Stepping Out Of The Shadows

I’ve been hiding for so long.

And you know what? “Coming out as happy” is really scary.

I have lost readers who have regularly read and commented on my blog for years because they so resonated with my frequent posts about living with mental illness, being continually deeply depressed, anxious, suffering from PTSD and bipolar disorder, being agoraphobic, with having suffered long-term sexual abuse, and all the rest. Of course all of that has not gone away, it is just not presently manifesting in my life today. Healing has happened. It is all part of the fabric of my being, but it is as if the lining of my cloak not the coat of many colors that you now see. My deep, dark posts drew a lot of readers, they made people feel less alone, people appreciated them. But came the day a few short months ago when with diet and conscious effort I started rising up out of the darkness and into the light. Longtime readers didn’t know what to do with me. It was unsettling for some. I think there were a good number of people who were waiting, are perhaps still waiting, for this “phase” to be over and for me to go back to being who I was. Isn’t “the other shoe” going to drop?

Will I never be depressed again? Who the heck knows? I am human after all, I will live through many things, it wouldn’t be realistic to think that I will not go through my ups and downs. But right now, in this moment, I feel so happy, so unbelievably, incredibly happy, that I am going to step out of the shadows and into this whole new reality. I keep listening to the song “This Is Me,” from the movie The Greatest Showman — I shared the video from the movie a few days ago but this version is really touching because you can see the emotion in actress/singer Keala Settle as she sings the song in rehearsal, it just blows me away — “I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I’m meant to be me, this is me!” And this is me, right now, right here, today. “I’m not scared to be seen I make no apologies, this is me.”

It is amazing to think that I have had sheepish moments of writing about being happy but I will not be sheepish anymore. I was talking to a dear friend on the phone this morning. We talked about who we were before the ketogenic diet and all of the amazing changes that have happened for us, health-wise, weight-wise, of course, but emotionally! I told him about this morning. It was glorious. I said, “Six months ago I would wake up in the morning so depressed, so afraid, so anxious, with no desire to get up and live. This morning I woke up, opened my eyes and said to the pugs, ‘It’s a whole new day! Let’s get UP! Let’s DO this thing!’ And we four went bounding out into the light, and the sunshine, and I was laughing.’ Do you think I will not wholly embrace this miracle? Oh Hell Yes! I’m going to. And no, I’ve no idea what the future will bring but this is me, this is now, and Lord Have Mercy it feels good!

It is so surprising to realize that it is so unusual, so foreign, to be happy that I’m not quite sure how to be, how to live, right now. It is an enormous learning curve. One thing, for example, is putting my Comfort Calls back out again. Some people drop away or get angry when I “charge” for something, no matter how modest the fee. They wonder who I am to charge for this or any other service? Well you know what? Read my bio! I have decades of experience in a great many things and I am fully “Living Out Loud” now as we ALL should. Don’t hide your light under a bushel. Be all of who you are in all your glory. All of who you can be. And when I open my Patreon page it will be with confidence, pride, and celebration because I have so much to offer. And I know this — and dammit, I’m not afraid to say this — the world needs my gifts and talents, AS WE NEED YOURS! And as I always ask, If not, why not? If not now, when? What are we waiting for? I’ve been waiting for long enough. I am 63 years old and this is my time, now, and I have rolled up my sleeves — I’m getting to work! — and yes, I’m stepping out of the shadows, this is me!

I was hiding for so long, but no more. Come with me, step out of the shadows, it’s your time, now…