What a journey this has been and is. Finally getting this website up is not only the realization of a long held dream it is the crossing of the threshold into the rest of my life, however long that might be. I am committed to just what I wrote about above, about living authentically and sharing every bit of it along the way. This is not always easy to do, but it is absolutely necessary. It is why I am here. I truly believe this and I am prepared to keep forging ahead, slip-sliding, sometimes falling but always getting back up, making wrong turns but righting myself and letting go of bits that were holding me down or back or would be a detriment to my well being, because dear one, if I don’t take care of myself first I will have nothing to offer you.
As the website went up I was imagining creating a community with a forum, I created the page, I announced it here and there and talked about it in my podcasts. I was absolutely sincere in my intention and I created the forum, and began work on it but I realized today that it was not going to work. Here is what I wrote to a friend…
“For me, energetically, the work to maintain a forum if you do not have enough people to make it an enlivening and enriching experience for all of the participants, can be a lot of work and may not be worth that effort. I am looking into all possibilities but I have a handful of factors that I must deal with. #1. I need to make an income and support myself. #2. I want to be of service and help people. #3. Being bi polar and having issues that cause me not only to have to work solely from home but to have to guard my energy and self care in a way that means that over-extending myself can be a detriment to everything is something that I have to look at. I have to look, now, at how I can give the most, create the best that I am able, and help others in the process. It’s like a 3-legged stool and without all 3 in balance the stool will tip over.”
That is the truth of who I am. I do need to make an income, and, in my deepest heart, one of the most important things to me has always been to help others, to be of service, and now, at 59, I have to face the very real fact that if I don’t take care of myself no one will, it is my responsibility, it is the legacy I leave my children, and in taking care of myself I have more to offer, and even further, when I find that right balance, when I will have been steadfast in my desire to find just the perfect work that I can do, perfect for me in my circumstances, when I will have continued no matter what, stumbling and falling and getting up again and again and not letting those who would cluck their tongues at how my newest idea didn’t come to pass either, if I just keep my head down and keep moving forward, I will get to where I need to go. All of these steps forward and then back a little, forward and then back, do move me forward if in a zig-zaggy sort of way at a snail’s pace (though I do think a snail may have passed me now and then.). No, what I can promise you is that I will keep trying, and, ultimately, I will get where I need to go, and I will share it all with you along the way.
And so I will continue to write my books and eBooks — I can do this, and I love doing it — and I am creating these little graphics, love letters from the heart, that will be on the page you will see at the top, a place where you can find these little posters and use them as you will online, they are little love letters from my heart, and hope to offer tender encouragement for others along the way, and I will find out in which directions I might broaden my efforts and still be able to keep that little stool from tipping over. Perhaps if I am steadfast in my efforts to keep mine upright my journey may help you with yours. That is my deepest wish, my most solemn prayer. This blog, the sharing of my life in this manner, is sacred to me. I sincerely hope and believe that it may be of service to enough people to continue on, and so I do. I offer my journey to you. May you find some comfort here.
Warm Regards and Deepest Blessings to all,