“365 Days of Mindfulness” [Day 44] Last night I dreamed I had a friend with flowers in her hair…

I had the dream again.

Tell me about it honey.

No, it makes me sad.

Why?

Because it’s a dream, it’s only a dream.

Sometimes dreams come true.

Mostly they don’t.

You’ve had dreams that came true. Just look where you are.  You are here in your little cottage with your pugs and parrots and the garden and your books, you are living the life you’ve wanted your whole life.

Really?

Isn’t it?

Well, I love my life, but I think I chose it because it’s the only way I can live, and have peace, and  be okay, but…

But?

Well, sometimes…

Go on, say it.

Sometimes I get lonely.

That’s okay.

Not often…

No?

But sometimes I do.

Tell me about the dream.

In the dream I had a friend with flowers in her hair, and she put flowers in mine. We were outside in a meadow. It was so beautiful…

It sounds beautiful.

But it made me very sad.

Sad? Why?

Because I don’t believe it anymore and I can’t let myself believe it. I believed it once, but the girl with the flowers in her hair always leaves.

Why do you think she leaves?

Because I’m odd.

Not too odd.

Very odd. And you know it.

Well honey, you’re being a little hard on yourself. You’re just different.

Why do I have to be different?

Everybody is different.

Not this different. And don’t give me that unique as a snowflake bullshit.

Why, my word, listen to you!

I didn’t mean it, it slipped out.

You meant it.

No I didn’t.

Yes you did.

Yes, I did. I did because I want the girl with flowers in her hair to come and stay. Do you think that’s possible?

Do you?

No.

Well if you don’t she won’t.

What are you saying?

I am saying that if you don’t believe someone will love you they won’t.

I DIDN’T say love, I said a friend.

You meant love.

No I didn’t. You’re going to embarrass me in public. I just said a friend…

… with flowers in her hair.

Yes.

Not all people who you have loved have gone away.

I didn’t say love…. but…

But what?

If she came, the girl with flowers in her hair, it would be okay if she loved me, I think…

I think that would be very nice.

Why are you always talking to me.

I’m not talking to you. I’m just sitting here, with you.

I’m talking to myself again aren’t I?

No, we’re just thinking, trying to work this out.

Oh dear God, I’m crazy as a loon, do you see what I mean. Girls with flowers in their hair don’t love somebody who is crazy as a loon.

See, you said love.

I was just saying…

You want to be loved.

It’s not going to happen.

It might.

I don’t think so. I mean, I don’t see how, and I need to lose weight and I have to get my work going and I need to figure my whole life out and solve all the big problems and get everything sorted out first. I have to be ready.

Honey, you’re just shy of sixty. You can be ready when you’re dead, while people are alive they are never ready, the time is never right, they have weight to lose, or maybe their hair is falling out, or maybe all kinds of things, you just have to admit that you want to be loved.

By the girl with the flowers in her hair…

She might not have flowers in her hair, and it might not be in a meadow, but she could be nice, and you might pick her some flowers from your garden.

Do you think she’d like that?

She might. Now, go ahead and say it.

I think I want someone to love me. Oh GOD! That is the most terrifying thing I have ever said outloud. I want to go and hide under a rock.

Don’t go hide under a rock. Let’s just sit here quietly. We’ll breathe, and we will be very present. We will just sit here. You don’t have to worry what will happen tomorrow, you just have to say it.

I’m afraid.

It’s okay, everybody is afraid, go ahead and say it.

I want somebody to love me.

There, was that so hard?

Yes.

That’s alright, you said it, now don’t worry about it anymore, let’s just sit, and breathe, and rest, and be. You feel better don’t you.

Yes… but I’m going to close my eyes. I feel shy and I don’t want anybody to see me now.

It’s okay, nobody can see you.

Let’s just breathe.

Just breathe.

Breathe.

Yes.

 

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Comments

  1. Beautiful, Maitri. Just beautiful.

  2. Estelle Keribin says:

    So simple and yet so true! Magnificent Maitri!

  3. this is a haiku i just wrote yesterday – maybe it’s meant for you too

    Trust in the one thing
    called love, it’s calling to you
    across time, and now

    xo
    ka

  4. Yes…beautiful. <3

  5. So beautiful….it’s what we all want after all…to be loved just as we are.
    You are loved, dear Maitri.

  6. Oh, Maitri, you brave, beautiful soul. We are all frightened and vulnerable, but not many of us can write about our fears and dreams so courageously. Whenever I read your words, I hear my Inner Wise Self saying, “You see. Maitri writes so bravely. And the sky has not fallen. Sit at your computer and open your heart.”

  7. Thank you all so much, your kind comments mean more than you could possibly know…

    Sharron, Estelle, Joanne, Donna, I am deeply touched. Only beauty sees beauty. Always know how beautiful you are, and how your tender hearts are in every word you write. I bow to you, namaste…

    Oh Katya, you know I love your haiku but this was so spot on it gave me the chills, the GOOD kind. So wonderful to be so in sync with a sister of the heart. I love you…

    And dear Cathryn, YOU are so brave, it is all throughout your blog and your writing. And no, the sky will not fall, although I was really shy and embarrassed and trembly to put this one up and wanted to take it down I felt so exposed, but as I wrote in SARK’s beautiful WINS/WOWS group, when we are most afraid, when that which we write makes us shake down to our toes, then we know we MUST share it because if we feel that way so does someone else, and if we can help even one person with our writing that is a beautiful and powerful thing. Again, and always, I so love that we are on parallel journeys together…

    Blessings and love to you all…

    Maitri

  8. Teresa Myszka says:

    Dearest Maitri, your courage, your vulnerability gives me courage, helps peal back the layers of my heart. You give voice to my fears. We all want love..to give love, to receive love, to find love, to be in love. Thank you for this post, thank you for being you.

  9. What a wonderful way to talk yourself out of a dark place — a jounaled conversation with yourself. I bet you teach this technique in your journaling classes. Thank you for a tool to use when my silly brain says “I can’t.”

  10. “You can be ready when you’re dead, while people are alive they are never ready, the time is never right, they have weight to lose, or maybe their hair is falling out, or maybe all kinds of things. . . ” Holy shit. That is wisdom at a truly epic level. I read that sentence and just sat here with my mouth hanging open, thinking — oh, crap, this woman is lethal. This is one of the greatest truths of all time.

    I’ve been waiting for my guiding word for 2014 to find me. This morning, reading this post, it hit me like a sledgehammer. “I’m ready.” Whoa. Goosebumps. Maitri, what HAVE you done to me??

  11. Teresa, sweet Teresa, thank you so much…

    You know, they say love is all there is, and I don’t disagree, but it’s not always easy to come by. Some of the most complex and often very painful relationships are in our own families. Love can be joyful and over the moon or it can be devastating and nearly put us under, but we all still want it. I was hurt very very badly by a couple of relationships I had after I left my marriage, I mean seriously (I got rid of everything I owned to move to CA with someone who said I was their soulmate, it took a week and a half for us to drive there and the day we arrived said person decided they didn’t want to be in a relationship. It was one more time of having to start over when I didn’t have much left in me to start over with…) Part of my turning away from the world was that everywhere I looked there wasn’t a single solitary person I could trust. There’s a reason I live with nine animals and sleep with 4 pugs and not another person, and still… still the heart longs for love.

    I am only beginning to admit this to myself and I feel very timid and shy and like I’m about 15 inside, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing, I think as long as we can still feel this way we know we are alive.

    Here’s to love, giving love, receiving love, love in all its forms. May we never give up, may we live with our hearts wide open. I don’t know what will happen in the future, I am not looking for love, I am just beginning to let my heart open a little to the possibility again. Jack Kerouac wrote, “Everything you feel will find its own form.” and I think this is the truest thing I can think of regarding love. Open your heart, state your intention, “I am ready for love…” and then let go. The right kind of love will find its form in our lives, if it be so.

    I am sending you so much love dearheart…

    Maitri

  12. Hello Dear Paula,

    Yes I do teach this technique in my journal classes and I use it a lot in my own writing. You know, the way I write these entries each day is an interesting process for me. I have a vague feeling what I want to write about and finally the title will come. The title is very specific to my process and I know as soon as I have a title that feels right it will manifest. Next the image is very important to me, incredibly important. Sometimes I use my own photographs but I also subscribe yearly to two different graphic services so I can use the images and when I find the image that feels right, and tinker around with it in my photo manipulation programs and get it just right I’m ready to go. I have the title, the image and I’m ready to skydive into the piece, but the truth is I never have any idea how it’s going to turn out and I absolutely DIDN’T think this piece was going to be about me wanting to find love again, I honestly didn’t. The two sides of myself started talking and I felt so timid after the way it turned out I almost didn’t publish it, but as I said above the stronger are the feelings that I SHOULDN’T put it up the more I know I should. So yes, it is a very helpful technique.

    You never have to worry how your writing will turn out or end up you just have to start writing. It is an act of discovery that it truly miraculous.

    Tell your brain that while you appreciate its input you are choosing to go another direction this time. Give it a cookie. Placate it. Then go your own way.

    Much love to you angel,

    Maitri

  13. Ha! Susann! You tickle me all to pieces! 😀

    “I’m ready” IS my mantra right now and into 2014. I’ve waited to be ready for so long it’s time to — ahem, excuse me — shit or get off the pot! I’m putting it out there to the universe. I am ready for all kinds of things. Opening your heart and singing the words out full blast to the universe while skipping about with glee like a happy child, well, that’s the way I’M approaching life right now!

    I kind of feel like the end of Thelma and Louise where they just held hands, looked so full of love and a kind of joy, and went sailing off the cliff. You see no one will ever convince me that they died, and for me, I will sail off the cliff because now I know I can fly!

    Flutter your wings girl. We are ready. Let’s FLY!!! 🙂

    Love,

    Maitri

    • “Shit or get off the pot!”

      Now **there’s** a guiding phrase to live by for 2014!

      Maybe I’ll adopt IT instead! ROTFLMBO!!!!!

  14. Susann… ahem… I’m sure it twasn’t I that used such coarse language. I fear my bi polar bits got out and left doo doo for me to clean up… sigh…

    😉

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