On The Cusp Of My Worst Fear…

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I have known that this day could come for a very long time but I wanted so much to believe in myself. I wanted to believe I was talented enough, wise enough, had enough experience from 4 decades of teaching and helping other women, even though most of it was not work I got paid for, I wanted to believe that I had much to offer and could make a business of it to support myself. I wanted to believe, I needed to believe, but I am within weeks of running out of money, and I have no choice, and I am trying not to dive off the high dive into the deep end of the pool but I am a 60 year old woman with a basket full of mental health issues and I have not been able to find a way to support myself. At 9:05 a.m. Monday morning I have my appointment with the Social Security Administration to see about getting disability.

The difficult thing about this is that because I have no work history, and I am not yet 62 so I can’t draw on my ex-husband’s social security, if I get the SSI which is the only thing I might be eligible for from what I hear it won’t be enough to live on and the limitations are so strict I wouldn’t be able to do much else to make up the difference or I would lose my disability. If I had a base income I could work hard to at least make up the difference, I am sure of it, but not on SSI. It is a conundrum. Right now I am praying for a miracle.

I slept all day long. After a frightening bout of deep depression and a visit to my doctor on Wednesday she raised one prescription and added one making 5 meds a day. It is kicking my patootski. It was a dark rainy day today and other than taking care of the animals I never even so much as made coffee. I just kept going back to sleep, sleeping for hours. The meds + fear + a deep sadness over not having been able to generate the income that I needed from what I feel are my gifts cultivated over a lifetime, work that is centered in helping other women, doing things that I am good at, which the women in my project and circle have loved, such incredible, loving, supportive women who are truly seeing me through the hardest, scariest time of my life, still it is not enough to support me. What else can I do? I.Am.Praying.For.A.Miracle,Β an honest to God miracle. Will you pray with me?

It is that time when I have done everything I can do, I have worked as hard as I possibly can, I took every class I could and paid for a pricey mentor to create a miracle business and I have hoped and dreamed and wished and prayed and believed in myself in what perhaps was a fairy tale, make believe, magical thinking sort of way but we have to try to believe in ourselves, don’t we? I had to believe that having lived 6 decades on this earth I had something to offer. I really have done a lot of work. Good work. Work that people told me they loved, that changed their lives, that even saved their lives, I had to believe I could pull all of this together in a way that would continue to help others and support me in the process. Even bi polar and all the rest I really believed that I could do it, but in this moment I feel like the bug that finally hit the windshield though he tried his best to take a different path. There is nowhere else to go, there is nothing else to do, but take that call on Monday and lay it all out. If I get refused I can get an attorney to help but if I get approved, and even that could take 2 months and I honestly don’t know what I would do to get by in the meantime, and it’s not enough which apparently it’s not likely to be, what do I do? What else can I do?

And so it’s Saturday night at 11:30 and my darling pugs are snuggled in with me and I am writing to try to stay steady but it is hard and I am scared but I just can’t let myself go there. I have to take a deep breath, stay strong, pray, and do what I have been doing, let Go and let God. And it really has been working, there have been some very sweet little moments and things that have occurred but I still don’t know what to do. I must overcome the fear. I must hold on. I must find a way to survive no matter what, and no matter how foolish it might make me seem I am still holding out for a miracle. I am doing my due diligence but I will not stop believing that a miracle could happen, something that I couldn’t imagine in a million years. I am 60 and I know people reading this will think I should know better but no matter what happens Monday morning I will not stop believing in miracles. I believe in God and my angels and that all of those praying for me now, well, I believe it’s not all for naught.

So this night, this deep dark scary night, I will hold on, hold out for a miracle, and somehow, some way, I will go on…

MaitriNoHeartsBlackSz4

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Comments

  1. You will get your miracle, Maitri, and God has a way of surprising us. Talk about creative! Those miracles don’t always look like what we expect them to be. I’m believing with you. You will prosper, love. This dark difficult time will pass.

  2. Oh dear Maitri, as I read the first paragraph I couldn’t help but think , but you ARE all these things. You have just been through so much that it probably doesn’t feel that way now. I wish you could see yourself in this moment as we all do. I know it is terribly hard for you right now, and very scary and yet at the same time you really are all of the things you said and you really have all of these tools to share. I hope you don’t doubt that part for a minute. Maybe it is all just too much to handle at present and so you may need to be like a fallow field that lies still for a moment to be able to produce fruit again. And here you are asking for a miracle, and I don’t think it is at ALL silly to think this way. I think people who don’t still hope for miracles aren’t really living at all. How dull and sad would it be to never have the hope that a miracle COULD occur? and you know what SARK would say about all of that…..

