I have been pretty much been working around the clock. Until 5;30 a.m. Saturday morning, working feverishly through the night to get colors together for the builders, all day Saturday until 4 a.m. Sunday morning and last night, or rather this morning, I went to bed at 1:30 a.m. I am simply exhausted and I have so much work to do if I think about it it will make me dizzy but this is my soul work I am doing now and it brings me great joy. This is the work I live for. It’s what keeps me going. I can do this and I can, as I keep saying, survive and thrive and carry on, and the further I get with this work that is meant to help others do the same the more it helps shore me up. There is strength in numbers. United we stand.
Today I got some unsettling news that has given me one of those basketball size knots in the stomach that makes you feel scared and woozy and dizzy all at once. I have a 30 page eBook to finish by tonight and I will. I pride myself on doing a good job and having the eBooks, podcasts, and other work done on time but since the fire some things have been out of my control. Currently I am working with the insurance company and the man rebuilding the house nearly daily, sometimes multiple times in a day. That happened today and I wasn’t expecting it and it has put me behind a little – I am pretty much at their mercy — but I will work as long as I can tonight. At the very latest it will be tomorrow but I take time and care with the eBooks I create.
I have a very special relationship with these eBooks. They are little works of art, full of heart, and chock full of love, support, kindness, and quotes as well as exercises, meditations, journal exercises, and things to keep you thinking and in the process keep you going. I love doing these. I started working with the Victorian and Art Nouveau copyright free artwork in my 20’s and used them in all 3 of the small presses that I had. I lost an incredible collection of these books during the fire, more than 50, but I have been buying books one at a time through the incredible new service Dover has called Pictura where you can buy the books of artwork and download them immediately considerably cheaper than the original books and they are ready for graphic artists to use. I love them. I have been buying a few a month since the fire to rebuild my library of them for the books I will be producing.
Here is a sneak peak, the first eBook cover, and it is just delicious writing and designing the content. You can also click on the cover to go to the page that describes the year long project I am doing with students if you are interested. I adore my students, I want to give them them the sun, the moon, and the stars, and I try my best to do so. This is my heart-work.
This evening I am propping myself up against a pug or three because they are the magical little angels that keep me going, and I am sitting here thinking about being so afraid, and how it’s okay, it’s human, but the choice I have to make is whether or not I will let fear stop me, and no I won’t. We can pray for strength, put our head down against the wind, get our footing, and push on. That’s what I am doing. Every once in awhile moths start fluttering about in my stomach and the fear rises but I find if I do something concrete like open up a new document and write a blog post, just to touch base with those out there who might read it, just to help collect myself and feel connected, if I can stop what I am doing that causes the fear to rise and do what I need to do for a bit to get hold of myself again then I can keep moving forward. I have had to do that off and on all day but I’m still moving, and if sometimes I am just inching ahead a little and if I am one day late getting the ebook up and out it will be out and I believe will be enjoyed and I take pride and pleasure in that. I am teaching people how to survive. Sometimes doing what you need to do to survive is to say, “I’m sorry but your eBook will be done tomorrow instead of today because I want it to be really good for you.” My students understand and I love them for it.
Whatever you need to do for yourself right now, in this moment, to be okay, and to survive, do it. It will all get done in the end but not if you don’t take care of yourself today. If I have one thing that I want to say to you, if you are reading this and need a little help right now, in this moment, it is to please, oh please dearheart, be gentler with yourself. I can tell you this for certain because I have been working with students for 40 years and I know this, no one will ever be harder on you than you are on yourself. My students know this about me and they know that I always deliver, that I have integrity and commitment. Now I am learning to treat myself with respect. Whoo, that’s a big one. But I’m only 60. Some things take time.
I will leave you all here and go back to working on the eBook. Thank you for being with me for awhile here, I needed that. I hope you are okay where you are. If you don’t feel okay right in this moment, that’s okay too. I am taking a moment here to reach out to gently touch the shoulder of anyone who is afraid and alone, and I am whispering in your ear, “You are not alone, I am here.” And I will hold you very close in my heart and prayers. Now, will you do me a favor? If you are so inclined would you say a little prayer for me? It would mean more than I could possibly say.
See, we are not alone, we are never alone, we will survive and thrive and carry on and we will do it together.
I am sending you more love than I can rightly express, and I am wishing you moments of joy and peace and buckets of blessings. Now, carry on, I will too…