I am returning in the time of roses…

“Just remember, in the winter, far beneath the bitter snow,
lies the seed, that with the sun’s love, in the spring, becomes, the rose.”

Lyrics by Amanda McBroom

I have been tearing up all day long. And listening to this song, over and over again. While I am returning in autumn, not spring, it is still a glorious time of roses, up until December here on the coast of North Carolina. As I listened to this song I thought, though I could never have imagined any such thing last February 5 as I watched my beloved home burn down, that any good could come of it, but surely, as spring follows winter, it has, and I know that it will, more and more.

I cry so easily now because my heart is so tender, and memories of times past flood in as I approach the return to the cottage at the end of next week. I could never have guessed that it would be 8 months from the time of the fire until I moved back, and so much of it has been agonizing, and yet… how much dross was burned away the night of the fire that had long needed to go, how much has happened since, as loss after loss after loss peeled away the layers of my heart. This brings me to another favorite quote that I have not only loved for decades but the journal classes that I taught were, for a very long time, called “Peeling The Layers Of The Heart,” inspired by the words of the great Tibetan Buddhist master, Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche.

“We must open in the face of tremendous opposition. 
 No one is encouraging us to be open and still we must
peel away the layers of the heart.” 

It is as if the fire in a cruel, brutal, unexpected way swept through my life, not just my house, and clear-cut a path for a life to come that I cannot yet imagine. I don’t even want to imagine what that might be. I have learned, even though I thought I knew what it was before, what mindfulness really means. I talked to a dear friend about it for a long time this afternoon. I still don’t know how I am going to survive financially, though I have taken steps toward disability I am a long way from knowing, and I am very afraid what will happen to me from here to there even if I do get it, it could be months. I could, I might, I…

But the whole point is that coulds and shoulds and mights and might nots don’t matter. All that matters is this moment, right now, and at this very moment I am okay, I am more than okay, I am fine.

I have my physical health if my mental health is iffy, I have my dear family and much loved friends and my beloved animal companions. My cup is so full, it runneth over.

I have a winding path to spirit in my heart that I am following up the mountain to God, and in this place that I created, and that I return to, a place of meditation, prayer, and solitude, communion with animals and plants, my garden, my chapel, I will find my way.

I am returning to my angels who are with me here but have always been around me at the cottage. By now I have hundreds of pictures of them. Spirits, angels, and magic all around. I know that they saved me the night of the fire. This photograph, unretouched, was taken the night of the fire as the dogs and I were heading inside. They were so thick they detained me and I had a hard time getting inside. Had I gotten in even moments earlier the pugs and I would be dead, we would have been in the kitchen where the explosion happened. I have many pictures of the beautiful pink angel orbs on this blog and as I said hundreds that I have taken over my years at the cottage, that are very distinct pink orbs but this night it was literally a wall of pink. When I say we were saved my angels I mean it, literally…

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Right now it is after 10 p.m. I am so tired my bones feel weary. It is amazing how exhausted you can get just being on the phone all day arranging things. Deliveries for the new refrigerator and the couch and the mattresses… and… the Magic Ship will be taken down and cleared away this week. I can’t see it happening, I just can’t, it breaks my heart, and yet, that ship has sailed, and if it was still there I would hold onto the past. It is perhaps the last bit that has to be done before I move in to ensure that there is space, inner and outer, for a new life to begin. I am afraid, but more and more I find myself getting excited. My dragonfly antennae are quivering with excitement.

Dare I say it? Yes, I think I can.

I’m ready.

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If you enjoy this blog a donation would be deeply appreciated to help me continue to bring “Maitri’s Heart” to you. Thank you, and many deep blessings to one and all…

Comments

  1. Ah, the fire that tempers steel, that burns away the outer shell and leaves the shining interior…that fire has cracked open the chrysalis. But unlike a butterfly, you have entered the cocoon before, in other times, and have emerged each time, shining. Now you emerge again, and your writing has taken on a shivering sense of anticipation. Thank you for writing of the passage during this hectic and emotional time. Sending you lots of love.

  2. You ARE ready now to face your new beginning. The past is not forgotten, just put aside, lessons learned and prepared for this new beginning. I’m excited for you. and with you. We will be with you in spirit as you cross the threshhold with the puggles and Ms. Scarlet. Happy reunion with your angels! xo

  3. Thank you both so much, YOU are my angels. This blog is about as much as I can do the next couple of weeks as I move back so it’s good to connect with you here. Much love to you both…. <3

    Maiti

  4. Changes are so difficult, because we resist them. When we stop the resistance, the change can become part of our lives and we can move on.
    Wish I could pop in to help you.
    Hugs

  5. Illuminating and inspiring to read this, Maitri, and your writing makes it so real. Sending you hugs and energy.

  6. Man I have moved so many times and NEVER has it been a smooth, easy thing. It’s always arranging a zillion details and then dropping half the balls you are juggling. The only way I know how to move is: get ready for a bumpy ride! and then forgive, forgive, forgive yourself for taking longer to get it all together than you expected. It’s not fair for you to to have to go through so much change just when you finally thought you’d landed in the right place, but as someone who’s gone through more upheavals than I ever expected, I realize that it has made me a more open minded, knowledgeable, well-rounded person. But growing sucks!!!

    I am so happy for you that you are returning to your new, improved Dragonfly Cottage and I hope that you have a fun time with your pugs!!

    I read your last post where you spoke about not wanting to take on the care of another bird at this time and I commend you on that choice; I think it’s very responsible to think about how your pets will be cared for after you are not here to do it yourself.

    My thoughts are with you Maitri!!

  7. New chapter calling
    pen is ready to assist
    in the creation

    Your words empower
    visions inspire a leap
    into new glory

    Friends applaud you now
    and tomorrow and always
    your gifts are priceless

    xo
    ka

  8. Thank you all so much, I love each of you dearly, I am so sorry not to be keeping up with comments as I should but I am just hanging on and powering through and soooooooo tired, and as I write this my ship is coming down and I a very emotional and kind of overwrought, I just keep on keeping on, and when you are braindead and exhausted Pinterest is a Godsend! 😀 Keep me in your prayers, as I do, you, in mine.

    Love,

    Maitri

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