    Miracle person find me now!! :D. This is really what I feel, and I know it is your style to go it alone, but I just can’t help but think that as far as a miracle goes for you that having an assistant of some sort, someone to help you manage your business or goals, or just help you run a few things could be of great help. No man is an island. SARK has Dori, and even with my own calls I have Emma French helping me. Could I be part of your miracle in some way? My hand is always extended to you and I feel I could help in some way. I am good at managing things and helping people reach goals. Understanding the things you deal with as I do, I would also be gentle and willing to work around your bipolary days. I already have the use of Maestro conference through my own calls, and maybe I can even help you there. Well, anyways. Just a thought. I like to help make miracles occur, I am in the business of miracles πŸ™‚

    On a side note, what about drawing your ladies again? I remember you having some people who had ordered drawings. Good luck with getting the disability and let me know if I can be part of a miracle for you somehow. In love and kindness, Bekah

  3. Thank you Paula honey. It really helps to know that I am not alone… I love you dearly. <3

    Maitri

  4. Oh, Maitri. My heart aches for you. You are not alone in this dark night; your voice is heard. I so wish I could fix this conundrum for you and your babies. Hang on, dear one. Hang on.

  5. Maitri, the meds knocking you out are a big barrier. Either you will adjust or they will have to be adjusted. I know you are just weeks away from running out of money, but getting stabilized medication-wise needs to come first.

    Have faith, Maitri. We believe in you. Don’t let fear spiral you downward out of your beautiful flight path.

    I was unable to get a disability pension myself, in spite of cognitive issues and a host of medical problems, PTSD and being in a wheelchair. I have had to reinvent myself several times. I tell you that only so that you may be encouraged. I make a living ghostwriting for marketers and I cooked that job up out of thin air, while being a prisoner in my house with no food or money. Yes I would rather be writing children’s novels, but there it is: One must eat. And I have two lovely clients who keep me busy night and day.

    You are in a severe state of crisis right now medically. Don’t let fear add to it. I *know* you will find a path past fear. Right now, you need to rest and adjust. Continue with the SSI application process and perhaps say something like “I will worry about supporting myself a week from now”. Give yourself a week “off” from worry and if you can’t, call your medical person back and tell them you are feeling worse on the new meds; not better.

    This is all I can suggest, based on my own experiences. I wish it was more helpful and sounded less like I was suggesting what to do. It is very hard for me to dish out advice and so easy for most people: I’ve been on the receiving end of it and that is why it is hard for me; knowing it can seem to someone like “not understanding”. But you are almost down to “crunch” time and hugs are just not going to cut it in helping you right now. You need practical help.

    Nevertheless, I offer you a whole bunch of hugs. You are so special, you’ve no idea.

  6. Karrie Mikotowicz says:

    Getting disability from Social Security isn’t the end of the world. A couple of years ago, we hired a lawyer who helped our son through all the red tape and he didn’t even charge much. Our son has multiple diagnoses including Autistic Spectrum Disorder, clinical depression, panic disorder, seasonal affective disorder, and OCD. He still lives at home but he gets enough to get by and the security it brings to his mind has gotten to enroll in community college…and they pay for it. We didn’t mind supporting him, but we won’t always be here. Everyone needs help now and then. The process can be anxiety provoking, but breathe deeply and slowly and you can do it…I know you can do it. Positive thoughts, prayers, and energy being sent your way….

    • Thank you so much Karrie honey, I appreciate your encouraging note. It is scary and I guess mostly because I am not 62 to get ss based on my husband’s salary and don’t have a work history so I’ve been told by others I could get very little if I get SSI. I know an attorney who will help me if I am denied but the worry over how much I would get if I GOT it is a big thing. Because it is my understanding that if you get SSI you are extremely limited on how much you can make and not lose the disability but how do you survive if you don’t get enough money to live on. I don’t have anyone to help me financially and so I am really scared, but I do have a tremendous lot of faith and I DO believe in miracles and I don’t know what will happen but praying and letting it go to God is the best way I know to get through it all right now.

