The Experiment: Day 139 ~ Tonight I Am Doubting Myself…

I am not depressed. I am fine. I am having a moment.

It was a long day. Wednesdays are therapy days, and then a list of errands. As I only usually leave the house this one day a week I try to get everything done that I can. Bank, grocery store, water (We have a water issue here in Wilmington so every week I must stop at the reverse osmosis machine and fill gallon jugs.) And then home to unload it all, take care of the pugs who were sure, as they always are, that I was never coming back and are practically weeping with relief as I walk in the door. (Of course they do this when I leave the house for 2 minutes to get the mail too.) I was going to write this blog post after I got settled but I couldn’t, I just couldn’t. I was tired. I took a nap with the pugs.

The problem was I sounded whiny even to myself. It comes from a place, I believe, when I write a post one day that takes many hours because it is very deep and feels like it really matters and I have expectations about what that might mean and when it doesn’t manifest I feel as though my work simply doesn’t matter. I have tried for 10 1/2 years to build this blog into a real community, answering everyone who responds — and God bless you who do, it just means so much and I appreciate you more than I can say — and hoping that each day more would respond. My mailing list oddly stays about the same, new people join, people leave, I never seem to build the readers that I had hoped for. When I have had so many visitors to the site over more than a decade now why is there not more engagement? What am I doing wrong? Tonight I wondered if, or why, I should continue. I continue because I committed to this 365 day experiment and it matters to me that I finish it. I will. But tonight I wonder whether it really matters at all in the grand scheme of things? It feels like it doesn’t in this moment and for the first time in months I have just sat here and cried.

I’m not one prone to pity parties. I really am not. Oh I have had plenty of depression and I have written about it honestly but truly in that state I am isolated somewhere inside myself, not looking outward to anyone else. I don’t want or need people’s pity, I want to resolve it, heal it, and move on. I will move past this hard night too. (I’m wondering what the moon is up to and if the planets are in some weird alignment? It’s really strange…)

Right now, in the early stages of creating a new kind of life, everything that I do matters, it matters to me that what I write here matters to other people. If it does not why in the world am I doing it? Well, I’m doing it for me as part of my road to wellness, and in that sense it is worth it. But if that’s all it is then I need to readjust my thinking about what my work in the world should be. If I am not able to generate real engagement then I am doing something wrong. Tonight it feels like none of this matters. And it makes me sad.

I’ve said more than I intended to say and I feel more than a little uncomfortable sharing what I have above but the truth is that if I really am mainly doing this for me then I have to say out loud what I’m thinking and feeling, you know, when you “get it down on paper” so to speak, when you get it out, and really look at it, you can more easily figure things out. That’s what I am doing here right now.

There’s a lot more I would like to say but I think I better stop here. I will keep the rest to myself. It is just more doubting and disappointment and I just have to deal and move on. Yes, even when things are worlds better there are still hard times. This is what it is to be human. As I said at the outset I am fine, and I will be fine, and all is well. I am simply having a moment. This, too, shall pass…

 

The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda