darkness, and soon it will once again be revealed. I am writing a book called “As Solitary As An Oyster” and it is a non-fiction book about trying to find the pearl inside of the oyster, inside of this life of mine where darkness descends and engulfs me all too often. And the thing is I know that the pearl, as well as the light, are present somewhere, just out of my reach. That’s how the meds help me, that’s why I am no longer suicidal, but it is still heartbreakingly hard. And right now I can’t even work on the book. It is too hard when somehow the lights got turned off inside of me.

So I hold on, I do. Over the weekend which was really hard — weekends are always worse for me — I made myself journal a few times, painted a little, did a few things here at my desk, but I couldn’t get up and do things that required walking around, like cleaning. There was, in otherwords, some forward momentum, but I couldn’t seem to focus on that but on all of the things I couldn’t do.

Deep breath. It will pass Maitri, it will pass. Hold on, hold on, I am holding on.

I will do the best that I can and try to be gentler with myself. No, I am not “normal” but nor am I a bad person. If you are feeling like this or something akin to it hold on dearheart, we can do this, we really can.

Take a breath. Gather up the pugs and give them kisses. I have an appointment with a new therapist on Wednesday and this will hopefully be the beginning of a new path toward better days. I always hope that this will be true. For over 40 years I have hoped that this would be true, through countless therapists and numerous medications, I always hope, and sometimes it is, for awhile.

I am holding on. I will continue to hold on.

MaitriSz4.4.16.09

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Comments

  1. Hi I just wanted to say how I admire your courage. I just discovered you (through Pinterest) and feel you are such a kindred spirit – I love everything you love! I could spend hours looking at your pins. Your spiritual path has been somewhat like mine and everything I’ve read so far about that just resonates with me so. I am sorry you are having a bad time but you are so strong and brave to push through to do this and as a newbie to your work/sites, I appreciate that.

  2. keep on holding on, sweetie-you are an amazing person and give so much of yourself through your art and writing either in spite of or because of the challenges you face. Earlier today anxiety was kicking my butt big-time and I had to really work hard to get my perspective back, so I feel for you. Still in the back of my mind is this mountain that anyone else would see as a mini-molehill, but remember if it’s a mountain to you , then it’s a mountain and no one else is the one who has to climb it, so they have no right to belittle your feelings-ever! Be kind and patient with yourself and remember the immortal words of the little engine that could-“I think I can”!

  3. “Lazy loser” is what people who don’t understand put on those with chronic physical or mental illnesses. And sometimes we put that on ourselves because we are afraid that is what they will say. Journaling and painting are huge achievements when one is knocked flat like that: You should feel proud for doing those. (And be kind to yourself about all the things you didn’t do.)

    This, too, shall pass. And the sun will come out again.

    Wishing you a big bunch of flowers.

  4. ah my friend, i was just thinking it had been too long since your blog arrived in my mailbox. despite the heavy tone of this one, i am glad to hear from you.
    i think of how productive you are, more so than most people, and yet when you
    are in one of these “states” you lose sight of it (obviously). by productive, i mean
    creative, in myiad modalities: painting, writing, gardening, fiber work, for example!
    on top of that you are so tech savvy, you taught yourself how to use computers with
    such ease – and create such a beautiful blog post (visually). hard to remember how
    special you are when you feel inadequate in coping with the stresses of life.
    may you always remember that even in your pain your gift is healing others. that
    we all need reminders that others suffer too, it’s not just US. we all need cheerleaders to move through our struggles. so carry on, dear woman. know i am sending you
    warm hugs and the strength to look into the mirror and smile at your true beauty.
    xo
    ka

  5. Oh. Maitri, do you know — really know — how truly loved you are? Do you know how many of us would wrap you up in our arms like a wee babe and hold you till the terrors pass? Do you know how many of us would joyfully just “be” with you, just sitting there telling you over and over, “It will be all right!” There isn’t a word for how very special you are to so many of us. I so wish I could make it pass faster but i know that you will get through it and I am grateful that you have the pugs and Ms. Scarlet as motivation to go on because they need you and love you so. sweet little healers. I am glad you are being gentle to yourself. That’s the best medicine. Loving yourself. One day at a time, one hour, one moment…. this too shall pass my dear friend. I send you all the light and warmth I can muster.

  6. Olive Appleby says:

    Darling Maitri
    We are there with you. You are so creative with all that you do, you give us hope that we too can achieve much even when we are in a bad place. Just close your eyes and remember that your followers love you and hold you in a caring embrace. You give us inspiration to carry on and look to tomorrow, it will be a better day. It will be a brighter day tomorrow.
    With much love, Olive and my constant companion, Mollie. She sends dog kisses. Xxxxx

  7. Thank you all so much beautiful friends. It is raining hard just now and somehow that is soothing to me. My best friend always reminds me that I get like this twice a year, when summer and the terrible heat we have here all summer comes, and when it falls dark early and long around the winter solstice. And yes these things do pass.

    I send my love and deep gratitude to you all. I love you so.

    Maitri

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