self-care — Page 2

Well yesterday I was a hot mess. Phew. By last night I was so wrung out all I could do was sit here and wonder how I would make it out of this desk chair to bed. I didn’t seem to have the energy. But something saved me. Her name is Lolly. She is the “stuffy” that my friend Noni brought me that I showed here yesterday. There was a big vase of purple tulips barely opening up, a beautiful card, and this adorable little stuffed person. I have never been a big “stuffed animal” person but I just fell in love with her. I named her Lolly and barely put her down all night. I took the above picture when I was sitting here clutching her tight and had been for hours. Linus and his blanket have nothing on me and my Lolly.

I could not believe what comfort she gave me. I will be 64 in April. Grandmas are supposed to provide comfort and stuffys for the little people in their lives. Well this Grandma was saved by this lovable little being. And when you pull on her tail she makes music! This delights me no end.

I took Lolly to therapy with me today and my therapist loved her. She is here in the crook of my arm resting on my work table while I am writing this post. All day long she has been no more than a foot away from me. And she is healing me. And I am so grateful.

And oh my gracious, the tulips! Yesterday they barely had any color. Look at them today!

I swear, some day I hope I can do something as wonderful as what my Noni did for me bringing that bag of love and delights. On one of the worst days I have had in a very long time she saved me.

And yes, today was therapy. I poured my heart out, I told Helene all the things I have been thinking and feeling and afraid about and overwhelmed over and how I felt such a failure and I cried and went through many tissues and blew my nose a lot and she listened. And when I got it all out I knew that I had come to a very important place, the place where reality sinks in. And probably everybody on the planet could see it happening but me. Only a few months out of the depths of depression, and having made many huge changes, here on this blog, with the ketogenic diet, amazing changes in my health, and going off all meds not even quite 2 months ago, and before I could even get on firm footing with it all I rushed headlong into a project that was way too big, too soon, and over the top for where I am. I am on an incredible healing journey, and many wonderful things have happened, but these are still early days.

Maybe for the next year I will just do these blog posts every day, and continue on with the ketogenic diet, and continue to lose weight and see more and more wonderful health changes physically in my life, and learn what life is all about off medication. What the daily ups and downs are like, and what it all means. This will take awhile, it may take a year from when I started. Maybe by the beginning of 2019 I will have a better idea who I am now. And I will continue on, very slowly and steadily, discovering what this new life is all about. I’m not such a bad sort, in fact I’m even learning to like myself more than I ever have, love myself even, but this new me is like a tiny baby horse just barely getting up on her legs. You can’t rush this. I haven’t got my sea legs yet.

I do want to learn to make videos, for fun, and maybe share my journey by talking to you all in that format too. I have been using my iPhone and will continue using it but in 2014, after the fire, I bought a nice camera and never used it. I pulled it out a couple of days ago. I’m going to try to learn how to use it for videos. Just for fun, with no pressure whatsoever. I have an app on my phone for editing videos there and a free program for editing videos on my desktop. I’m going to see what it feels like to create these videos without all the pressure of TRYING TO DO SOMETHING BIG THAT WILL CHANGE THE WORLD!!! I can’t really help anybody else until I take care of myself, but I can share my journey along the way, here, and in some little videos. For now that will be enough.

I’m not going to try to write a very long blog post tonight. My little pugs are sleeping and snoring around me. I think we will have an early night. I hope you are having a sweet night wherever you are. I am sending you so much love…