surprise balls

I can see myself changing. I can see it in my face. 25 pounds down, and what else?

Even despite a couple of hard weeks there is a serenity, and I will say a state of grace that I feel inside. I have not slipped back into depression as I feared I might and I am so grateful. Life means more than it ever has, the joys are sweeter, and the hard days more easily managed and moved through, processed, more quickly.

And I am so blessed in so many ways. The beautiful, pale green, sea glass necklace is a gift from my dear friend Jim, one of the many things in the Magic Joy Box he sent me. (I wrote about this previously, I have been opening a present every day or so and two weeks later I’m still opening gifts! It’s the most amazing thing anyone has ever done for me!) And there are so many of you reading these posts, leaving me notes of love, support, and sharing from your deepest selves. I am so touched and grateful I barely know what to say.

And my ever-present fireplace app on my computer screen pops and crackles and warms me in wonderful ways and I continue to chart my keto course, record my weight each day, and sit in wonder at all the changes it has made in my body and my life, while the Christmas tree lights twinkle and my little cardinal wreath sparkles brightly on the studio door. And the pugs are sleeping and snoring all around me, their soft, snuffly little snores are the sweetest sound I know.

And this is what I know for sure, what I have come to understand, what I am lifted up by more and more each day, that if you just keep showing up miracles happen, that the biggest miracle of all is how deeply you are changed inside. I stand up taller, I feel stronger, I am more self-assured, and yes, as I wrote yesterday, part of me has even opened her heart to the possibility of finding someone whose hand I might hold, a special someone that I might kiss on her forehead, look into her eyes, and feel a flood of warmth and knowing, “Ah, you were the one I’ve been waiting for…” I wish you could see how big I am smiling writing that, and feel the flutters in my stomach, and, well, yes, I think I almost giggled! Somewhere deep inside of me a very young spirit has come back to life with all of her innocence and delight and joy, something I didn’t know was even possible. I feel her more and more. Sometimes, like in the past couple of days, she fades from view, but this morning she was back. She is a miracle too.

And I want to welcome you all to a new week. I love Mondays, when all things seem possible, when the week stretches out before you and anything might happen. It reminds me of the “Surprise Balls” my mother used to bring me when I was little, in the two years we lived alone between husbands/fathers, that time that I think was the happiest, purest time in my life. They were so amazing and magical. About the size of a tennis ball they were made of layers and layers of colored paper and as you tore them apart between the layers were tiny toys and delightful little surprises. They are one of my happiest childhood memories. When I looked for this image, from the 1950’s, I saw that there are vintage surprise balls on eBay! Gracious! I don’t dare go look, I’d want them all!

Now it is late Monday afternoon. I feel peaceful and at ease. I have a whole evening before me and I love the evenings, after the sun goes down, and I feed the dogs their dinner, and then cook my own, and then come back in here to work a little, write, commune with friends, maybe Skype or talk on the phone, something I do with a rare few people outside of my mentoring clients, and eventually I will snuggle up in my big, oversized recliner, with the pugs and my big soft blanket, and maybe I will watch something on Netflix or Amazon, or maybe I will just read, and at midnight I will watch my favorite show, The Rachel Maddow Show, streaming live on my phone because I don’t have t.v. anymore, and then around 1 a.m. I will go to sleep. I go to sleep to the soft sounds of the 3 pugs snoring, all snuggled up to me. It is the sweetest way to go to sleep.

I hope you have all had a good day, or at least one that you made it through even if there were challenges. I hope you have a peaceful evening, and I hope you have a surprise ball kind of week where each day you unravel another layer and find a tiny joyful thing, even if it is very very tiny, sometimes those are the most precious of all.

I never knew I could feel this good, this steady. I am finally happy to be alive.