“365 Days of Mindfulness” [Day31] Being Mindful With A Broken Heart…

The two sides of myself are at war…

I thought that I would write this entry, that I needed to write this entry, that it was something, if I shared, it might help others.

Oh HELL no, you can’t be that naked, that scared. that vulnerable. You can’t afford to.

What the hell does THAT mean?

You are the polite, kind, nice person and nobody knows your demons, your pain, what terrifies you and wakes you in the night so that you are so afraid you can’t get out of bed and you are terrified to stay there.

I won’t talk about that.

Well, if you don’t you are a liar.

I know.

You said long ago that you were here to be of service.

Well, yes, I am, but…

But not if it embarrasses you, shows your human side, your fear, your anger, your hurt, your disappointment?

Well, how does it help anyone to yammer on about my feelings. It can’t help anyone.

Yes it can.

How?

Because they have that same person yammering inside themselves, and they think no one will understand, or that they are crazy, or that people won’t like them or…

Okay, I get it but this is too embarrassing.

I know, but what if you never say it? What if you helped one person, wouldn’t that be worth it?

Well..

You’re a liar if you don’t.

Well…

Are you here to rise above your own human shit and..

YOU CAN’T SAY THAT! What will people think?

They will be relieved.

What?

You don’t seem human to people you seem all nicety nice, but you feel anger and rage and fear and despair and…

Okay, I get it…

So say it.

I am afraid…

And…

I am angry and stupid…

What do you mean?

I live in a fairy tale world where I believe if people say something they mean it…

They do mean it when they say it, but life happens…

But why do they say it, if they know it might not happen?

Because they are human.

I don’t do that.

Yes, you do.

I…

Well…

Yes, I do, I just want to make someone feel good, and I’d really like to mean it, and I want to be there and I want to make someone feel good but…

But it’s not possible because inside you are too afraid…

Afraid of what?

You know.

I can’t spend my whole life worrying about that.

But you are, you have been, you will..

Why..

Because you loved her, because she told you to hold on, to trust, and…

And she didn’t come back, but…

But she had to leave the country to…

You can’t talk about that. About her work, it’s secret.

I won’t.

She might be dead, she might have…

You still love her.

That has nothing to do with this.

It has everything to do with this. If you love yourself first you can feel sad about that but you will know you will be okay.

I don’t know that, my heart is broken.

And so you are looking for other people to keep promises to make up for her…

NO, I’m not.

Really?

I —

Really?

The only way to help others is to get out of your own way. You keep working no matter what happens. If something doesn’t work you keep on going, you are here for others not for your fragile ego, you’ve got to understand that, to let go of that…

I know (crying)…

You will be okay honey. Do your work. You left the world for a reason.

Yes, I did.

Then keep working, no matter what happens. Something will work or it won’t but it doesn’t matter, just keep on working and stay in the present moment. You  did a lot of work, it didn’t pan out, you learn from that and keep on going.

What do you have, what is ALL you have?

Right now, right now in this moment, that is all.

Will you remember that?

I’ll try.

No, that’s not good enough. Will you remember that? Will you keep the promise you made? Your heart broke in half but the half that you are still holding onto is more than enough and it’s good that is was broken.

I hate you, you’ve no right to say that.

If it wasn’t broken you would have no way to understand, to really help those that come to you, that need you.

I…

Yes.

I… You’re right.

You may hurt until the end of your days, but your pain is your strength, and in the end. you can’t control the past, you have no idea what will come tomorrow you only have —

The present moment.

And it is enough?

Yes, it is enough.

Will you get back to work now.

Yes.

Go do your work.

I will.

Now!

I am.

Good. Don’t forget.

I won’t.

You will make it, you really will, and your making it and being honest about it will help so many people. More than you know.

I hurt, so badly, but… I know that I can do this.

You can.

I will… Thank you.

You’re welcome.

I’m leaving.

No, don’t go.

You are on your own, you were meant to be on your own. This is your journey this time around.

I’m scared.

Good, keep that, use that, be honest about that. That’s the only thing that matters.

Goodbye.

(Silence.)

I will do this, I can do this, I’m ready.

(Silence.)

Here I go. I don’t know how I can post this. I am terrified to post this. I have to post this. Here I go…

 

If you enjoy this blog a donation would be deeply appreciated to help me continue to bring “Maitri’s Heart” to you. Thank you, and many deep blessings to one and all…

Comments

  1. broken heartedness
    who can not relate to that
    we heal by sharing

    two half hearts severed
    can be stitched with love’s needle
    feel oneness beating

    xo
    ka

  2. Pain shared is halved…
    I learn that in the rooms
    I learn from and love you, my sweet friend, M
    You are amazing and thank you for blessing my time on this Earth.

  3. We are here for you Maitri and You are here for us. That’s what friends are for. There is always someone to reach out to. You have so much to share and teach. Trust.

