I am seeking the source of my strength. The thing that is at the bottom of everything holding me up, the thing that can shore me up on the hard days that feel like a slippery slope, that make me feel like finding firm footing in the world again will never happen.
I wake up and 4 small faces press into mine. Tiny paws and flat faces, silky ears and teddy bear bodies. Huge eyes an inch from mine filled with more love than I ever knew possible. I get up each morning for them.
I get up for a little grey parrot who came to me nearly 2 years ago, needing a home, a lifelong plucker she looked like she was plucked and ready for the stew pot. I worked with her for over a year and a half and she was almost completely feathered, not plucking, so pretty, and then the fire. She was the only parrot that made it out of my 5 and she went to stay with my dear friend Jeff whom I met through parrots and we have saved many in our day. He took her home and cared for her until we could be together but she was so traumatized she started plucking badly, nearly bloody in spots. She was rushed to me at the hotel and she and the 4 pugs and I shared our small hotel room for the month and then came with us here. I get up for Miss Scarlett and I give her kisses and she likes for me to rub her head and we are family.
I meet each day with the knowledge that the 3 children that I gave birth to, feeling so sad to see them grow so quickly, have become the most incredible adults, have each supported me so lovingly in their way through this whole ordeal, are each married to people that I adore, and my daughters each have a son, my grandbabies. I get up every morning for my family whom I cherish and adore above all else.
I face each day knowing that though this terrible thing has happened I will make it through. I will make it through and I will find a life that I never dreamed possible. There will be life before the fire and life after and the life after will be one in which I will be braver and stronger and bolder and better. I got 5 of my beloved animal companions and myself out of a burning house. The aftermath is hard but when I think of that night, am told over and over that people are amazed I did what I did, that I could have died that night, I know that I survived for a reason and I must honor the life given to me and not waste it. It is 7 weeks and still early days and much is uncertain, I know I will have plenty of hard days and times still but I know that every day in every way will get better and better and better. I will make it. I am making it.
The source of my strength is something I find anew in each and every moment. Moment by moment by moment. This is the only way to make it through anything, in the best of times and the worst of times, we can only take anything, everything, one moment at a time. I am finding my strength in each moment, even when I cry, even when I feel alone, and afraid, and on the brink of despair, the bit of strength I can call up in a single moment is enough.
I am seeking the source of my strength and I am finding it. There are more blessings in all of this than I can see at this moment, but I catch glimpses of it out of the corner of my eye.
I send you love and wish for you many blessings on your journey. You are so much stronger than you know, you can do anything, you can survive anything, we will make it, together.