There are days that feel like I am overtaken by a hurricane of emotions, or a tidal wave of sadness pushes me down, down, down. Then there are the quiet days, they are days of grace, a restorative that helps bring a sense of equanimity to my life, evens things out for a time, and I needed this time badly. I am living in a time of too many flare ups due to too much uncertainty and I have had perilous lows that were frightening. This quiet calm is like being in a sail boat out in the middle of a lake when the wind has gone and there is nothing to do save rest and relax and wait for the wind to pick up again.
I have been journalling a lot, drawing on nearly every page, drawing constantly. This is a soothing balm because it takes me out of my head and into my hands, and after a year and a half of drawing all kinds of ladies in my “100 Ladies” project I have found myself drawing the same woman over and over again. I have named her Tallulah, and am filling notebooks with her story. I am thinking about writing little books called “Tallulah’s World,” for people not only with bi polar disorder but anyone who lives outside the box, outsiders, square pegs in round holes, people who look at the world in a different way. Tallulah embraces all of that and is a funky sort of person.
I am loving drawing Tallulah, I love watching her come alive on the page, but what I am not doing this time is creating her world and this work in a frantic way that leads to mania and unease. I am allowing her to be born, I am letting the table rise, gently, and just enjoying the process. If I create books that will be lovely and if not the drawing and writing are healing me. And Tallulah is teaching me about myself. She is me and not me and in the end I am just letting her be who she is, but it is an act of discovery that is taking me to places I could not fully see and understand before. What sweet relief.
During these quiet days it is very difficult for me to deal with the outside world. I don’t like the phone. Unless it is one of my children or my best friend Jeff I really don’t want to talk to people and mostly my days are simply moving through silence. I have been spending time in the garden. I ordered lilac “bushes” although they are no more than rooted cuttings, a couple are 3 foot tall rooted twigs. I will grow them on on my deck garden so I can keep an eye on them. And I ordered a Jacaranda tree, though it too is just 3 feet tall it will be planted where it will grow. The Jacaranda tree can grow 25 to 40 feet and in the spring is full of fragrant purple blossoms. It will take the place of a tree that died not long after I was here and had to be removed. The front yard is too bare. The Jacaranda will fill the space in a beautiful and dramatic way. They grow quickly and I look forward to watching it grow. I deeply love trees and the ones on my property are family.
I am also planting seeds that need to go in in the fall, lots of poppies, somniferums or opium poppies as they are commonly called. And I am cleaning things out and weeding in my silent world where the dogs amble about around me and then we all come in and fall into a heap together and take a nap.
That is where I am headed now, to a sweet nap with my babies. We will sleep and we will dream and soon we will start again.
I am glad you are drawing your Ladies again. They are very beautiful. I can’t wait to see what Tallulah evolves into.
Your quiet serene lifestyle sounds so good to me these days. I’ve been through a frantic mix of custom order halloween costumes that challenged my skills and vet emergencies. I darn near over extended myself and bit off more than I could chew. It took a couple all-nighters but I got them all done. I really was getting frazzled, my back injury aggravated by the hours of sitting without taking necessary breaks. The house is a disaster, barely keeping up with dirty dishes much less the dust bunnies. On the other hand there were a couple emergency vet visits and a tiny little girl who was so very sick I feared losing her and a kitten who decided to eat a ribbon and we thought she was obstructing – well nature finally took its course after a course of laxatives but the thought of losing either of those girls was well, unthinkable. Gypsy the kitten is back to chasing bugs and balls and Thelma the ferret has celebrated her new-found energy by climbing to the top of the 5′ cage scaring me half to death. I am ready for nice boring routine days of cleaning house and preparing to start some sewing lessons. Saturday we are emptying out the storage shed containing the last of my mother’s household good and furniture. She’s been gone 3 years, it’s time to move on. A neighbor is taking much of the furniture, the rest will be donated. I think those things were holding me back. It’s good to let go. Very freeing. Of course, then was the excitement as I waited for word of my little great granddaughter’s arrival. I don’t want to relive the last couple weeks. How could you have possibly survived the past months of constant drama. Truly, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
So Maitri, I’m glad you are in a quiet peaceful time you so deserve after a very long and scary spell. Again, welcome home. I love the thought of a series of little books about Tullulah. She is definitely a healer, letting you see a new layer of your self. A good thing. I love all your ladies. Each so unique. It seems you are in a good place when you are working on your ladies.
I’m so glad for you Maitri that you have found this calm, quiet space of days for restoration. Your drawing and writing sounds adventurous. How wonderful to let yourself just be in the process of the unfolding story. Your outdoor time sounds very restorative too. As you care for and nurture your garden you nurture yourself too.
I feel you and am here with you for all the flare ups because of uncertainty and outside stuff. Sometimes I wish the outside world would just be quiet and allow me some time to heal without bothering me and telling me what I should do instead and how little progress I make. It is really frustrating because I get better and then comes this stuff and I relapse and have to start from the begining. It is like seeing where I could be but never reaching the desired place.
Thanks for sharing your journal pages. They are beautiful. I like your handwriting 🙂
It is great that you allow yourself and Tallulah to develop in your own times not pushing anything. That is a great step into a positive change, don’t you think?
I love lilacs. There were 3 trees under my bedroom window at my parent’s house and I have a little one on my balcony.
It is great to hear that you are planting and have growing and flowering beings around you. Being with out green friends is so healing. Have a great journey and don’t forget to share a picture when the lilac’s blossom. I would love to see. And the Jarcanda tree.
sweet relief brings calm
seeds in your hand to strew now
glory will grow here
xo
ka
So glad that you are in a place of peace and rest….It is a time to heal, create and just be.
So thankful for these days of ordinary grace.
Sending you and Tallulah love and light!