Knitting When You’ve Lost Yourself, or, Random Acts of Knitting…

KnittingProject6a

In the last entry I wrote about Knitting Meditation, or what I called “Knitting Without A Destination.” I had cast on 15 stitches of soft sky blue chenille and just started to knit. I kept it near me and many times throughout the day when I felt lost or frustrated or just listless I picked it up and started to knit. It didn’t matter what I was doing or why and if I got to the end, ripped it all out, rolled it back into a ball and started over that was fine by me. And then the days got harder. And I felt more lost. And I got to the end of the blue yarn. I grabbed a handful of a lumpity bumpity purpley blend yarn and thought I could just keep going. I had it at hand. I still didn’t care where I ended up.

KnittingProject1

I started to knit and found the new blend of yarns pleasing…

KnittingProject2

And all of a sudden instead of knitting without a destination it came to me that I had entered the realm of what I call Random Acts of Knitting. I still wasn’t knitting for much more than to have a toehold on my sanity but it started to become something, and this pleased me. I had no judgments, and whatever turned out was just fine. I knitted my way through the bit of purple yarn that I had and cast off.

KnittingProject3

Now I hadn’t reached a destination so much as having gotten to the place where I didn’t want to tear it all out again but I wasn’t sure what to do. I dug around in my yarn bag and came out with a ball of red chenille, grabbed a crochet hook, and decided I would crochet with the red around the edges. I had no idea why or what it might become if anything but I love to crochet too so I just started…

KnittingProject4

Finally I determined that I would crochet all the way around twice and see what I had. Here’s the first go round…

KnittingProject5

In the end I had something that I randomly put around my neck just to see how it felt and then thought I had something perhaps worth keeping, or giving away. This pleased me. I’m not yet certain what I will do with it but here it is finished…

KnittingProject6

Today I have felt especially lost. I cast on 15 stitches of the red chenille and I have started again. Knitting without a destination. I’m not sure if I will move into a Random Act of Knitting or not but what I know is that on these days when I feel just so terribly lost, and as though I don’t achieve anything at all, or very little, and my bipolar bits and parts are wavering about making me feel so sad and useless, keeping a record on Instagram of my little projects, and actually ending up with something I can hold in my hands helps a lot. And I am working on the January issue of Pastiche, the November issue went out a week or so ago, and that’s something too. And I have begun to walk for exercise and I hope and pray I can keep up with that because I sorely need to. I have my walking clothes on and just took the dogs out. In an hour or so when it cools down a little — it’s 80ish here today — I will go out and do my walk. It’s no marathon but it’s a start. And in the end I will come back in here to my little red beginning of a something or other and I will continue on. I am doing something, I am. I may feel lost but as long as I keep knitting I will find my way…

NewRed

Sending my love to all of you on this warm November day…

MaitriSz4.4.16.09

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Comments

  1. Maitri,
    You are always an inspiration in your writing and your reflections on your life.

    And indeed, there is always a way to be found, when we look for it. Thanks for reminding me (and us) of that.

    Hugs, Lisa

    • Thank you so much Lisa angel. You mean so much to me and your kind words mean more than I can say. I am glad that what I wrote could help in some way.

      Blessings and Love,

      Maitri

  2. Thank you so much (((Maitri))) for your words and for sharing what works for you my dear. It means so much to me to read this…and I am dealing with some depression and anxiety issues myself, and domestic trauma issues…even typing that makes me feel awful. But please don’t worry… I am taking care of myself, taking my psych meds like I am supposed to, and continuing on with my life…. Thanks for reading… ❤️

    • Oh Katie honey I hope you are safe? I’m glad you are taking your meds and taking care of yourself and be sure to reach out to people for the help that you need. Do you have a good therapist? I will be holding you in my heart and prayers, and thank you so much for writing in and saying hello. Sending you love…

      Maitri

      • Thank you Maitri… I am going into a local hospital tomorrow that takes my health insurance thankfully, and will be getting a new therapist and new psychiatrist hopefully! My dad made the calls for me from FL as he is now living there with his husband. My family wants what is best for me… And I am looking forward to healing and talking about what happened to me in a therapeutic setting… ❤️

        • Oh Katie I am so glad that you are getting the help that you need honey. I will hold you in my heart and prayers. All will be well…

          Love,

          Maitri

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