  4. Ahh, the tangled thickets and webs the self-conscious “thinking-too-much” part of our brains weaves, and how readily, how trustingly, we fall into those tangled thickets and webs and the whole while think, believe, that everyone else is whole & healthy & smart & happy — even though the briefest glance around tells us otherwise. We’re so often broken & mauled, & we feel shame at not being the shining perfect thing we believe we ought to be. Instead, we believe we must hide the broken bits, the shards, the wobbly thoughts & broken hearts. Or people just Might Not Like Us.

    And yet it’s only by showing those broken and bruised bits that we actually heal and become whole again. The act is like a filter — those who fall away, eyes averted, were never meant to be in our lives anyway. But the true ones, the ones who stay, who understand — wow. Those are our Tribe. I truly do believe that the only way we can free our true art — our true Purpose — is by tearing down all those barriers we spend a life time putting up to protect our vulnerable, authentic selves. Those vulnerable bits aren’t vulnerable at all — that’s where our real strength and creative power come from!

    I feel blessed to know you, Maitri, even if it’s only through these pages. Your courage is a beacon. Your heart may well be broken into bits, but you’re certainly not. You, your purpose & your Work, are strong. Think of it as spiritual body surfing — close your eyes & fling yourself out here, knowing loving hands will be here to catch you.

  5. This post is so moving, Maitri. Most people know the pain of a broken heart, and that it can heal in the end, if you have the strength to carry on.

    I lost you for a while, and now I’ve found you again, which must have been meant to be. So here is my little iota of support.

  6. Oh, how achingly familiar this dialogue is. Your courage in posting it is why broken-hearted, vulnerable people warm themselves…warm ourselves…at your fire.

  7. Katya honey, thank you so much for your beautiful poem. Your words ring so true and are are a real comfort to me. I am so deeply moved by the lovely and loving comments people are leaving and they surely give me the strength to carry on. Thank you so much dear sister friend. Your presence here means the world to me.

    Love,

    Maitri

  8. Noni, sweet friend,

    I cherish your friendship and your kind words mean more to me than your could possibly know. Thank you so much for leaving such a loving, supportive comment. It meant the world to me. Much love to you and blessings to you and yours for Thanksgiving.

    Hugs,

    Maitri

  9. Paula, you are so very dear…

    You know it is truly a wonder to me. I have been blogging for a very long time and this mindfulness series is getting more comments and such a deep sense of engagement with my readers that I am deeply touched. I just can’t tell you how much your kind support has meant to me. I send you love and blessings and wishes for beautiful days ahead filled with grace and peace.

    Namaste dear one…

    Maitri

  10. Oh Susann, dear Susann,

    I feel so blessed that we have met here, and what I have learned in 15 years of meeting people online is that very true, very real connections are made here and I cherish the loving people that come and leave comments. It feels like a very special community here at the cottage of loving friends, and your kind words mean more than you could ever possibly know. I loved all that you wrote and will carry it in my heart for a very long time.

    Deepest blessings and love dear one…

    Maitri

  11. Oh Jean honey it is so good to see you! I am so glad that you found your way back for I have truly missed you. It is an incredible gift to have so many friends come here to comment and it means so much to me. I hope I will see you often. I send you so much love and wishes for beautiful and peace-full holidays ahead.

    Take tender care of your gentle heart…

    Maitri

  12. Oh dear beautiful Cathryn,

    You just have no idea how I treasure you and your presence here and kind and warm hearted comments are the fire that I can warm myself at. It is a dialogue between us that grows a garden in my heart and you are a beautiful ever blooming flower. Thank you for coming and commenting so often. It means the world to me.

    Blessings and love dearheart. May the holidays ahead bring you gentle comfort, and renew your spirit. May love be all around you…

    Namaste Dear One,

    Maitri

  13. I have had some of these feelings myself this week. I sometimes live in that fairytale world too. I too want to help and serve others, and yet as you said, it just feels so vulnerable and I too think maybe people don’t want to hear this stuff. It is like because I am the inspirer or the encourager, that the thought of showing pain, or fear, or whatever else makes me feel exposed or something. Thank you for your courage in posting this! We are all human, and we all have stuff that haunts us or bugs us deep down (it’s just that some won’t admit it). It is great that you create a space that makes people feel safe to share these things. So much love your way! <3

    • Oh sweet Bekah, you are so dear, and yes, I often think of the term “wounded healer” but I think that we can’t really help those in pain or in need until we have lived our way through pain in our own lives. It is the Shaman’s Journey, and a path I have been on for 6 decades. Like then Phoenix crashing and burning and rising over and over again and while I surely wouldn’t have chosen the hard and often terribly painful things I have lived through I know that every single one of them taught me deep deep lessons and I came out on the other side with scars that made me stronger. And I think being honest about what we have been and are going through really helps people open up to us more easily because we seem more real.

      And thank you love for coming and sharing so beautifully from an open heart. I know that it helps many people who read the comments that you leave for me. I know often the people who leave comments are leaving gifts for others who will come after them. Such a beautiful thing.

      Blessings and love to you dearheart…

      Maitri

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