Hunkering Down

Finally you have done everything you can do. You have an ample supply of water. Flashlights and candles. Ways to charge your cell phone so that you have connection to the outside world, a good supply of food (and some little treats to calm the nerves) and if you’re lucky you have a bevy of soft warm pugs, and a cuddly warm blanket, and a good book or two, and, if like me you have no t.v., you have found a way to get streaming live weather news on your phone.

We are lucky up here in North Carolina that the storm turned inland and not straight up the coast as hurricanes like to do or it could have been much worse for us up here. The worst of the storm is projected to hit overnight and I will be snuggled with my pugs and will hopefully sleep through most of it, but when we got up this morning, long before the hurricane came up to us, the winds were high — the weather report said 20-50 mile an hour winds, and it was dark outside, and there were already branches down. I had to go out to an appointment with the P.A. who manages my psych meds and it was an important appointment that I didn’t want to miss but it made me very nervous to drive out in the windy conditions. I did, because I had to, and my meds were raised as I knew they would be, and I got my medications filled and some extra groceries, and came home. I was shocked when I got home to see a very sizable branch down just a foot from my deck and other sizable limbs and debris down between my deck and my fence. I thanked God because one of my biggest fears is for the fence to be damaged because my dogs could get loose and I’ve no one to immediately help me here but the limbs fell up to and all around the danger zones. Thank God! And the worst is yet to come.

I got the dogs out and in, got them, and me, medications, and got them some treats, put the groceries away and took something for my tooth which was throbbing, and sat down here at my desk. I thanked God when I got news that my dear friends in Florida were alright and other than power out had no damage to their home, and my son and his family in Atlanta were alright too, the storm passed and they had no damage. Now we worry about what will be coming up behind Hurricane Irma, which should pass through tonight, Hurricane Jose, which is projected to possibly hit the east coast, here, where I live, in Wilmington, North Carolina. We wait and see.

I have been doodling but got stuck somewhere in the middle. Blank holes stared up at me and my brain just stalled out. I put my pens away and decided that maybe tomorrow I can finish the little drawing, and I listen to the wind blowing higher and harder outside, hitting the walls of the house like waves crashing up against an ocean going vessel. We are rocking along, waiting, waiting, waiting for it all to be over.

I feel quiet inside. I am only a little afraid, frankly my meds help a lot. I had a dream last night that a person who is close to me moved away and wasn’t the least bit bothered how it would affect me. I felt marooned and alone. There were copperheads in my bed, I was in danger, it was a terrifying dream, one of those dreams where you wake up and are so afraid you are almost too afraid to even get up to go to the bathroom. Finally I did and rushed back to curl up with the pugs under the cozy blanket but I was afraid I would go back to sleep and into that frightening and sad dream again. Nights can be very hard. Eventually I woke up to the wind, branches were all over my deck when I went out with the dogs, a dark and unsettling morning.

There is this odd sort of soup one can get lost in when mental illness meets physical pain meets outside circumstance like impending storms and you can turn round and around and look for some place to land and feel adrift and lost. I am taking one moment at a time. I fed the dogs, I got something to eat myself, I have sat here puttering on the computer just so I would feel connected to the outside world. Just the other night another dear friend who is also agoraphobic and I talked about how much of our worlds are online. It is as though I feel connected during the day when the computer is on, even if I am not actively engaging with anyone, but when I turn off the computer at night — most of the time I leave it on just so I don’t feel quite so cut off — the world falls away. Most of my life, as someone who rarely leaves home, is lived, here, on the computer. Facebook for example is no mindless preoccupation for me, it is a place where I live, where friends are, where I feel connected. People often talk about needing to “unplug.” I worry the power will go out with the storm and I will not be able to see my people. I think the internet has probably saved more people than anyone will ever know.

Now it is about 9:45. It is usually 10:30 or 11 before I get off the computer for the night but I am very tired. I want to cozy up in the big chair with the pugs and I have a book ready to start tonight, one I’ve had for awhile and never read, and I’m excited because today my new charging cords for my iPhone arrived. One is 10′ long so I can keep my phone charging while I watch the news for awhile. I used to love to watch MSNBC in the evenings past 9, it really helped me feel not so alone in the evening. But I could no longer afford cable t.v. Now I am delighted to find MSNBC live streaming on my phone and have been following the weather reports at night, and a little news. Something about “live t.v.” being on and not just Netflix to make you feel less alone. I was never a big t.v. watcher but when you’re alone, and it is late at night, and it will be hours before you sleep, it’s a big help. But it runs down the phone battery more quickly and my phone cord couldn’t reach for me to hold it in the chair. Now with the new cord I am all set. As all set as I can be.

I think I will pack things up for the night. Put things away in the kitchen, take the dogs out, get night-time meds for all of us (maybe even have a wee bit of apple pie, comfort food that I got when I got my meds) and call it a night. I hope you are safe wherever you are, I hope you are hunkered down with the things that bring you comfort and I really hope you have little people (that’s what I call my pugs) to cuddle up with. Small people really do make the night more bearable.

Good night sweet ones, sweet dreams. Do whatever you need to do to feel safe tonight…