Pipping

I am pipping, that time when the wee chick first starts to crack the shell, there’s a long journey before him and a lot of hard work to do. For him it may be 24 hours. For me, I’m guessing about 2 years, and I’m just starting to see out of the tiny hole in this shell I’ve lived in for a very long time. Changes are happening, more slowly than I’d like. In the last few days I’ve gained weight even while eating perfectly on the ketogenic diet. Thank God I am in a wonderful forum where I can ask questions and get help. It seems that I may be eating too little and that can stall weight loss too. Your body thinks it’s starving and goes into a protective mode. Over a few days of barely eating any food at all — I honestly was not the least bit hungry! — I’ve gained close to 4 pounds! I’ve wanted to cry and bang my head against the wall. Last Wednesday I weighed 315.2 pounds. Today I had gradually worked my way up to 319, and if you saw how little food I’ve eaten the last few days you would be shocked. Today I’m trying to eat a little more, but it’s hard. I eat barely anything and then I’m full, but I’m working at it. This is such a different state of affairs for me from my pre-keto life that it’s startling to me. But I am learning, I have a support system, I will just keep at it.

And then there’s the coffee. Sigh… Well I thought I’d found the perfect keto coffee with my Lakanto sweetener but now IT tastes bad to me. This morning I had coffee with no sweetener and it was better than with it but I am just not enjoying my coffee. It’s really perplexing. I’ve thought about just trying tea but I don’t think that will work and I’ve just ordered some wonderful no sugar flavored coffee for the holidays — pumpkin spice and gingerbread latte. They smell divine. I know with the cream and if I had used sugar it would taste heavenly. And I would fall out of ketosis. And I won’t let that happen. Sugar is poison, and it feels so good to have it out of my body, it makes such a huge difference, that there’s no going back now. But morning coffee is still a struggle. I so want to find a solution, but it’s one day at a time. I’m pipping, I’m just removing a tiny piece of shell at a time, there are a lot of things to remove from my 63 years on this planet. Food things, lifestyle things, thought patterns that either haven’t served me or sometimes have caused grave damage, so much more. I can only take one tiny thing at a time. It will take a good long while to find my way out of this small enclosed world I have built for myself. I am just like the wet little chick curled up in the egg above, barely able to peep out. But I can peep out. Now I can see so many things. The road is long but there’s no turning back.

And what about this journey, here, on this blog? It, too, is one step at a time. Sometimes one word at a time. Sometimes I stare at a blank screen off and on for hours before I can write my daily post. I come to do it and then I go away. But it is always done before the end of the day. And so it shall be. This is a journey of 365 days and I am only a fraction of the way through, but it is good, it is right, and it is making a difference. I am going snail speed. It’s about moving steadily forward at a snail’s pace and all that matters is that I keep on moving. Some days it is as though you could stare at me all day long and barely see any movement, but it is there, a perhaps miniscule step, one very tiny piece of the shell, but it’s one step closer to my goal. How many steps might there be? Maybe thousands.

I made this graphic years ago and I love it. I’m going to print it out and put it on my computer. It will be my reminder the whole way along, the question to hold in my heart, the only thing that matters…

It is 4:50 p.m. the first day of Daylight Savings Time, a quiet Sunday. It has been a contemplative day. I have thought and felt many things, I have felt weary, I have felt happy, I have felt a deep, quiet state of peace. I am not wearing a mask today, I am not playing or making Vision Boards, I am sitting close to my pugs, listening to them breathe, and listening to this fabulous fireplace I installed on my desktop that is so beautiful, and so soothing, making perfect popping and crackling noises, that more than once it has almost put me to sleep. I turn it on every morning when I come to the computer. It soothes me. It makes me feel cozy, it brings me joy.

I hope you have had a lovely Sunday afternoon. I hope you have been able to find peace, I hope you are able to go slow and savor the journey. All will be revealed at the right and proper time, and I don’t mind the long journey. I am pipping like the little chick, and I am content.

I am sending you love and a gentle warm hug…