      I really do appreciate your kind note honey, thank you so much…

      Love,

      Maitri

      • Karrie Mikotowicx says:

        Our son has minimal work history and he hasn’t really put anything into Social Security. His living expenses…rent, food, utilities…take into account that he is living at home. Any change to his diagnoses, living situation, or work situation must be reported because those things determine how much he gets each month. We had some bumps in the road in the beginning and it did cause him a lot of stress but things gradually became regular and his anxiety eased up. He still needs us to talk for him on the phone or in person at the Social Security Office because he just gets too anxious and then becomes angry and upset. It is a harrowing process when your social skills are iffy like his are at times. Just remember that there are people who believe in you. If we had the funds to help you out, we would do so in a heartbeat because that is what we have always done. John has been out of work since October 1, 2013 and our daughter doesn’t qualify for financial aid for college ($20,000 a year on average) so we are strapped right now but things will change for the better for us as they will for you if we only just keep believing. I think the work you do is very important and fills a need in this crazy world we are living in. Chin up and puggies close…you have a lot of people praying for you.

  7. Oh sweet sweet Bekah you are so very dear and I would love your help, and know that you have offered before, but I just don’t have any money to hire an assistant right now. As you know I did hire one and lost money when she didn’t do the work, etc, and I think having an assistant could be a miracle especially right now with wanting to get our new Forum opened up and I know you would be a radiant miracle in my life as you already are but honey I just don’t have the funds to hire someone now. Right now I am trying to find out a way to survive at all. But thank you so much. I have been shy to respond to your offerings before because I had nothing to offer in return right now, but I love you dearly for offering and you’ve got a little bit πŸ˜‰ going on in your life now, like, oh, say, a WEDDING! We are all so excited for you and happy for you, our sweet little bride-to-be. But you made my night with your sweet offerings, and I love you dearly…

    Maitri

  8. Oh darling Marya thank you so much honey. What you have to share means the world to me because I KNOW that you have been here. Our disabilities are different but the basic survival needs are not and it is encouraging that you have found a way. The women in our circle, and of course you are one of our dear ones, are what are keeping me afloat just now. Your love, support, and kindness help me hold on and I love you and appreciate it all more than I can say.

    You take care too dearheart. I am sending you so much love…

    Maitri

  9. I know you don’t have anything to offer me financially at present, but I am offering to help you with something for free or for barter. I guess I should have made it clear…hence the miracle!! You are right, that I am super busy at present with wedding things (and I am not sure at present actually if I will be able to get married this Summer /Fall yet at the rate I am going, or if it has to wait until Spring next year), but I can make time to help you with some things. Conference calls for example are not time consuming for me. I could offer assistance there. Forum things maybe. Let me know, and I will see what I can do as a gift to you πŸ™‚

    • Thank you so much Bekah and I could offer you mentoring after I get settled in the cottage again. And when things start to really go I could pay you. Right now it is very late and I am very tired and can barely think straight but I would love to work something out with you after I get home. I can’t do a conference call here because of the dogs but it is something I have wanted to do with the Circle for some time. Right now getting the forum going is big because I have it set up but there are a lot of things that need to be worked out and I just don’t have the energy for it now until after the move.

      Thank you so much sweet Bekah, from the bottom of my heart.

      Love,

      Maitri

  10. Wow, am I so glad I read this. I mean, what are the odds that our thought processes went to the same place!? I must be psycho (she said in her Archie Bunker play on words)… Bah dump bump. We are all needing some miracles, and I keep dreaming them up and believing in them. I’m nearly sixty, and have great things to offer, yet have not found my “sweet spot”. We can do this. I keep ignoring the scary monsters under the bed, because I cannot let my fears take the sparkle away. They are False Expectations Appearing Real. I’m sorry, somebody has to be a Pollyanna. I believe it’s all going to work out. I am where I’m supposed to be. I choose not to over-think this. It’s all good. It’s all good. The veil is being lifted… I will see clearly what I need to see. I will do what I need to do and laugh whenever I can. I just read and read and read and keep flitting along, like a happy little faerie. Oh, look! It’s a miracle with my name on it! Come on, let’s go get it! (To the 1812 Overture)

  11. Noni honey it’s nice to have a happy little faerie flitting through. Love to you honey… πŸ™‚

  12. We will work it all out somehow Maitri. No worries. πŸ™‚ Rest now and know God does take care of us. There is always provision somehow, especially with the help of community I have found. Sending you love right back. Go snuggle with the pugs now….

  13. Jennifer W says:

    Maitri, I am sure you could get other types of assistance. I wonder if you have found or been assigned a social worker? Food assistance, food stamps, cash assistance……I am not an expert but they exist as a safety net. If you reach out to your local Council of Churches they should be able to refer you to some helpful resources. You are precious and more than worth any assistance that is available.

  14. Jennifer W says:

    Also, don’t forget to check in with your Inner Wise Self for what she has for you…..I remember when I was feeling desperate not knowing where finances would come from and what I heard was, “Just breathe.” Then soon after, “out of the blue” I received a phone call from a recruiter with a job opening that changed my situation. She did not even remember where she got my resume. Breathe and try not to panic. You are loved and taken care of. More will be revealed. Sending love.

  15. Oh dear Maitri, the miracle is right in front of you and in you. You are such a good writer, and you make such unique art.
    Maybe there would be an editor/publisher interested in working with you? Maybe some people can assist you in writing to them to find one. It’s not an easy road to go, but maybe it’s a miracle road. But people need to know you want to take that direction, if you want to.
    Ask tomorrow if you can give something to underline your need for money and give the url of this page. Or ask an address to send a copy.
    That’s as far as practical help from me can go at the moment. I’ve never had money, and I’m too far away. But I know, like all others, how beautiful a person you are and that you should not let yourself slide downwards. Don’t worry too much beforehands.
    I know it’s easy to say, but you should keep up your strength by feeding your feelings in the here and now. You are a magician of words, you are a much loved person. You have the gift of touching hearts. The miracle will happen one way or another. Trust.. try to trust the person who’s at the other side of the line tomorrow.
    Hugggggsss and loads of love.

  16. I’m in the same boat as you, Maitri, but I want to be part of your miracle too. I don’t have all the Web expertise that Rebekah has, but I’m a quick learner and can figure out things. Plus I have time to do so. So count me in. I’ve been feeling this for quite a while about wanting to help, but not sure of what I can offer.

    • Oh sweet Valerie you are so kind and I would love to have your help because I want to get our community going and growing. We should talk soon.

      I love you dearly sweet one. See you in the circle…

      Love,

      Maitri

  17. Sun hides behind clouds
    but we know the light is there
    its peace will bathe you

    xo
    ka

  18. IF ALL OF YOUR 1260+ BLOG FOLLOWERS PLEDGED $1-3 PER MONTH β€” WOULD THAT KEEP YOU AFLOAT? Some, of course, could do more. I would certainly be willing to do that. At the moment, I can only do $1 β€” and I’m certain there are others in the same financial boat. But at least it would be a boost, right? I know it would take a bunch of us to commit to that to make it work. I’m going to go pledge that now… xxx

    • Oh Hope, thank you so much, and yes if everyone pledged $3 it would be a Godsend but I’ve no idea how to contact these people. I want to have peace of mind to do my work, to help women around the world. The small community that I have already started is utterly amazing. I have pulled those pages down to revamp them. I would love to figure out how to go non-profit. Then donations, memberships, and selling eBooks and ecourses would be tax deductible, I could establish when money was flowing in abundantly scholarships for women and other ways to help women. What I want most in the world is to be able to make my living and take care of my life and rescue animals that are my family by helping other women. One of my lovely members said today that I should start a Kickstarter campaign but I am so overwhelmed now I don’t know how to begin. I did try to write you a thank you note when your donation came through but it came back to me saying the email was invalid? so I am glad to see you hear. Thank you dear beautiful soul. Thank you…

      Love,

      Maitri

  19. Maitri I wrote you a long post, but it got deleted. I’ll write a short version now. I agree with everything these good women have said about you. I understand your fear, because once upon a time I was a single mom with no support and with mental health issues. You know the saying, it is always darkest before the Dawn? I feel that this is what is happening…..you are so good, compassionate and brilliant….your dawn is coming! I am praying very hard for you dear one and standing in agreement with all your supporters. In time, all will be well, and all manner of things will be well….sending you huge hugs and so much love.

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